When Joan & Melissa are bored...

This is what ensues. This week's email chain:

M: Holy crap, I’m zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…… what’s new?

J: Lol. I know. Me too. Such a Monday.

Nothing really.

M: This day is crawling….

J: I know. Soooooo slow.

Ok. We’ll play a game:
You can have viggo mortensen. But he has a terrible case of hemorrhoids and scoots around on the living room rug (bare assed) to relieve the itch. Do you take him?

M: Oy vey, how the hell did you come up with that?!?!?! Pretty awful… I’m revolted by the smell! LOL!!!

Ok, he’s got the ‘roids but they will go away, right?

J: Lol. This is game (born of the cheese/brad pitt thing from yrs ago) we have been busying ourselves w/at lunch.

No, the condition stays that way, always.

M: Oh god, so he’s got fire-ass for life??? Oh, I’m gonna have to still take him… it’s VIGGO!

Ok, now you… Hugh Grant or Jackman, no matter. Fortunately they are fine, looks-wise. But their manhood is compromised. I’m talking small, like 2 inches.

J: Oooh, hughs... Well. I’m taking either of them. There are ways around this. And... Believe me. This is nothing compared to what the girls cooked up for me one time. Picture this: hugh grant, kid n play hair, fubu wearing, brooklynese accent... I had to let him go.

Ok. Now you...
You can have matthew mccono-hey hey... But.... He has a booger that he can’t get rid of, and it’s always there... No matter what. Hanging right out of his nose.

M: We can get it surgically removed. So yes, I’ll take the Hey-hey.

You, Paul Rudd… Baked bean teeth, a la homeless gym teacher that George had on Seinfeld.

J: Ok. That’s a no. lol.

I’m letting you slide on the surgically removed snot — since you’re not familiar w/the rules we’ve established on the east coast. From this pint fwd, there can be no altering of the disgusting condition... I say that, cause the nxt one is a doozie:

You can have thom, but... He has both male and female genital, and webbed feet.

M: Holy crap, I luuuuurve Thom and you KNOW IT!!!

Dang, both male and female. Shit… I can do with the webbed feet, but the genitals???
I’m gonna have to pass.

Ok, Chris Martin, but he’s permanently cross-eyed and his voice is like Mickey Mouse/Michael Jackson.

J: Lol. Gotcha!

No, I pass. Lol. U know me and the voice thing. I might be able to live w/the cross-eyes. But...

Ok. I’m blanking out on guys here. So I’m gonna repeat: Matthew, but... He has the worst case of halitosis ever. Nothing cures it. And he’s a close talker.

M: Oh HELL NO! I cannot stand bad breath. No way to the Hey-hey.

And you said, you know me and the voice thing. Are you back to hating the baby voice???!?!? Welcome back, chickie. Girl after my own heart… lol.

Ok, Peter Saarsgard but with so much ear wax, it needs to be sucked out or candled 4 times a day. He’s got so much, it’s oozing a lot. (in case you’re not familiar with ear candling: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ear_candling)

J: Omg. I so heard you say that as I read it. Lol.

Lol. Yes, yes. It lasted a brief moment. Brief.

Omg. That is so funny... I do know what ear candling is... At yellow book we had a bunch of new-age service ads and one place offered this. Michelle and I were like: wtf is ear candling? We looked it up and realized how ridic it was. The, in her travels, she found an at-home ear candling kit and gave it to me for my bday. Lol. Sooooo funny.

I think I can live w/it if I don’t have to see it.

Hmm. Ok. What will it take for you to say yes: hmmm....

Ok. This one works if you think christian bale is hot: you can have him, but his actual skin is the batman suit... Mask and all. It cannot be removed.

M: LOL!!!! I know what you mean, especially the J&M entries you post make me laugh even more cause I totally hear you saying them!!!

Ear candling is NAS-TAY. They sell the tubes at Henry’s, an organic supermarket here. When John and I saw them and it said ear candles, we thought they were some organic, new-age candles made from ear wax. We were super grossed out till we read the back of the box. Then I did some looking up on the web cause I was just so freakin’ baffled by the whole thing.

But Peter’s, you’d be the one cleaning out his ears…

Christian Bale is the hotness but I cannot have him looking like Batman all the time, for Christ’s sake. So no!

Now you, Jon Stewart. Has a flatulence problem. Silent but deadly. He farts every 15 minutes.

J: Lol. I’m dying. From all of it. Omg...

If I’m the one cleaning out the ears, then no. no thank you.

Lol. I might have to live w/Jon’s flatulence... I think, after a while, you’d get used ot it... Or, your sense of smell would be deadened... And since they’re silent, you can always blame them on someone else... Removing all embarrassment from the farter and the farter’s spouse...

Ok... So... Let’s see... Let’s go back to thom, you can have him, but — he thinks he’s a pirate. And he wears a patch, gold teeth, and says argh — to everything.

M: Dang, you got around the Jon one pretty good…

Ok, Thom, the gold teeth can’t make things that much worse, that Brit has some pretty bad teeth to begin with… the patch, I can live with cause it’s not sewn to his head, right? I mean, he wears it a lot but it’s removable sometimes? And the Argh I can get used to…

Back to the Hughs, they wears tights…all.the.time. waking, sleeping. the only time they remove them is when they shower.

J: Oh, god... Hmm...
No.
That’s too femme for me. Do they remove them u know when?

M: they’ve got an opening for you-know-what… so they do not remove them.

J: Lol. Eiw. Skanky. No thanks.

Ok... You can have matthew... (and i’m stealing this one from donna) But, right after sex, he turns into a skeleton and he likes to cuddle. The skeleton form last only 5 mins. But, it’s immediate upon climax.

M: Ok, that’s freakin’ nasty. Nasty and freaky. How did she come up with that one?

That’s gonna be a big, huge, n-o. Cuddling with a skeleton? Oh, hell no.

Continuing right along, Matthew Fox and Scott Foley are conjoined twins. They have one body, but two heads, two completely independent, fully-developed brains. The heads talk separately and to each other, they can turn toward one another.

J: Omg! That’s friggin’ evil. You know I don’t like circus freaks. That shit makes me uncomfortable. God... And I can’t remove one head?

M: Nope, that would almost be weirder. You have to take them as is.

J: I am not going to take the scott/matthew hyrbid — no can do. That’s tres disgusting. I’m sure some kinky bithc would be into that, but I am not that kinky bitch.

Ok... Now you:
You can have sawyer from lost, but... He’s exactly 1 inch tall. He can fit in your pocket. He looks exactly the same... But, scaled down to one inch...

M: Yeah, 2 heads is a bit much.

Oh lord, I cannot do with a 1-inch Sawyer. That’s tiny. He’d get lost……….

Now you, Keith Urban but only how he looks here, and that’s how he’s going to look till the day his dies…

J: I don’t like him that much. And I hate the 80s. You know that. Since he looks like flock of seagulls, clearly, I pass...

You can have sawyer, but... He has a terrible case of tourette’s. Mean, vile language. And it’s constant... Yes or no?

M: Tourette’s is a piece of cake. I can handle dirty language. It only gets tricky if he’s got really violent tics, body movement-wise. Otherwise, verbal outbursts are nothing.

You…David Beckham. He’s got red eyes and a snake tongue, it’s forked. And his ears are pointy, like Spock.

J: Lol. Yeah. You’re right. That one was lame.

Hmm. I don’t think I could take him. Wait... I can get him contacts for the eyes. The ears, how often do you see the tips. And maybe, maybe I could live w/the tongue. It might work... ;)

Ok. Thom. But, he’s decided to chalk off his radiohead career and only sing hasselhoff songs.

M: You see the tips of his ears all the time. He keeps his hair short or shaved. You can get him contacts but he’s allergic to them and can keep them in only a couple of hours a day.

If Thom scraps his Radiohead career and decides to sing Hoff songs, no f’ing way.

J: You’re very good at this game — you have hardly said yes.

And I said no f-ing way to david.

Ok. Matt mconconocnocno. But, he had big buck teeth, and wears glasses that are taped in the middle. And his pants are always cuffed too high.

M: The Hey-hey as Urkel, no thanks. I think this game has proven that I am indeed very shallow and that looks do matter a ton to me…

Another David… we’re talkin’ Duchovney. He’s got a disgusting habit. When he gets food stuck in his teeth, he pulls out a hair and uses it to floss. He does this in public as well as in the privacy of your home.

J: Lofl. I’m noticing...
Lol

Hmm. Is his hair long enough?

M: Yup, he’s got the floppy do that he had a few years back so it’s def long enough.

J: You know, I’m thinking I could live with this.

M: WHAT??? That’s nasty!!!!!

J: Lofl. Well. I don’t have to look while he does it.... And I’ll switch him to a liquid diet.

Ok. You...
You can have (I NEED MORE MEN FOR YOU!) sawyer, but... He’s incapable of performing his husbandly duties...

M: a liquid diet will eventually make Duchovney’s teeth fall out so that’s something else to consider.

Sawyer sans husbandly duties…NEXT!

You… Paul Rudd, he is thinning but his passion is that spray-on hair color for his bald spot. He uses it constantly and you can never get him to stop.

J: Hmm. Caps. Or veneers. It’s workable.

No... I’d still take paul. That’s ok. He might actually look cute completely bald.

You’re a tough nut to crack. What is your achilles heel? Hmm. I will find out. There must be something you can live with.

How about this?
Thom, but... He’s a nose picker. He’s in up to his elbow. In public places and shit.