But until then, let us investigate The Magic Bump, aka Katie's pregnant belly. There has been quite a few theories out there regarding the paternity/maternity/thing-ernity of this child. Recently, a few friends and I had a conversation about this particular topic. A latest spread in US Weekly got our conspiracy theories-a-flowin'. The following is a compilation of how it might have gone down in the world of TomKat:
The photo (above) taken on October 8th, 2005 shows Katie sporting a full, round bump -- we can even see that her belly button has "popped". According to Us Weekly: "Dr. Arthur Wisot, a Beverly Hills fertility expert, put her around five months when the news hit."
Yet on December 14th, about 2 months later, Katie is looking less pregnant... Suspicious?
Just a month later, in this picture taken on January 13th, the bump has reappeared.
But wait: Just two days later, on the 15th... Katie is svelt... even donning a belt. Something most pregnant women wouldn't dare try. You'll also notice that someone (off camera) is placing their hand on Katie's belly... which only emphasizes its flattened state.
Based on the 1st pic, taken in October, Katie would be around 11 months pregnant. Which, if this were true, would make headlines in and of itself. Shit, she'd be in the Guinness Book of World Friggin Records. How, you may ask, can a pregnant woman go from looking very pregnant early on to looking 'unpregnant' midway?
Simple. She's not pregnant. Never has been.
Stay with me here... but fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy ride:
Rumors have long been in existence, claiming that Tom Cruise is sterile. To add steam to these rumors is the fact that Tom, until now, has never conceived a child (to anyone's knowledge) naturally. His only two children, with ex-wife Nicole Kidman, were adopted. People will argue: It was Kidman who couldn't get pregnant, so they chose to adopt. (And the jury is still out on this one..at least until we see a Kidman/Urban creation.) However, another rumor surfaced around the time that Tom and Nicole broke up. This rumor claimed that Nicole had gotten pregnant (possible sperm doner being Ewan MacGreggor or Russell Crowe -- both outlandish) but that she lost the baby. Details regarding the breakup were sketchy at best. Tom and Nicole said very little about the reasons they broke up. But Tom was quoted as saying: "Nic knows what she did." That quote only spurred the pregnancy rumors on.
Still with me... good. It's gonna get crazy...
So, if you can believe that Tom is indeed sterile. Then that automatically takes him out of the running to be the father of Katie's baby. Which means she was either inseminated or...
...her baby bump is detachable.
Ridiculous? Impossible? Fuck yeah. Of course it is... But tell me I didn't just blow your mind. Now you can't think about anything else... and even though it's probably not true -- there's a teeny tiny inkling of doubt that's crept into your mind... don't deny it. You know it's true.
Here are some snapshots from the aforementioned conversation... to amuse you out of this shocking and potential reality. Enjoy... and ponder. May Xenu be with you. --Joan.
Karen: So either she’s 11 months pregnant with an alien, or freak-boy made her wear a cushion early to prove his virility to the the world, or she already gave birth to freak boys’ spawn, and he’s not allowing her rest, because she must walk around with a pillow under her shirt until they can find a way to explain the alien baby.
Nicole (aka Joan): I'm telling you, they have a surrogate tied up in one of the spare rooms of Tom's compound...
Peggy: So how are they gonna cover it up when we see that their “newborn” is already walking, talking, and potty-trained?
Nicole: The surrogate's baby would be the right age.
Peggy: That is so f**ked up it might actually be true.
Nicole: And they used john travolta’s dancing sperm
Nuray (aka Melissa): Uh oh…here’s comes Jar-Head Jr.
Nicole: Were tom and nicole still married when vanilla sky came out?
Nuray: Vanilla sky: came out December 14th, 2001 (moved back two months from October, 2001) His and nicole’s marriage ended august 8, 2001.
Nicole: Ok. So. He was on the outs with her... And we can assume the marriage was falling apart prior to the actual divorce. So, might it not be possible that this katie holmes thing was planned. And that’s why her image appears in Vanilla Sky??? Did I just blow your mind? Or am I out of mine?
Helena: No, that freaks me out too. There was another e-mail floating around her a while back about that image in Vanilla Sky too – that is just scary...
Nuray: You might be onto something. He may have been “eyeing” Katie for a while, huh?
Nicole: Perhaps, katie is akin to a reincarnated buddha. Maybe the scientologists have been waiting for her... And tom, seeing as he’s a level 7 operative thetan was the one to indoctrinate her. Course, since he’s sterile... They had to devise a new scheme for insemination. We’re on to something people... We’re close. I can smell it. And it smells like rotten eggs and monkey butt.
Nuray: Look at the date of the article June 20, 2005. Katie and him start courting and making out all around the world in the months following and then she appears with her bump in October when the pregnancy is first announced.
Nicole: He slipped her a micki, and they performed the procedure. Next thing she knew... She was pregnant w/l. Ron hubbard’s successor and it was too late to turn back.
Nuray: Timelines that might help: http://framingbusiness.net/php/2005/tomkat.php
http://marriage.about.com/od/entertainmen1/p/tomcruise.htm
Posts
3 comments:
my theory:
Katie WAS pregnant, just not with Tommy's baby. She was pregnant by Chris Klein (her ex) and tom "recruited" her, as you guys point out, because she could lend some normalcy to the whole Scientology thing. Her pregnancy was just an added bonus to make Tommy seem more masculine -- right in time for the MI3 premire.
Yup...the whole situation cracks me up!! =)
oh, nuray -- that was me, elena. =)
elena, you shouldn't speak like that about a thetan 3. have some respect!
johnny
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