Hats Off! The Royal Wedding Headgear Breakdown.

Let's talk, shall we, about the glorious English tradition of millinery -- or, more commonly referred to as: crazy-ass hat making. The Royal Wedding brought out some of the best-of-the-best (and the worst-of-the-worst) in "fashionable" fascinators.

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Where to begin? Oh, yes -- with Princesses Eugenie and Beatrice (aka the ugly stepsisters -- yeah, i said it). Holy effing crap: is Philip Treacy on crack? That thing on Beatrice's head looks like something from the set of Aliens about to attack every royal in the abbey. OK, I get it, you want to make a statement. Fine. But, statement aside, when you have to crouch over in the car the entire way to your destination, something's gone seriously wrong with your fashion sense. (Listen up Lady GaGa.) I think I said it best when I said (and I did, me, I said it): "She is so desperate to get married but she is wearing an I.U.D. on her head. The hat is like she's trying to make funnel cakes." --Joan Rivers

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Who's next? Oh, yes. Posh. Ms. Victoria Beckham: wearing a self-designed schmatta to cover her baby bump, yet still sporting 9-inch heels ('cause that's safe). Posh sported a frontal headpiece with two long shards of stiffened reeds threatening to poke out any onlookers' eyes. Overall, the outfit should have been condemned for reasons of public safety.

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Oh, you have to love a socialite with an alleged drug problem. The rumor here being that Tara Parker Tomlinson needs a nose job because of her coke problem, hence the attempt to draw attention STRAIGHT TO HER NOSE with a truly and utterly ridiculous hat. Or, maybe she did a line or two the morning of and forgot that hats are supposed to rest on the scalp and not the forehead. Who knows?

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This brings us to the rat's nest of a situation that is Chelsy Davy, Prince Harry's gal. First, she looks like she's doing the walk of shame. I'm sorry, does she not own a comb? And considering all the magnificent fascinators she could have chosen, there is NOTHING fascinating about this choice. Ooof, and they call her a socialite? Damn, I look better on the first day of my period than she did attending the royal wedding -- and believe me, that's saying something.

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But, aside from all the hats that bordered on fashion injustice -- the greatest injustice of all was NOT wearing a hat at all. GASP! Yes, the Prime Minister's wife showed up sans hat. Now, I mean this with all due respect, but -- when the invite expressly says that "ladies are to wear hats," bitch, you best be showing up in an effing hat. That is all.