"The theme for Monday night's event was "Alexander McQueen: Savage Beauty" to coincide with an elaborate new museum exhibition that highlights the work of the late designer, who committed suicide in February 2010 at age 40."
OK, to be honest, most of the gown were to die for. However, some of the gowns were deliciously dreadful -- and that's where we come in. Feast your eyes on these crimes of fashion.
Beyonce in Pucci
Can she move? No, seriously. She's trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey. I think her circulation is cut off. It's safe to assume the only blood moving in her body is in her ankles and wrists. But, thank God, she was wise enough to give her breasts some breathing room. Priorities, you know.
Frieda Pinto in Chanel (Haute Couture)
I love Haute Couture. It's French for "Sucker." So, was she coming to the gala straight from her board meeting and neglected to remove the tie while hoofing it down 5th Avenue? Is that what happened? Cause that's the only excuse.
Jennifer Hudson in Vera Wang
Jen, Jen, Jen. You're covering up the Weight Watchers' endorsement here. Poorly done! Not to mention this dress is clearly from Vera Wang's Bridesmaid-On-the-Prairie collection. Really? This was the dress to choose? Out of all the available dresses? This? Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.
Jennifer Lopez in Gucci
Now, did she get caught in a rose bush? Or is that a shrug of some kind? Who knows, maybe she stopped off at Michael's or A.C. Moore on the way -- saw it and just hadda have it! In any case: FAIL. Ditch that shawl-castrophe, and you got a gorgeous dress.
Miranda Kerr in Marchesa
Oh, honey, you're not a fucking ballerina and stop trying pull this off. Dress your age, not your shoe size, mama. And speaking of shoes, are those sneaker heels? Cause that's not OK. Stop it.
MaryKate Olson in Givenchy
It's not a MET Gala without this batshit insane broad. This time, she's raided Mrs. Roeper's closet and is heading to the Regal Beagle post-event. No doubt, she's gonna hook up with Larry -- then drunk dial Jack after, crying in her beer.
Naomi Campbell in Alexander McQueen
Naomi, dear, we're trying to "honor" his memory -- not remind everyone of his terrible mistakes. I should probably hold my tongue. She probably has a cell phone in that bag and is more than likely to beat me with it.
Rihanna in Stella McCartney
Excepting the fact that the dress has some obvious structural issues and could be at any moment subject to a wardrobe malfunction, it's not the worst thing I've seen Rihanna in. That being said, I hope she gets the part in the live-action adaptation of Pippi Longstocking. I'm really rooting for her.
Taylor Swift in Mendel
Why the long face, honey? Could it be because the bottom of your dress got caught up in your roto-tiller? That's OK, Jake will kiss and make it bett--oh, wait. Never mind.
Christina Ricci in Zac Posen
Gotta love Posen. He's the most accessible designer who's allowed to go batwing-balls insane and everyone just accepts it. This is NOT a dress. This is a CONTRAPTION meant to ensnare the wearer. Sometimes, I picture Zac, hovering over his design board cackling like an evil genius. Cause he knows, whatever shit he cooks up -- they're wearin' it. Case closed.
One last observation of the night...
Nice try Seacrest, but standing on the top step isn't fooling anyone.
Until next year... Fashion wisely, people.
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