Can you Cannes Cannes? Fashion Report

The celebs are flooding Cannes -- hocking their latest projects and flaunting their latest looks. And some of those looks, shall we say, are hard to look at. Case in point:

Brooke Shield in Roberto Cavalli: That's one super-expensive muumuu.

Gwen Stefani in Giorgio Armani: Not one bow, but two -- and that awkward cut-out just makes for a cheapened look. 

Penelope Cruz in  Marchesa. This gown is having an identity crisis. Am I shear? Am I beaded? Amy I sexy? Am I tacky? Obviously this is from Marchesa's "Sybil" line.

Kirsten Dunst in Haute Couture Chanel. Dreadful. And you know if cost an arm and a leg. 

Milla Jovavich in Prada. Now this is just stupid. I can see where they're going -- with the 20s/flapper inspiration -- but this all amounts to an EPIC FAIL. 

Paz Vega in Azzaro. Nothing is dumber than a jumpsuit than a jumpsuit that cinches at the ankles. If you wanna look like an asshole, here's all the instruction you'll ever need. 

Selma Hayek in Gucci. Is that plastic? No really -- is that plastic? Not OK. 

Sarah Jessica Parker in Elie Saab. OK, who slipped Elie Saab a ruffie and stole his sketch pad to craft this fashion disaster? I want names.  

Angelina Jolie in Versace. This is clearly not a fashion disaster, I'm just so surprised she's not wearing something boring or black. FINALLY. 

Zoe Saldana in Vionnet. Boy, muumuu's are big on the red carpet this season. Better tell mom she's en vogue!

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The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Gala 2011

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Gala went off last night like a hot mess. Some background:

"The theme for Monday night's event was "Alexander McQueen: Savage Beauty" to coincide with an elaborate new museum exhibition that highlights the work of the late designer, who committed suicide in February 2010 at age 40."

OK, to be honest, most of the gown were to die for. However, some of the gowns were deliciously dreadful -- and that's where we come in. Feast your eyes on these crimes of fashion.

Beyonce in Pucci
Can she move? No, seriously. She's trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey. I think her circulation is cut off. It's safe to assume the only blood moving in her body is in her ankles and wrists. But, thank God, she was wise enough to give her breasts some breathing room. Priorities, you know.

Frieda Pinto in Chanel (Haute Couture)
I love Haute Couture. It's French for "Sucker." So, was she coming to the gala straight from her board meeting and neglected to remove the tie while hoofing it down 5th Avenue? Is that what happened? Cause that's the only excuse.

Jennifer Hudson in Vera Wang
Jen, Jen, Jen. You're covering up the Weight Watchers' endorsement here. Poorly done! Not to mention this dress is clearly from Vera Wang's Bridesmaid-On-the-Prairie collection. Really? This was the dress to choose? Out of all the available dresses? This? Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

Jennifer Lopez in Gucci
Now, did she get caught in a rose bush? Or is that a shrug of some kind? Who knows, maybe she stopped off at Michael's or A.C. Moore on the way -- saw it and just hadda have it! In any case: FAIL. Ditch that shawl-castrophe, and you got a gorgeous dress.

Miranda Kerr in Marchesa
Oh, honey, you're not a fucking ballerina and stop trying pull this off. Dress your age, not your shoe size, mama. And speaking of shoes, are those sneaker heels? Cause that's not OK. Stop it.

MaryKate Olson in Givenchy
It's not a MET Gala without this batshit insane broad. This time, she's raided Mrs. Roeper's closet and is heading to the Regal Beagle post-event. No doubt, she's gonna hook up with Larry -- then drunk dial Jack after, crying in her beer.

Naomi Campbell in Alexander McQueen
Naomi, dear, we're trying to "honor" his memory -- not remind everyone of his terrible mistakes. I should probably hold my tongue. She probably has a cell phone in that bag and is more than likely to beat me with it.

Rihanna in Stella McCartney
Excepting the fact that the dress has some obvious structural issues and could be at any moment subject to a wardrobe malfunction, it's not the worst thing I've seen Rihanna in. That being said, I hope she gets the part in the live-action adaptation of Pippi Longstocking. I'm really rooting for her.

Taylor Swift in Mendel
Why the long face, honey? Could it be because the bottom of your dress got caught up in your roto-tiller? That's OK, Jake will kiss and make it bett--oh, wait. Never mind.

Christina Ricci in Zac Posen
Gotta love Posen. He's the most accessible designer who's allowed to go batwing-balls insane and everyone just accepts it. This is NOT a dress. This is a CONTRAPTION meant to ensnare the wearer. Sometimes, I picture Zac, hovering over his design board cackling like an evil genius. Cause he knows, whatever shit he cooks up -- they're wearin' it. Case closed.

One last observation of the night...
Nice try Seacrest, but standing on the top step isn't fooling anyone.

Until next year... Fashion wisely, people.

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Hats Off! The Royal Wedding Headgear Breakdown.

Let's talk, shall we, about the glorious English tradition of millinery -- or, more commonly referred to as: crazy-ass hat making. The Royal Wedding brought out some of the best-of-the-best (and the worst-of-the-worst) in "fashionable" fascinators.

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Where to begin? Oh, yes -- with Princesses Eugenie and Beatrice (aka the ugly stepsisters -- yeah, i said it). Holy effing crap: is Philip Treacy on crack? That thing on Beatrice's head looks like something from the set of Aliens about to attack every royal in the abbey. OK, I get it, you want to make a statement. Fine. But, statement aside, when you have to crouch over in the car the entire way to your destination, something's gone seriously wrong with your fashion sense. (Listen up Lady GaGa.) I think I said it best when I said (and I did, me, I said it): "She is so desperate to get married but she is wearing an I.U.D. on her head. The hat is like she's trying to make funnel cakes." --Joan Rivers

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Who's next? Oh, yes. Posh. Ms. Victoria Beckham: wearing a self-designed schmatta to cover her baby bump, yet still sporting 9-inch heels ('cause that's safe). Posh sported a frontal headpiece with two long shards of stiffened reeds threatening to poke out any onlookers' eyes. Overall, the outfit should have been condemned for reasons of public safety.

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Oh, you have to love a socialite with an alleged drug problem. The rumor here being that Tara Parker Tomlinson needs a nose job because of her coke problem, hence the attempt to draw attention STRAIGHT TO HER NOSE with a truly and utterly ridiculous hat. Or, maybe she did a line or two the morning of and forgot that hats are supposed to rest on the scalp and not the forehead. Who knows?

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This brings us to the rat's nest of a situation that is Chelsy Davy, Prince Harry's gal. First, she looks like she's doing the walk of shame. I'm sorry, does she not own a comb? And considering all the magnificent fascinators she could have chosen, there is NOTHING fascinating about this choice. Ooof, and they call her a socialite? Damn, I look better on the first day of my period than she did attending the royal wedding -- and believe me, that's saying something.

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But, aside from all the hats that bordered on fashion injustice -- the greatest injustice of all was NOT wearing a hat at all. GASP! Yes, the Prime Minister's wife showed up sans hat. Now, I mean this with all due respect, but -- when the invite expressly says that "ladies are to wear hats," bitch, you best be showing up in an effing hat. That is all.