Adventures in Xenuland

Where do we begin? How do we even try to sum up our Scientological Adventure? The best way to divulge large amounts of information is to give you the blow-by-blow in a bulleted list… We’ll then wax philosophical in closing. Buckle your seatbelts and prepare for the ride of your life:

• We parked a short distance from the Scientology Celebrity Center, just off Franklin Avenue in Los Angeles. We walked up to the valet, who had a “guest list” in hand. He asked how he could help us. We said we had an appointment with so-and-so. And, he just let us go in… no further questions asked. No security check of any kind. (The center restaurant is open to the public, btw.)

• We entered the lobby which had a grand piano in the middle and a HUGE bust of L.Ron with flyers all over the place, reminding everyone that L.Ron’s birthday celebration was coming up at the Shrine Auditorium in LA. We found our guide and let the adventure begin…

• We made our way to L. Ron’s private office/library – which is now on display much like a museum. We then walked to the bookstore, which carried a large selection of audio, video, and printed merchandise for the avid scientologist.

• A small freight elevator (since the real elevator was stuck on some floor and did not come down when we called it) took us to the 5th, 6th, and 7th floors – which house suites for visiting scientologists from around the globe. These suites once housed stars like Humphrey Bogart in the Golden Age of Hollywood, when the mansions of Beverly Hills had not been built yet. Back then, the celebrity center was called Chateau Elysee and/or the Manor Hotel.

• Our guide took us out on the rooftop terrace where they hold events and it was undoubtedly gorgeous. There were views of Hollywood and the Hills. The guide made it a point to direct our attention to the Hollywood Hills where all the celebrity mansions are and said, “This is where a lot of our people live.” Good to know…

• Along the way, our guide pointed out various plaques and posters that adorned the walls throughout the building. There were descriptions and photos talking about the various programs Scientology practices: drug and alcohol rehab programs, programs that cured firefighters from 9/11 with just doses of vitamins, Psychiatry Kills posters. One poster showed an old-school picture of the Dianetics book from the 80s. I (Joan) remarked that I remembered the commercials. He said: This is the book that started it all. Then what irked us the most: the Scientology Center’s acting as missionaries. There were photos of Scientology Centers around the globe, mostly located in the far corners of the world: Thailand, India, South America. Photos of the people of these countries lined up in front of a center with rich, white Americans flanking them looking quite proud of themselves. Sickening.

• Then we headed downstairs where our guide took us into the health club. He had told us earlier that the narcotics program consisted of taking large doses of niacin, sitting in a sauna, then running on a treadmill to sweat out all the evil toxins in your body. There were a couple of young people wandering around, one girl had just a towel covering her boobs but our guide STILL had to get us in there to show us around. One of the posters we’d seen before showed a picture of Tom Cruise with the rescue workers of 9/11 – the poster claimed to have cured these men of the asthmatic and other problems they have had since working at Ground Zero. Our guide pointed to Tom – but never referred to him by name. He merely said: “This guy is doing a lot of good work.” Uhhh…there’s an elephant in the room, might as well acknowledge it!


• Our next stop were the floors that only members could visit but our guide took us there anyway. They were the Auditing Floors. When you exit the elevator, there was a sign on the facing wall that read: “Shhhh….Auditings in progress.” Each room has a plaque on it that said “Auditing Room 203, In Session.” All of the rooms were in session, apparently lots of people getting audited. There were also a lot more people walking around than I would have thought. People coming and going, it was like watching ants in an ant farm. Everyone was basically in a white button-down and black slacks and almost everyone seemed to be between the ages of 16 and 30. They catch ‘em young apparently.


• At this point, he began opening the doors to show us the goings-on inside each room. One room was a library, where students were feverishly writing things down. The next room acted as a ‘counseling’ type room, where two people would sit in front of each other and ask each other questions. (For all the negative talk regarding psychology, a lot of what takes place here is very psychological in nature. Discussing feelings and personal wrongs/pains.)

• When we walked into the next room, the first thing we saw was a woman, seated up close to the wall – facing it – with a book open on her lap. She was reciting, softly, something, by rote. Prayer-like. Our guide immediately explained that she was committing to memory the information she needed to speak at a conference… she was going about it in this way, so as not to forget her lines when she spoke in front of the crowd. (A bit hardcore, we thought). In that same room, there was an “E-meter” (according to the booklet we were given, an E-Meter – which is really just a modified lie detector – “measures the mental state or change of state of a person, helping the auditor and preclear locate areas of spiritual distress or travail so they can be addressed or handled.”


• The E-Meter is basically two tins cans, each attached with a wire to the machine with the meter that measures your mind activity. Our guide passionately boasted on and on about how it works: You hold a can in each hand and it creates a closed circuit from your hands up your arms, through your mind, and through the machine. You are asked questions during this auditing process.

• Then we were taken to a waiting room of sorts and on the wall was the process chart, the levels that you go through to reach the different levels of Scientology. The desirable level to reach is Clear, the level at which, our guide told us, you don’t think for yourself, instead, the spirit takes over. And the body is merely a vessel. O-kaaay…


• While Melissa and I were looking over this convoluted chart, entailing many steps to becoming a full-fledged member of Scientology, our guide was trying to locate an empty auditing room to show us. At this point, I (Joan) became weirded out by the entire thing and decided we’d best let on about our other ‘plans’ lest we get audited ourselves. We were “meeting John at the Biltmore for dinner at 6:30,” which happened to conveniently be located 20 minutes from the Centre, thus requiring our guide to wrap it up quicker. Realizing he had very little time left with us, our guide hurried us up a very narrow stairwell and let us into the auditing room. It was what we’d just seen before, only empty. On the desk was the E-meter and there were a few folders and a test left open on the desk. I (Melissa), of course, snuck a peek. The questions were very psychological: Who has failed you in your life? What is the one thing you would go back and change? Etc. On the floor, in front of the chair where the person being audited would sit was a cushion, as if for kneeling. On the chair there was a donut, you know, the kind you sit on when you have ass issues. We looked to our guide and the woman who had unlocked the door. She looked at us and said in the perkiest of tones: “Isn’t it great?” Uh… sure… great.

• At this point, knowing that we needed to get to our aforementioned ‘plans,’ our guide took us outside to see the front entryway and then showed us out the way we came in – telling us if we ever require more info or would like to join to feel free to contact him. The entire time he was very nice, respectful, and not pushy. But he clearly bought into every last word that L. Ron ever said.

Closing thoughts:

Melissa: I believe that he believes that we used our architectural curiosity about the building as an excuse to get more info about Scientology without being candid about it. But at the same time, it’s not all that surprising that he spent about 20 minutes talking about the actual building and an hour explaining how Scientology works.

Joan: Yes, I believe that, too. I also believe they are the nuttiest bunch of fruitcakes on the planet. That being said, I don’t think the core teaching of Scientology is all that bad. Now, hang on… I’m not sayin’ I’ma gonna join up. I’m just comparing it to other religions – and in that sense, there’s very little difference. They believe that the body is a vessel for the spirit and that once we’re done living this life, we transgress into another earthly body (a la reincarnation, Hinduism, Buddhism, etc.) It’s about bettering yourself and releasing all the mental and bodily harms done to you in this and past lives to progress to a better nature and existence. Really – not so much different than most other religions. However, it does differ in that you have to fork over oodles of cash to join and to rise through the levels. (That, and they think a space monkey resided on the liquid magma core of the planet.) It’s like a pyramid scheme in that sense. And Melissa said it best when she said: It’s like a little bit of Buddhism, a little bit of Christianity, and a whole lot of Science Fiction.