This chick is nuts: N.V.T.S.

OK. Leah Remini's saying some weird-ass shit about Suri Cruise again. While trying on her dress options for the Emmy's in front of interviewer Samantha Harris and E! cameras, she uttered the following:

"She'’s normal, okay? She's normal, people. She pees in her diaper, she sleeps, she wakes up every couple of hours. This is what babies do, okay? There'’s nothing abnormal about her."”

She went on to say that she's gorgeous because her parents are Tom and Katie and that people shouldn't find it odd that they're being protective, because that's how parents are with their children.

What kills me is that she doesn't think what she's saying is weird... She thinks that everyone else is wierd for surmising ridiculous scenarios about the mystery child, us included. What she doesn't get is, that for a very public couple (who practically had coitus on the red carpet ad naseum) to all of a sudden become shy and closed off is what's wierd. Now that Tom's out of a job, he might not be able to afford keeping this whackjob on the payroll. I don't see Travolta doing damage control as much as this loon -- and he's level, like, twelve or something. Shit.

THIS JUST IN:

Lean Remini floats down the carpet in a purple Versace number (above left) up to Ryan Secrest's podium...and thus followed the tensest 2 minutes on E! in a looooong time. Ryan was bold enough to drop the "T" word on live TV. And Leah was having none of it. The following is paraphrased, but you get the gist ;)

Ryan: When'd you get to be such close friends with Tom Cruise?
Leah: Two years or so...
Ryan: So, when are we gonna see the baby?
Leah: I just wish everyone would get off this already and find something else to talk about.
Ryan: I just wanna know when we're gonna see it so I can stop talking about when we're gonna see it.
Leah: I like to refer the the baby as "Her."

Yeeeeeeeesh. AWKWARD!

Emmy Coverage

Conan O'Brien may be hosting the award ceremony tonight,
but tomorrow night is devoted to the
snarkiest Emmy coverage you'll ever see.
Turn to J&M tomorrow evening
for a complete wrap-up of the Emmy festivities.
See ya then!
--Joan & Melissa

Can't come soon enough

The new poster for Lost Season Three has been unveiled. We'll have to wait till October 3rd for the season to start -- but this will whet our appetite for the next five minutes. Notice Claire is next to Jack? And Kate is sandwiched between Jack and Sawyer? Notice how I'm interpreting entirely too much based on absolutely nothing?

Suri Sighting

Much like Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster, Suri Cruise is an elusive being -- and most likely an urban myth. But, before you put on your night-vision spectacles and strain your eyes looking at the latest grainy image of the TomKat spawn (above) ... Listen to what the latest eyewitness has to say:

TMZ has spoken to a man who got a lot more than he bargained for when he passed Tom Cruise's home on a Hollywood star tour....The man...arrived at Cruise's house...hit the buzzer on the security gate...it opened. They started driving up the driveway and the first security guard waved them on...When they arrived at the top, they saw Katie Holmes holding...the ever-elusive Suri in her arms. Frank says he and his companions were no more than five feet from the baby, and he tells TMZ that Suri looked "cute" and "perfectly normal." Tom, meanwhile, was playing with two older children...on the lawn....At that point...The guards demanded to see copies of their driver's licenses...security held them for about half an hour, and then ordered them to leave the compound. [tmz]

I ain't buyin' this load of shit for a minute. Let into the Cruise compound without an inquisition? Crap. Pure, unadulterated crap.

And why does everyone keep saying this kid looks "normal"? WTF? If you gotta emphasize that point, clearly that shit ain't true. Those VF pics can't get pubbed soon enough.

I'm telling you... I see an alien head in this pic... see???

Plus and Proud

For those of you who haven't been watching Project Runway, do... it's fab. I've gotten seriously hooked this season. But something was said last week that didn't sit well with me, and I wondered if I was being too sensitive. One of the contestants made an ill-fitting dress that made the model look larger than she really was. Heidi Klum said that the dress made the model look 'plus sized' and then followed that with something to the effect of: looks horrible. Taken in conjunction, that sends a bad message. And being plus-sized myself, I was taken aback momentarily. I thought it was poor taste to air such opinions on a show that has such a large viewership.

But, I got over it. It's just a fact of life. The majority of the women in this country are a size 14 or over -- yet we live in a world that is dictated by the size 10's and below. But, I have to say, in Heidi's defense (maybe I'm being naive, but I have a hard time believing she'd be this stupid and she seems like she doesn't have a mean bone in her body) -- I think her comments were meant to be taken separately and not in conjunction. The outfit was ill-fitting, and it did make the model look larger than she was... and it did look horrible. Bear in mind, the contestants were creating garments made out of recyclable/non-fabric items. So, I think, this time... we big girls need to, as Melis would say, "simma down now".

Kathy Najimy isn't backing off though:

Kathy Najimy won't be watching "Project Runway" anymore. The former "Veronica's Closet" star is upset with "dangerous" comments made by Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn on last week's episode pertaining to plus-size women. Kathy took particular issue with Gunn calling one of the runway models "zaftig" (pleasantly plump) and Heidi's comment that an outfit made a model look plus-size, which Najimy believes implied that plus-size was "the ultimate of horrors." [tmz]

Here is the picture, judge for yourself:

So that's what that was all about...

Now it's all making sense. I couldn't figure out why Jake G. and Matt M. were so far up in Lance Armstrong's anal cavity all this time. They were wooing him...

Jake Gyllenhaal will fill the bicycle seat of Lance Armstrong in a biopic ... Armstrong told sources at ESPN that Matthew McConaughey had been up to play the part, but lost out to Gyllenhaal. "He said that'’s why he has been spending so much time with them both this summer,"” said the source. However, it seems like there are no hard feelings between Matt and Lance. The fast friends have spent the summer taking vacations to Miami beach together and living as roommates in McConaugheys Malibu bachelor pad. [usweekly]

That's a long way to go for a part, no? And how awkward, the two of them trying to best each other at the same time, under the same roof? I'm sorry, something is so weird about this scenario. And how the hell is Jake gonna ugly himself up to look like Lance? That's a physical impossibility. There's not enough "dream" at DreamWorks to make that happen.

Mindless information you didn't need to know

According to US Weekly:

Backstage at the Teen Choice Awards, host Jessica Simpson, 26, asked presenter Britney Spears if she could kiss her pregnant belly. “Hell no!” responded Spears, 24. Says a witness, “Jessica was really insulted, but Britney refused to let her do it.”

I don't know what's worse here... The fact that Jessica Simpson actually wanted to kiss BritBrit's belly and risk possible infection, or that BritBrit thought the request was so weird, she denied access to said belly. If Britney thinks you've gone too far, you know something ain't right with the world.

There is a God...

Were they even seriously considering having another child? He can't lift them now... What she wants with that sack of bones is beyond me anyhow... Look at that picture... it's like she's his nurse and he's out on a day pass. Had they gone ahead with a third, that woulda been one dusty-ass seed:

Hollywood couple Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones have decided not to have any more children. The pair had planned to add to their brood, Dylan, six and Carys three ... but have decided to settle on two. Douglas says, "I think Catherine's resigned to the fact. She's gone back and forth on the subject, but when she gets back into work, I think she realizes that two's enough... [imdb]

Two's enough... for everyone. In fact, stop having sex. The mental picture is making me sick.

Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out...

You gotta love this. Finally some karmic retribution for Tom Cruise's recent ills against humanity. In an unexpected, yet thoroughly enjoyable, move -- Paramount has decided against renewing Tom Cruise's sweetheart deal of a contract and sent his ass packing. After 14 years of blissful unity, Paramount has realized Cruise just isn't their cup of tea anymore. And the head of Paramount's parent company isn't holding back:

"As much as we like him personally, we thought it was wrong to renew his deal," Viacom chairman Sumner Redstone told The Wall Street Journal in a candid interview. "His recent conduct has not been acceptable to Paramount...It's nothing to do with his acting ability, he's a terrific actor. But we don't think that someone who effectuates creative suicide and costs the company revenue should be on the lot." [independent/uk]

The 14-year relationship between Cruise's production company and Paramount exploded Tuesday after Sumner Redstone, chairman of Paramount parent Viacom Inc., said Cruise's recent behavior, such as jumping on Oprah Winfrey's couch and aggressively advocating Scientology, was "creative suicide." Redstone said such displays cost the studio up to $150 million in lost ticket sales for Cruise's last film, "Mission: Impossible III." ... "We're talking about a guy who makes $20 million to $25 million up front as an actor," Brett Pulley, a senior editor at Forbes magazine, told Mason. "Then there's also an additional 20 percent of the back-end profits. In addition he's getting a producers fee and he's getting back-end participation as a producer. [cbs]

Seriously, how is he going to find a sweeter deal than that one -- especially now, since he's damaged goods. Sure, he'll find a deal. But, it can never amount to the way he was able to sucker Paramount for 14 years. Let's see Xenu get him out of this one.

JOAN & MELISSA’S TOP TEN RED CARPET RULES

Number 1: Do wear a color that is drastically different than your hair and skin color.

Melissa: Don’t pull a Nicole Kidman and wear a dress within the same shade as your hair and skin where you appear like Casper the Friendly Ghost.

Joan: Don’t think head-to-toe black is right for everyone. Just because it’s a formal event, black is not always the best option.

Number 2: Don’t get caught in a fashion faux pas.

Joan: Don’t get caught on camera with the hem of your skirt hiked up into the crack of your ass. I’ve been there…and getting back ain’t easy.

Melissa: Don’t pull a Hilary Swank and admit on national TV that the hem of your dress came undone and that you taped it up on the limo. Not only will then everyone know why the hem of your dress looks like shit but you’ll also lose a relationship with whatever designer it is whose dress that was.

Number 3: Do remember your designer!

Joan: Nothing is more embarrassing than forgetting the name of the designer who made your dress. The sole reason they gave you that dress was for the plug, so do your part.

Melissa: You have no excuse to forget, you don’t get paid ridiculous amounts of money for something you call acting for nuttin’.

Number 4: If you trip…

Joan: Make a joke out of it. People will be less inclined to feel pity for you.

Melissa: Stomp your fist on the ground and curse the spirit of Xenu. Yell out that no vitamin can make you feel as good as those uppers you swallowed down with your vodka tonic in the limo.

Number 5: Don’t forget to compliment Joan on her 568th facelift. Remember she can pan you on the Red Carpet Special.

Joan: That’s not funny, Melissa. If it wasn’t for this face… you wouldn’t have a career.

Number 6: if you should have a nip slip…

Joan: Flaunt it. There are only so many years you can get away with this shit. Trust me.

Melissa: Take it from me; I’d be doing this Red Carpet Special topless if it weren’t for that damn FCC. Damn you too, Janet Jackson, for ruining it for the rest of us!

Joan: There’s something to be said for a well-orchestrated wardrobe malfunction. Work it, Melis.

Number 7: Hygiene!

Joan: Brush your damn hair and try to appear as if you’ve showered recently. You people make me sick.

Melissa: Amen, mom! This goes straight to Paul Giamatti. If I have to see your hairy-ass face at another awards show, I’m gonna have to slap you upside the head!

Joan: and this may be controversial, but I’m saying it anyway. Johnny Depp: Clean up.

Number 8: EAT!

Melissa: You mofos ain’t po’, you got enough money to wipe your asses with. EAT SOMETHING! I’m sick of seeing bony chests and stringy arms.

Joan: In the immortal words of my dear friend, George Carlin: Rich bitch, doesn’t wanna eat? Fuck her.

Melissa: Truer words have never been spoken.

Number 9: Borrowed Jewels

Joan: Harry Winston and Neil Lane are at your beck and call, for god’s sake – pick something nice. Don’t show up in my QVC costume gold-plated, tin-filled pieces of crap.

Melissa: This goes straight up to Paula Abdul. Homegirl showed up with diamond everything last year at the Emmy’s. Simma down now. One or two elegant pieces do the trick.

Number 10: Men, no fancy stuff.

Joan: No one really cares what you look like – until you do something stupid. I’m talking to you Samuel L. Jackson. Tuxes are all the same. Just look neat and polished.

Melissa: Agreed, get rid of the Kangol hats and the purple tuxes. Do the traditional black tie thing.

Well, I think we covered it Joan. Follow these rules and we won’t make fun of you on our Red Carpet Review. Well, I’m sure we’ll still find something to pan you on anyway.

Nothing new here, folks

Katie is still being lead by TC and he's over her like a freakin' hawk. And there are still no signs of Suri. TC and Katie leave Maestro's Steakhouse in LA. *yawn*




This is kinda juicy though:

A source from the Vanity Fair shoot of Suri Cruise says the baby looks enough like Cruise and Holmes for their parentage to be plausible, but that it is a bit of a runt, and required 21 days of photography, plus three days of digital touching-up, before the magazine and celebrity parents had a cover image they liked.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ok...Joan. Keith Urban had posed for Playgirl back in the day, 5 years ago. While they weren't racy pics with junk exposed, they sure are damn funny. Enjoy.

The Butterscotch Stallion Rides Again

By now, you've all heard about the rumors that Kate Hudson's marriage broke up due to her affair with co-star Owen Wilson. The Butterscotch Stallion is an infamous ladies man and I seriously doubt he's into the concept of settling down with anyone, even fair Kate. Owen is so serious about his innocence in this 'affair' that he's taken up legal counsel:

"Wilson has hired Hollywood heavyweight lawyer Martin Singer to slap a lawsuit on anyone who goes so far to suggest the actor is responsible for his You, Me & Dupree co-star Kate Hudson's marriage split." [irish examiner]

If the rumor turns out to be true, he's going to have to explain that mud on his face.

Invasion of the body snatchers...

Can you say "creepy"? This gives me the shivers.

[Holmes] attended a girls-only party held by In Style magazine, ... [and] took along an uninvited guest who is believed to be one of her Scientology minders. "You weren't allowed to bring a guest with you. But Katie brought a guest, one of her Scientology 'handlers'. She was the only one that didn't come alone. Katie's minder kept a watchful eye and a close distance at all times. It was so creepy! You couldn't really talk to her honestly and openly," an insider who attended the party confessed..."Katie looked dead in the eyes. She was not the same person she was before she met Tom." [fashion monitor/toronto]

Here are some pics of the creepy Katie at the party...

As if we needed more proof...

...that Tom Cruise is fuck-all crazy and batshit insane, two stories managed to surface this week to feed the fire that is clearly raging out of friggin' control.

It's not hard to believe that stars themselves can get starstruck. They have idols...just like the average Joe has idols. But, one would think that a celebrity wouldn't stoop to stalking his idol -- especially since he knows firsthand how celebrity can be a curse as much as it's a blessing. Not Tom. No... it's pretty clear he doesn't know when to draw the line:

A report...suggests that the actor [Tom Cruise] followed Joltin' Joe [Dimaggio] all over the place, spooking him and nearly prompting him to call the cops. In the mid-'90s, when Cruise had already ascended to the top of the Tinseltown heap, he would...show up unbidden at baseball-signing shows and wait for DiMaggio to appear, and even waited outside a restaurant for him once for three hours. But the famous Yankee...wasn't impressed, and instead, according to the source, referred to Cruise as "a short little guy" who scared him a little. "This guy is following me around everywhere I go," said DiMaggio to R&M's source. "Next time, I'm going to call the cops." [tmz]

And, just in case you're still not ready to accept the fact that Tom is a nutbag, get a gander at this:

Tom told an Ireland online entertainment website that he's got a to-do list and climbing Everest is on top of it. "I work night and day trying to get it done," he says. [mounteverest.net]

Tom Cruise will attempt to climb 29,000 feet to the top of Mount Everest once shooting wraps on Mission: Impossible III. The daredevil acto...wants to fulfill a childhood dream by hiking up the Himalayan mountain after filming is completed on the action sequel. Cruise says, "I really enjoy climbing - and Everest is the ultimate challenge. Life's an adventure. And the adventure is what you make it. It's every little boy's dream to climb Everest. I believe I can make that dream become a reality." [imdb]

'nuff said. --joan.

Are they or aren't they?

Recently, it looked like Vaughniston was altar bound... but just last week, WENN reported that Jen’s Gal Pals convened to help her get over yet another broken heart:

“Aniston…allegedly call[ed] off her impending marriage to boyfriend Vince Vaughn. The actress is reportedly single again and is calling on best pals Courtney Cox, Sheryl Crow and volleyball star Gabrielle Reese to help her cope with another broken romance….Aniston staged a girls-only get together at Cox’s Malibu, California home on July 24 and has been referring to herself as ‘the new Jen’ ever since.” [IMDB/WENN]

But don’t blink: Just today, celebrity gossip blogs across the nation began reporting that the engagement was back on. However, it was just hours later it was off again. Reputable sources for delicious gossip reported that no one really knows what the f--- is going on:

“To break it down: Life & Style reports engagement, Us Weekly [and] Life & Style reports breakup, Us Weekly counters with engagement report, Life & Style conveniently forgets prior breakup report, points finger at Us Weekly and says, ‘Nana nana boo-boo.’ Yes, denies engagement, our heads hurt too.” [E! Online]

But wait, here’s where it gets reallllly interesting. It appears that Matthew “Homina Homina” McConaughey has been pursuing Jen—professionally and personally:

“Newly single Matt...call[ed] Jennifer. Star Magazine reports this week that Jen recently turned him down—gently after his inquiry but they report Matt is not giving up so easily.... ‘When Matthew called, the source tells Star, ‘Jen told him she was flattered, but she didn’t think it would be right to go out with Matt while she’s dating Vince.’ A friend of Matt’s then tells Star Magazine, “He doesn’t give up when he has his eye on someone. He’s figuring out his next move.’” [National Ledger]

Even if the latter happens not to be true, that’s some good-ass dirt. It’s the kinda dirt I like to role around in. But humor me here… and consider this post an open letter to Ms. Aniston:

Dear Jen,

I only want the best for you, which is why I feel absolute honesty is called for. Now is not the time to be settling down again. Sow some oats, sweetie. Yes, I know.... Vince is boyishly charming -- but let’s face it, as nice as the guy can be—he’s not mature enough for marriage and kids... Why tie yourself down so quickly after your divorce?

Here’s my advice: Tell Vince you need some space. Call Matthew and accept his offer. Girl, you gotta tap that ass. Opportunities like this don’t come along that often and when they do, by God, you have to pounce on them, ravage them, get tangled up in the damn bed sheets and just screw them senseless.... Do it for yourself, Jen. Damn it, do it just to say you did it. And, for God's sake, do it for womankind!

--Joan,
Proud Member of Team Aniston.

P.S.: If you’re really confused by the whole situation, consider the picture below “food for thought.”

oh, what is happening here???

There's nothing real genius about that...

Have Alien Baby, Will Travel

Little Suri Cruise has been introduced to society. Hollywood society that is....Cruise was in attendance at a birthday party for Will Smith's son, Jaden. And, again, we hear that mini TomKat is "beautiful".... The party, in LA, was to celebrate Jaden's eighth birthday - and what with Tom being great mates with Will and wife Jada Pinkett Smith, he, Katie and Suri were on the invite list. However, sadly, there are still no pics of Suri circulating, but the paper reports one partygoer as saying: "Suri is a beautiful baby with no deformities that I could see." [sky news/uk]

Considering all the weird-ass things that have been said already about Suri Cruise, what a particularly odd thing to say... Sure, people are speculating, but to offer that info up... Methinks the Scientologists protest too much. So, we're to assume that no one who attended this birthday party had a camera? Not one of the doting parents? Riiiiiiight.

If only Freud were still alive...

You cannot tell me that Tom Cruise doesn't suffer from a giant enlargement of the EGO. A few years ago, I thought Tom's willingness to be a good Samaritan was totally altruistic -- hey, what a good guy. Today, I'm telling you point blank, this kind of display is a show of pure narcissism.

Cruise and ... Holmes were reportedly headed home from the Los Angeles airport Saturday night ... when they happened upon a pair of motorists in distress.The celebrity duo pulled over and checked to make sure that driver Jon Henningsen and his wife were not seriously injured, then stuck around until the police and fire department arrived. [yahoo/e!]

I mean, it's nice and all... don't get me wrong. But there's something else going on here and it's the chance to gain some positive headlines amidst all these "SURI" rumors significantly outweighed the desire to help his fellow man. Is he even qualified to deal with these emergency-type situations? I mean, as a Scientologist, what was he really going to do: Rub some niacin on them and hope for the best?

The Yahoo story gives a good chronology of Tom Cruise's EMT-like abilities. Go there if you wanna reminisce. Remember, hindsight is 20/20.

How do you spell 'LOSER'?

K.A.T.E.

M.O.S.S.

When she was pictured snorting cocaine and her career appeared to be over, Kate Moss did what was demanded of her and finally ended her relationship with her junkie rocker lover Pete Doherty. But now, as more modelling work than ever piles in for her, Miss Moss is officially back with the Babyshambles frontman. The pair were pictured out together for the first time in months after openly kissing and touching each other during a recording of a music television show. And a flashy bauble on her wedding finger led to speculation that the pair may have even got engaged, with rumours that Jade Jagger is throwing a party for them in Ibiza this week. [daily mail/uk]

Seriously, what does she see in this freak of nature?

It's OVAH, Part One Trillion and Two

"Actress Kate Hudson and her husband, Black Crowes singer Chris Robinson, are splitting...the star's rep, Brad Cafarelli, confirms that the couple are separating after nearly six years of marriage." [people]

I know it sounds crazy, but I really thought these two would stand the test of time... or 15 years, whichever comes first. They both seemed equally earthy and both parts zany and well, it's just a real darn shame. I fear for the legalization of pot. I fear that Chris will now slip into a pot-induced stupor that may not lift. I fear that Kate will trip the light fantastic at all of Hollywood's poshest night spots and forget that peace lovin' hippy chick she once was. Only time will tell, my friends. Only time will tell. --Joan.

Joe Simpson: FREAK!

OK. I've had it. Enough's enough with this pervert. What's he gotta do exactly to get locked up behind bars before he starts wielding his perviness on society at large?

Joe Simpson has often displayed boundary issues in the process of turning his daughters, Jessica, 26, and Ashlee, 21, into sexual commodities (“She’s got double Ds!” Joe told GQ of Jessica’s bust in 2004. “You can’t cover those suckers up!”) , but sources are saying that the girls have had enough. Why? This is, after all, the man who praises the sexiness of daughter Jessica’s body, and who, a source tells Us Weekly, told stories at an MTV meeting of helping her to fit for her first bra. [us weekly]

Apparently the asshole has been going on again about Jessica's breasts. Seriously -- it's time to lock him up and throw away the key. Creep.

Hope they have penicillin on tap...

Could Dave Navarro try not to date a stripper/porn star/playmate for like once in his damn life? I'm sure all the guys out there hearing this news are high-fiving each other senseless. But, I just can't get over the "ick" factor here. So, "Ick." *shudder* And what do women find so attractive about Navarro anyway? Look at him... He's a circus freak. Come on.

Just weeks after splitting from Carmen Electra, Dave Navarro is taking up with a fellow not-quite-singleton, adult film star Jenna Jameson, PEOPLE reports in its new issue. "It's new," says a Navarro source of the relationship between the Rock Star: Supernova host, 39, and Jameson, 32. "They're not officially dating." [people]

Suri, Wherefore art thou, Suri?

We'll have an answer to that question come fall... Why wait till autumn to get a visual on TomKat's kin? Because. That's why. Just because.

No, there's no good answer -- no sufficient reason for stalling the baby pics this long. Today, however, word came off the wire that pictures will indeed be taken. And not by any Tom, Dick or Harry -- by famed photog, Annie Liebovitz herself. Vanity Fair nabbed the coveted rights to take and print the first-ever pics of Suri Cruise. Only time will tell if these pictures will actually surface. And only a DNA test will prove that the kid in the pics is really TomKat's spawn.

Vanity Fair magazine has landed the first photos of Suri Cruise...the pictures were taken by celebrity photographer Annie Leibovitz and will be published this fall...A spokeswoman for Vanity Fair had no comment and a spokesman for Leibovitz's studio said, "We know nothing about this. The studio is closed for August." [washington post]

Great Jumpin' Xenu!

Jesus...
Looks like someone could use a 'manziere' and a girdle.
That's way too much Travolta for my taste.
Make it stop,
in all that is good and pure,
make it stop.

Melissa Might Go Mental Over This...

Melissa, I don't know how to break it to you, dear... but your beloved childhood/adulthood idol, Hello Kitty, has gone...SLUT. Seems like Sanrio thought it was a fabulous idea to create a Paris Hilton inspired Hello Kitty. Good news: It's available only in Japan.

Triple Axle-Faux Pas Combination Spin

You didn't have to suffer through Fox's Skating with the Stars: I'll reveal the best thing to come out of it... GOSSIP. Turns out, Kristy "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" Swanson fell hard for her professional ice skating partner Lloyd Eisler. Never mind the fact that he was a married man at the time and she was dating someone else. In a now-famously tawdry moment on the Howard Stern Radio Show, Kristy's ex, Matt, aired some of her dirty laundry and details about the skaters' trysts:

Matt...sensed Kristy and Lloyd were interested in each other while they were taping “Skating,” but it wasn’t until they all went to a comedy club together that he got he got his proof. Matt explained that, while they were sitting at a table with Lloyd’s pregnant wife, Lloyd put his hand on Kristy’s leg, and kept it there for an extended period of time....Matt...found Kristy and Lloyd in bed together [after] .... “Skating” had just finished taping one night, and Lloyd and Kristy were out celebrating at a hotel. Matt commented that he went to the hotel where the two were partying.... Matt [revealed] that Kristy not only “liked to puke while he skull f’ed her in the shower,” but that she also used to “toss his salad.” [howardstern.com]

Such a classy broad. Well, it looks like Lloyd's got some mad swimmers... he managed to knock up Kristy, too:

Skating With Celebrities winners Kristy Swanson and Lloyd Eisler are expecting their first child together on Valentine's Day, the Associated Press reports. [people

Who knew figure skating was so seedy?

Shotgun Weddin'?

Perhaps this is the reason they rushed to the altar, uh, wedding at sea?

Newlywed Pamela Anderson has got tongues wagging in Hollywood after hinting she was pregnant with hew husband Kid Rock's baby on a radio show....Less than a week after her nuptials, Anderson phoned into...Ryan Seacrest's daily radio breakfast show on Friday, insisting, "I've never been happier." And when Seacrest asked about the couple's plans to extend their family and have a child together, the actress/model giggled, "There might be one in there now." [imdb/wenn]

Those crazy kids just might be mixed up enough to think they have to go and get hitched just cause there's a bun in the oven. Who'da thunk either of them would be so traditional? If she's really preggars, then I hope that's apple juice in that there champagne glass. Ya'hear?

One question: Does this mean the baby will get the hep? I'm so going to hell. --Joan.

Sidebar: The couple plans on marrying not once, but 4 times. Isn't that going to make getting divorced just that much harder?

I bet she owns stock...

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Reasons Why Suri Doesn't Exist, Part Two

At this point, if Tom and Katie do decide to finally show off "Suri" in front of eager paparazzi, I'm gonna have an awfully hard time believing the kid is the legitimate Cruise-Holmes heir. Nothing short of a double-blind DNA test is going to get me to believe that whatever kid they reveal as theirs is indeed theirs.

The media are getting so desperate, they're resorting to dressing up a Katie lookalikes holding a "newborn[s] of normal size" and photographing a faux mother and child from about a mile away through heavily Vaseline-smeared lenses. (Not that I don't appreciate the effort -- I'm getting tired of looking at photoshopped images of the "unholy trinity" and reptilian Xenu-looking infants.)

So, the more time that passes, the more conspiracy theories we all come up with. Allow me to share a few of my latest musings, solo and with the aid of like minds:

• Suri does exist, but -- she's neither Tom nor Katie's child. Suri is the product of a surrogate birth. The DNA used to create baby Suri was from donors with similar physical characteristics, so as to produce a believable fake. This was necessary since Tom is clearly teh gehy -- the process involved positively no coitus. The couple was quite surprised when baby Suri finally came into the world and ended up looking nothing like what they bargained for. The race was on to find a suitable replacement. Thus, the need to stall the public and go into seclusion became a necessity. This surrogate theory also plays well into the "now-you-see-it now-you-don't" pregnant belly Katie sported during those much publicized trimesters.

• Suri does exist, but -- she's a circus freak. While sonogram machines are quite reliable, there are certain characteristics that fail to rise to the surface, that is -- until the actual birth. Suri, it would seem, is a bit of a freakshow. Tom's vain attempts to cure the child's physical oddities with tinctures of niacin and vitamin C proved fruitless. Embarrassed by their daughter's appearance, the couple decided to stall the press until they're able to come to a suitable solution.

• Since Tom and Katie never consummated their relationship, because of the aforementioned “gehyness”, Katie was artificially inseminated with the sperm of a perfectly matched donor. However, the samples were mixed up and 9 months later, Katie gave birth to a child of a completely different race. The couple retreat into seclusion until they can come up with a plausible explanation.

That's all I have for now, but you can be sure there's more coming. Stay tuned. ;) Joan.

Oh, suckah please...

What do Jada Pinkett-Smith, Leah Remini and Penelope Cruz have in common? They've all managed the impossible: They've laid eyes on Suri Cruise. And, just as odd as the little lovefest they've created are their comments regarding Suri -- all vague, to say te very least. Here's Penelope on the mystery child:

"I met Suri. She is really beautiful. She is really special," the 32-year-old actress told reporters Thursday at the London premiere of her new film, Volver. "One of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen. And I am extremely happy for them. They are really happy and doing great." [people]

Hmmm. I ain't buyin' it. Nope. Boy, Tom sure has a hold on her, even after all these years. She played a good beard. But apparently, she's still on his payroll -- ordering up some damage control stat.

Hey Joan...

What is really going on here is highly questionable.

Detached hand alert

Looks like Kate Bosworth's hand is detached from her arm. This is definitely a cause for concern.