Douche-face

Despite everyone and their dog liking everything that John Mayer puts out, Nicole and I really don't get it.

Douche-face + douche-voice = douche-chills.

Plain and simple. It's all in the math.

Jesus fish in my cereal

Last night I cracked open my box of Clifford Crunch and discovered something a little peculiar about the shapes in my cereal... Jesus fish. Not to mention plus-sign shaped bits which looked a little too much like crosses floating around in the milk. Weird, I never got a religious vibe from Clifford.

Shout out

I gotta give a shout out to Target's Merona brand of opaque tights... I cannot tell you how frustrating it is to shop for tights, only to come home -- put them on and feel like you've just struggled with a sumo wrestler. Then you get that strangled feeling in your midsection that makes you wanna just punch the next person you see square in the face. Not these... and they're dirt friggin' cheap!!!! So comfy, from the moment you put 'em on... I just couldn't keep the secret to myself. So ladies, don't bother spending stoopit cash on high-end expensive tights.... Go to target and get these suckers.

Say it ain't so...

Joaquin Phoenix says he's packin' up and leaving H-town. Which, if he's tellin' the truth, would be a real shame. He's one of our finest actors. He recently told Extra!

"I want to take this opportunity... also to give you the exclusive and just talk a little bit about the fact that this will be my last performance as an actor... I'm not doing films anymore."

Let's hope this is just a phase.

More sadness for the Hudsons...

We were holding out hope that Jennifer Hudson's nephew had just runaway after the terrible ordeal on Friday and was still safe... but life just doesn't work that way, does it? What an awful tragedy. There simply are no words. We don't know how someone comes back from such a terrible thing, but we hope that Jennifer, and her family, somehow find peace and solace once their grief subsides.

Police have identified the body of a young boy discovered in an SUV in Chicago as Jennifer Hudson's missing nephew Julian King, police Supt. Jody Weis said Monday. The body was discovered "in the rear seat" of a white Chevrolet Suburban on Chicago's West Side Monday morning, according to the Chicago Police Department. He suffered multiple gunshot wounds, according to reports. ...King, 7, went missing Friday after an unidentified assailant fatally shot Hudson's mother Darnell and brother Jason. ...The Chicago Police Department issued the following statement before noon Monday: "At approximately 7:06 A.M. a 1994 White Chevrolet Suburban bearing Illinois license plate X584859 and identified in the Amber Alert was located at 1313 S. Kolin. A body was discovered inside the Suburban, in the rear seat of the vehicle." The Chicago Tribune reports that bullet casings were found in the boy's room on Friday. ...King's stepfather, William Balfour, is being held on a parole violation after he stopped cooperating with police but has not been charged with a crime. He was taken into custody at a girlfriend's home hours after the bodies of Hudson's mother and brother were found. [people]

What's yellow and black and needs to be slapped senseless?

They seriously make me sick.

Tina and Will come back to SNL and bring the funny

Enjoy...

LaLohan Gets Axed

Looks like Lindsay got the boot from Betty....

Just four episodes into her scheduled six-episode guest-stint on "Ugly Betty," Lindsay Lohan has left the ABC drama. According to the New York Post, Lohan was asked to leave early due to her bizarre behavior (which allegedly included obsessively cutting out tabloid photos of herself and leaving her dressing room a disaster) and a rumored feud with star America Ferrera. "I think it's hysterical," co-star Becki Newton told MTV News of the Post's report. "It's like right out of a script for 'Ugly Betty.' ... A source told the Post that things were so bad on the set that during a rehearsal of a scene in which Ferrera is supposed to pull down Lohan's pants, she made the guest star cry. But Newton said the story was false and that everything was just fine between the two actresses. [mtv]

In happier news...

Amy Poehler welcomes a baby boy...

Comedians Amy Poehler and Will Arnett have welcomed their first child, a boy. Archie Arnett was born on Saturday and weighed in at 8 lbs., 1 oz., their rep Lewis Kay said in a statement. "Amy, Will and Archie are all healthy and resting comfortably," Kay said. During the "Weekend Update" segment of Saturday Night Live, Poehler's co-anchor Seth Meyers announced to a cheering crowd: "Amy Poehler is not here tonight because she is having a baby." [people]

Idol Tragedy

This news just keeps getting sadder by the minute. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the Hudsons.

Jennifer Hudson's mother and brother were the two victims of a fatal shooting in Chicago, the actress's publicist says. "We can confirm that there is an ongoing investigation concerning the deaths of Jennifer Hudson's mother, Darnell Donerson, and her brother, Jason Hudson," rep Lisa Kasteler tells PEOPLE. "No further comment will be made and the family has asked that their privacy be respected at this difficult time." The victims' bodies were found by officers Friday in a South Side home listed in the name of Hudson's mother, and police say the shooting appeared to be related to a domestic disturbance. Hudson's 7-year-old nephew, Julian King, is missing. An Amber Alert has been issued for him. [people, friday]

The singer and Oscar-winning actress appealed earlier in the day for the public's help in finding 7-year-old Julian King, who has been missing since the shooting deaths last week of her mother and brother...An Amber Alert remained in effect Sunday for Julian, who disappeared on Friday, the day the bodies of his grandmother, Darnell Donerson, 57, and 29-year-old uncle Jason Hudson were found in the home they all shared on the city's South Side. The deaths were ruled homicides. The Amber Alert listed William Balfour, the estranged husband of Jennifer Hudson's sister, Julia Hudson, as a suspect in a "double homicide investigation." Julia Hudson is the missing boy's mother...Police said they did not have a motive for the killings but called the case "domestic related." Bond said Balfour had not been charged. [ap, today]

Wow, he is brave

DJ Am was spotted at LAX today, getting ready to board a plane. I thought after the plane crash he was in, he'd be too scared to fly or at least not fly again so soon. Damn.

You guess, I guess

So which one is TC and which one is Katie? You can barely tell TomKat from the behind, which is probably how TC likes it. WTF is up with Katie dressing like a man? These two at the cast party of Katie's Broadway show, All My Sons. Is Katie playing a son?

Rockin' the Sin City shades

Heidi Klum rocks the Elijah Wood creepy shades from Sin City.

Consider it a ditto

I did not notice that Ms. Nicole posted the Mark Walhberg videos below and proceeded to post them again. Oh well... watch 'em twice, they are funny.

These were also funny...

The Josh Brolin/Amy Poehler skit in the country western bar with Amy dancing around with her ginormous belly. She fucking rocks and is an awesome preggo lady. I tried to find the video but couldn't. I'll keep trying.

And this... Mark Walhberg showing up to punch Andy Sandberg in the nose:



This was the genius skit from last week that MW got all bent out of shape over:

In case you tuned out...

...after that opening skit on SNL last night, you missed Sarah Palin's appearance on the Weekend Update. Gotta hand it to her, she's got a sense of humor and she's a good sport. Friggin' Amy Poehler cracks my ass up. I cannot believe she's like a million months pregnant and bouncing around stage like this! Enjoy!

Palin does SNL amid several celeb cameos

Although it didn't quite beat the very first time Tina Fey impersonated Sarah Palin; it was, however, a pretty heelarious sketch. Fab celeb cameos included Alec Baldwin and Marc Wahlberg (who had his own controversy brewing after last week's Andy Samberg impersonation... More on that following the clip).




So Fey sucked it up and did her thing, but had only a second, literally, of shared stage time with Palin. Can't help but think that was negotiated.

As for Wahlberg, here's what pissed him off last week:

But a seemingly random sketch ("Barky Bark and the Donkey Bunch" -- ha!) by cast member Andy Samberg that consisted of the comic impersonating actor Mark Wahlberg talking to an assortment of real animals is generating some buzz of its own. This isn't because the Oct. 4 sketch is particularly relevant or comically brilliant. The buzz is coming from Wahlberg's apparent inability to accept being the butt of a joke...."'Saturday Night Live' hasn't been funny for a long time," Wahlberg said. "They've asked me to do the show a ton of times. I used to watch it when Eddie Murphy was there and Joe Piscopo and Bill Murray. I don't even know who's on the show now." [msnbc]

And this is how it all got resolved this week:



Weird. It hadda be all arranged. It's no coincidence he has a movie coming out to promote...

Will she or won't she?

Sarah Palin's in NYC tonight, gearing up for her appearance on SNL. By all accounts, she has a pretty good sense of humor, so she'll probably do just fine. The real curiosity is whether or not Tina Fey will be on stage tonight, too. Will we bear witness to dueling Palins? Or will the real deal go solo? It's no secret that Fey is no fan of Palin, but will she be able to resist the call of her comic muse? Only time will tell... Tune in tonight to see.

Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin arrived Saturday afternoon in New York to prepare for her appearance on NBC's 'Saturday Night Live....An aide to Palin said Saturday that "there are multiple scripts," but would not elaborate....It was not known whether Fey also will appear on Saturday night's program. [cnn]

Tina Fey explains the intricacies of impersonating Sarah Palin's way-North twang during an appearance tonight on the Late Show With David Letterman—not that there's much to it, according to the Emmy winner. "Not since Sling Blade has there been a voice that anybody could do," Fey explains, calling Palin's accent "a little bit Fargo...a little bit Reese Witherspoon in Election" and comparing it to a "beautiful Alaskan wind song." [e]

Kinda ruins the intent...

Scientology protesters were out and about at the premiere of Katie Holmes' play the other night in NYC. If you're gonna protest, isn't it a good idea to attract attention to the cause and less focus on yourself...as a...um...FREAK? I'll admit though, they are pretty creative.

This one needs an intervention too

Oy, what was she thinking???
Katie Holmes at the premiere of her *yawn* play, in NYC.
It's bad coming and going.

Fire the stylist

Someone close to Posh should perform an fashion intervention, immediately!!!

Exactly how much is it worth to ya?

Well, eleven years of marriage is apparently worth: "assets totaling around $60 million, including a 1,200-acre country estate, a London pub, and a cash settlement" to Guy Ritchie. This is what he'll be getting when the divorce is legalized. [omg/yahoo]

Madonna will hold on to her New York and Los Angeles homes and most of her considerable fortune, The Sun reported. "The negotiations were relatively painless," The Sun quoted a source as saying. "Guy knew what he wanted and Madonna knew what she was keen to keep. There was a spell when Guy was in a mood to dig his heels in, but he decided this arrangement seemed reasonable and a long battle over money would make life unbearable."

Ain't buyin' it.

I dunno. Is anyone really believing this crap?

Sex addict David Duchovny and his actress wife Téa Leoni have split up - but not for the reasons one might think. It was not his 'sexual compulsion proclivity' that caused the break-down of their marriage, but rather his discovery of explicit text messages on her mobile phone sent by actor Billy Bob Thornton. Through the texts Duchovny found out she had begun a relationship with Oscar-winning actor Billy Bob Thornton, 53, who was formerly married to Angelina Jolie. [daily mail uk]

Miracles do happen

You hear a fair share of this used as plot devices on medical dramas... Just last week, in fact, on Grey's Anatomy. But when you learn about stuff like this happening in real life -- well, it certainly makes you believe in a higher power.

DJ AM may have cheated death twice. While being treated for burns sustained during a plane crash, he learned of a potentially fatal blood clot in his leg. "In the burn center, they did a scan and found that I had a blood clot that in this flight could have traveled to my heart and I could have died," DJ AM (real name: Adam Goldstein), tells PEOPLE. Goldstein, 35, says the clot was a result of his frequent flying to his various deejaying residencies at clubs nationwide. He currently has almost 2 million frequent flier miles. While at the Joseph M. Still Burn Center in August, Ga., doctors put a filter in his vein and prescribed blood-thinning medication to prevent complications related to the clot. "I have a great deal of faith that everything happens for a reason," he says. "I put myself in God's hands." [people]

Is this even remotely safe?

Naomi Watts and Liev take a ride on his Vespa around NYC yesterday.

Even Fox Mulder wasn't this much of a loser...

You know, if I were Tea Leoni -- I woulda dumped his sorry ass, too. L.O.S.E.R.!

Where there's smoke, there's usually fire. Hot on the heels of David Duchovny's revelation that he required treatment for a sex addiction, he and his wife of more than 11 years, Téa Leoni, have confirmed that they have split. "In light of continuous speculation over the lives and marriage of Téa Leoni and David Duchovny, the couple has confirmed that they have in fact been separated for several months," the actors' reps said in a joint statement to People. "The couple had hoped to keep this separation private for the sake of their children." [yahoo]

Calling mah peeps

I'm getting all nostalgic and wanting to rock it old skool with a pair of Docs. I'm eyeing these ones and need your opinions. Thanks!

Marsha Marsha Marsha!

Just what the hell was going on on the set of the Brady Bunch? Was no one supervising these kids? Shiiiiiiiit. Now comes yet another biography of the Brady debauchery, Marsha-style. According to Maureen McCormick's tell-all:

—McCormick had a wild crush on set on Barry Williams (Greg Brady); he, in turn, had a crush on Florence Henderson.
—She got miffed when a much-younger Eve Plumb began to develop breasts first.
—She quickly lost interest in schoolwork and "ordinary" friends. Drinking, shoplifting, ice-skating with Michael Jackson: These were the norms of her celebrity-studded adolescence.
—After her high school graduation, The Brady Bunch came to an end, and McCormick's life devolved into a predictable and toxic Hollywood cocktail of alcohol, drugs, abortions (at least two), serious depression, bulimia, and more. [entertainment weekly]

"'Oh, my God! I'm kissing my brother. What am I doing?" Maureen McCormick remembers thinking the first time she and fellow "Brady Bunch" actor Barry Williams made out when she was 16. "I was ready to lose my virginity to Barry, and it might have happened one night at his house if not for his parents busting in on us," she reveals..." [ny daily news]

The "Brady Bunch" actress who starred as Marcia Brady admits in a new memoir she was a cocaine fiend who swapped sex for drugs, partied at the Playboy Mansion and bedded screen sibling Greg Brady. [ny daily news]

Seriously, Ringo... calm the f down...

I mean, what's the big deal? It's fan mail -- not the paparazzi hounding your ass. Just ignore it if you don't wanna read it. Don't go jumping on the batshit insane soapbox. Take your gripe to Speaker's Corner, ya twit. If this is a warning with 'peace and love,' I'd hate to see what happens when you get really pissed. Yeeesh.

Former Beatles drummer Ringo Starr has told fans to stop sending letters and requests for autographs, saying mail will be thrown away after October 20 because he has too much to do. Starr, 68, made the announcement in a video message titled "Sorry, No More Signing Stuff" posted on his official web site www.ringostarr.com.. Wearing sunglasses and flashing a peace sign, he says; "I want to tell you after the 20th of October please do not send fan mail to any address you have. Nothing will be signed after the 20th of October. If that is the date on the envelope, it's gonna be tossed. "I'm warning you with peace and love I have too much to do. So no more fan mail. Thank you, thank you. And no objects to be signed. Nothing." He said; "This is a serious message to everybody watching my update right now. Peace and love. Peace and love." [reuters]

...and the bride wore

...what's perhaps the sluttiest, tackiest, trashiest Marchesa gown I've ever seen. And I'm sure it cost a mint. Ugh, proving that no amount of money accounts for taste. Us Weekly supplies the pics of Howard Stern's blushing new bride. OOOf.

Queen Madge and Guy Ritchie Kaput!

They made it through eleven years of rumor and insinuation... but are now deciding to call it quits: officially.

Madonna and husband Guy Ritchie are set to announce the end of their almost-eight-year marriage, it was claimed early Wednesday. In a front page story, Britain's The Sun newspaper claimed that the couple will be issuing a statement "imminently" on the demise of their often tempestuous relationship, which has been the subject of much speculation in recent months...."The judgment of the court would be to try and assess what they came in with and divide what they built up fairly equally," said David Allison, a lawyer with Family Law in Partnership, a London firm, told the Associated Press. [people]

Presidential Debates 2008

Just taking a second to pimp my alma mata, Hofstra University, which is hosting the Presidential Debates tomorrow night...

It's normally home to Hofstra University's volleyball team, the Pride. But on Wednesday, the school's Physical Fitness Center will host "Spin Alley" - where reporters will interview party loyalists live immediately following the presidential debate. More than 3,100 reporters and bloggers, with about 30 satellite trucks, are expected to descend on the Hempstead campus to cover the event. ... Next door, the Physical Fitness Center has been transformed into a media filing center, with banks of white tables and flat-screen TVs. Gray carpet covers the volleyball court, black-and-blue curtains hide wiring and "Debate '08" banners hang from the rafters. There's plenty of floor space for "Spin Alley." [newsday]

Please Help Tina Fey

...by voting on November 4th, 2008.

Need a good reason (another one, I mean) not to vote for Sen. John McCain and Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin? How about to save Tina Fey 's life? "If she wins, I’m done," Fey tells TV Guide. "I can’t do that for four years. And by ‘I’m done,’ I mean I’m leaving Earth."..."Presidential impersonators do influence elections, and in this one, Tina Fey is well on her way to ruining Sarah Palin's political career," said Jerald Podair, a professor of American Studies at Lawrence University. "Election time is always good for ['SNL'], and this is a bonkers election.” [the envelope]

um, what?

I thought Angie's days of playing with knives were over... guess not. She's now sharing the "hobby" with her son. Eeeks.

Angelina Jolie says she is passing down her knife obsession to her seven-year-old son Maddox. "My mom took me to buy my first daggers when I was 11 or 12," Jolie says in the new issue of W magazine. "And I've already bought Maddox some." [us weekly]

Ooof.

Here are some pics from th W Magazine spread.

I'm getting douche chills just thinking about this...

Katie Holmes is going to guest star on this season's Eli Stone. Since I'm not into train wrecks, I won't be tuning in.

The cast of ABC's Eli Stone can't stop gushing about Katie Holmes' upcoming song-and-dance number on the Oct. 21 episode. "She can sing and dance," Natasha Henstridge told Usmagazine.com at Saturday's fifth annual Runway For Life gala in Beverly Hills. "She did a fantastic job." Holmes - who plays a non-profit attorney with a mysterious case - belts out "Hit Me with a Hard Note" for a dream sequence involving Eli (Jonny Lee Miller). [us weekly]

Celebrity Scents...

There are so many friggin' celebrity perfumes out there now... We can hardly keep up. Here's the latest crop of eau de desperation, just in time for your holiday shopping lists.

Smells like bare feet crammed into too-small Manolos,
and for some odd reason -- oats and hay.
Oh, that was brutal. I feel bad about that one.

The pungent scent of a sweaty leather cowboy hat and assless chaps.

A heady mix of flop sweat, latex, and hairspray.

What can only be described as the smell that emanates
from the inside of a Hello Kitty costume after being worn
for a full day of promotions at the newest San Rio store in Tokyo.

A combination of Chicken of the Sea, Buffalo Wings, beer, and farts.
A classy concoction bound to make you stupid.

A whiff of the Camden Town tube station will tickle your nose,
complete with an incurable hunger that will linger and linger and linger...
yet never be satisfied.

If batshit insane had an odor, this would be it.