Joan's head just may explode

David Duchovny is on Joan's Top Ten list of men who make her go humina, humina, humina. And this story may be enough to send Joan reaching for a cigarette. --Melissa

It looks like David Duchovny's skinny-dipping days are over. TMZ has learned that Agent Mulder and his beautiful wife, Tea Leoni, have lost their appeal to block a new, multi-million dollar, 8649 sq ft home from being built above their Malibu Hills mansion.

Leoni appeared before the Malibu Planning Commission on Feb. 21, flanked by her lawyers, a geologist and some supportive neighbors, but her argument that the new home would damage both the ecology and geology of the scenic area fell on deaf ears. The building application was approved.

But TMZ has learned that Leoni had "special" privacy concerns. A source connected with the Commission explains: "Tea told a planning official that David loves to swim and shower naked in their backyard," and she was concerned he'd be visible to their new neighbors. The official explained to Leoni that her argument would not carry the day.

Yale graduate Duchovny is a dedicated tri-athlete who loves to swim laps in his pool. [TMZ]

Severely pregnant woman travels lots

TC has hit up Tahiti on his latest jaunt around the globe with the ultra-preggers Katie. She's literally going to birth that child in the plane or in some hotel at the rate these two are going. And where is Katie's chaperone in the last picture? Is it possible that TC actually let her go off on her own for a little while? --Melissa

Smokin' in the boys' room...

Uh-oh. Just when everyone thought George cleaned up his act and settled himself into domestic bliss... now comes this:

"Singer George Michael has been arrested on suspicion of possessing drugs in London's West End. The 42-year-old singer was taken into custody in the early hours of Saturday morning. It is thought that he was arrested by officers on suspicion of possessing Class C drugs. Police confirmed that a 42-year-old man had been arrested and that he has been bailed to return to a police station next month. " [BBC]

Pulling for Sheryl...

Ironic: This news comes post-breakup w/Lance Armstrong. Sheryl Crow has undergone breast-cancer surgery. What's the chance that she was diagnosed prior to the break-up? -- in which case -- Lance is an even bigger fuck than I thought he was. Creep.

Sheryl Crow has announced that she is recovering from breast cancer surgery. News of Crow's cancer battle was broken Friday on her Website and confirmed by her publicist, Dave Tomberlin, who said the 43-year-old singer-songwriter underwent successful "minimally invasive" surgery on Wednesday.

"Her doctors think her prognosis is excellent," Tomberlin said. The nine-time Grammy winner will now begin precautionary radiation treatment, according to a statement on sherylcrow.com.

"I am joining the more than 200,000 women who will be diagnosed with breast cancer this year," Crow says on the site, adding the cancer was detected early. "I am inspired by the brave women who have faced this battle before me and grateful for the support of family and friends."

To allow time for rest and recuperation, Crow has scrapped her North American tour, which was scheduled to kick off next month and run through April....The cancer announcement comes exactly three weeks after she made public her split from Lance Armstrong. [eonline]

Here's wishing the best to Miss Sheryl... Get well soon.

Snarky Sayonara, week 1

Goodbye Copacabana Boy, you've infected most of our brains with the endless looping of "Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl / Copa, copa cabana..." and now you must deservedly leave us. I'm sure Barry's relieved that you've been released into the wild to get back to stalking him without a hitch.

Adios Stevie, Princess Pout. You can pout well, we can see this. You can touch your upper lip to the tip of your nose with seemingly no trouble. We saw this on performance night when the judges critiqued you and last night when you got the boot. Goodbye, oh fair and skinny one.

Have a good one, Long Neck. Yes, your neck is freakishly long and your Adam's Apple is very prominent. So prominent that a career in drag will never be for you. Goodbye, and may oxygen always make its way up your neck and into your brain.

And lastly, see ya later Becky. You are very pretty. But since you don't have a future on American Idol, you might want to give Stuff and FHM a call. Don't leave them out in the cold. Happy posing.

Oh and does anyone remember this shot of Long Neck's "friends" in the audience??? Three words: What.The.Fuck?

Here comes the bride...

Nicole Kidman's making sure she makes that trip down the aisle before her former husband does. He may have beat her to the punch in the baby department, but Nic's not letting any grass grow under her feet when it comes to her wedding to country singer and hot hot hotty, Keith Urban.

"Nicole Kidman and country star Keith Urban have sent out Invitations for their wedding, which will reportedly take place next month. Marriage rumors have besieged the couple - who began dating last year - since November, when Kidman began wearing a large diamond ring on her left hand. Sources tell American magazine Us Weekly the couple will exchange vows in Australia in early March. The source says, "Nicole is an Australian girl at heart. It's no surprise that she would want to get married here."" [imdb]

Nicole and Keith have maintained a low profile, unlike Tom and Katie, opting for a private courtship... No PDAs for these two. A class act all the way.

--Joan

Musings on the top 24...

Today was a day of observations. Nuray, our friend Pegs, and yours truly waxed bitchy on the 2006 American Idol contestants. The top 24 are a cast of characters, to say the least. Only about 1/2 of them have actual talent and of the talented ones, there are maybe 5 that can really stand to impress us in the coming months.


With the exception of Ace [holy frickin' hotness], the boys are really quite hard to look at.

One in particular, Elliot -- who has talent, granted...but he's not what one might call "easy on the eyes." I made the observation that he bears a resemblance to a particular barnyard animal...




I think it's a pretty close match. Hey, I suppose there are worse things you could look like...

One of the girls we can't stand is Becky -- who's every bit the porn queen and centerfold wannabe -- oh, scratch that! Looks like she's already got that under her belt. Here's Becky and her sister posing in Maxim...



Well, at least she'll have a job when she gets the ax in the next few weeks.



Will -- a fresh faced lad with an okay voice. He can carry a tune -- but he's nothing special. He's got that Bobby Brady look -- but he reminded Nuray of someone else... uncanny, eh? Nice to see Fred Savage working again.

Bobby Bennet -- he's a walking riddle. How in the world he made it into the top 24, we'll never know. Quirky? Sure. He's the kind of guy that has a bizarre and unsettling collection of some sort...most likely toenail clippings...or strands of Barry Manilow's hair.


Pegs: Is it me, or is Copa Boy [Bobby Bennet] the oldest 19-year-old on the planet? I'd mistake him for a 50-year-old. Nicole: Yeah, he was 19. About 20 yrs ago.

Sway's performance got kudos from the judges. Frankly, it just made our ears bleed. There's no accounting for taste...



Nuray: Sway is talented--I'll give him that. But too pimpish! Nicole: Oh, f that guy. I wanna smack that hat off his head.

Then there's the new Carrie Underwood...well, she wishes she was the new Carrie Underwood. The judges keep raving about her likability... frankly -- we find her one of the most irritating people on the planet...

Nicole: ...the pickle's dad's in prison... Aww, ain't 
that sweet?
He can vote using his 
one phone call privilege per day.
And what's with all the squatting when she sings?
Looks like she's taking a dump.
Nuray: She's crapping out a Pickle.
Nicole: Did u catch that her grandfather's name is clyde.
Does she fulfill every southern stereotype there is???
Pegs:   I don't know...are her teeth real?
Nuray:  I don't know... I can't imagine she'd have money lying around to get caps.

Well, it shall be an interesting 
season. Stay tuned! --Nicole, aka Joan.

Back togetha?

Hillary Swank and Chad Lowe might be back on. At least there's some hope in the otherwise desolate landscape of failing Hollywood marriages. --Melissa

Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe announced their split in January – but on Sunday the couple met at the low-key Tra di Noi restaurant in Malibu for a late lunch, PEOPLE reports in its upcoming issue.

"They seemed to be getting along very well," said an observer, noting that after the meal, Lowe, 38, walked Swank, 31, to her car. "He put his arm on her back when they were saying goodbye."

So, are the pair, who wed 8 years ago, reconciling? No official word yet, but a close friend of the double-Oscar winner tells PEOPLE, "It's not the first time (they've eaten together), it's just the first time the cameras have been around. It's evidence that they're working on their marriage."

These preservation-of-marriage acts can be typical, say professionals. "In any divorce or separation, people are confused. They think, 'Maybe I shouldn't be so hasty,'" says Beverly Hills psychiatrist Carole Lieberman. [People]

So who knows? Looks like we'll just have to wait and see.

Smile like you mean it

More pics of TC and KH at some Scientologist's funeral Down Under. KH flew 15+ hours to attend the funeral of someone she probably barely knew in her very preggers condition, on the verge of squeezing out that puppy. TC, apparently for all the shit he spews, is milking his appearance at this Scientologist's funeral...which aren't funerals supposed to be sad and sombre? The expression on TC's face in all the funeral pics connotes an emotion very, very far from sad. He's got a grin plastered on that face, ear to ear. --Melissa

Throw your arms in the air, wave 'em like you just don't care

TC and KH frolicking Down Under, taking some down time while on a trip to attend some Scientologist's funeral. What's TC's fucking problem? Has he accomplished something, has he conquered something, is he celebrating something that we're not aware of? Why does this moron have his arms up in every picture? And would someone please tell him to get a freakin' tan while he's at it. These pics are painful to look at to say the least. --Melissa

Risky Business

Melissa and I might as well start calling ourselves Holmes and Watson since we've cracked the case of the flying, pregnant scientologist. Let us begin, naturally, at the beginning. When first we learned of the death of scientologist media mogul Kerry Packer, Crazy Tom's publicist issued a statement claiming that Tom would be attending the funeral in Australia sans his kooky fiance:

TOM CRUISE will attend the funeral of media mogul KERRY PACKER in Sydney, Australia alone on Friday (17FEB06), after his pregnant fiancee KATIE HOLMES decided to stay at home at the last minute.

Despite travel plans and accommodation arrangements being scheduled for both Cruise and Holmes, the MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE star will stay at the Four Seasons Hotel in Sydney without his 27-year-old wife-to-be.

Holmes is at least seven months pregnant and was reportedly advised not to endure the 14-hour flight from Los Angeles to Sydney. [contactmusic.com]

But then, Life & Style magazine reported Tom and Katie's potential break-up. Camp Tomkat went into damage control control mode and issued an official statement on behalf of the couple. (See Melissa's previous posting.)

Natch, crazy Tom couldn't have people thinking there was trouble in scientology land...Melissa and I could smell the pending photo-op thousands of miles away...in sunny Aussie land to be exact. Turns out, the very, very pregnant Katie decided to switch her plans suddenly (suspiciously and conveniently, I might add) and attend Mr. Packer's funeral...making the long plane journey in her last trimester...something normal soon-to-be mom's would most likely reconsider and decide against:

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes flew into Sydney, Australia yesterday in a public show of solidarity to attend a state memorial service for media mogul Kerry Packer. Media reports had speculated that the seven-months-pregnant Holmes had cancelled her trip at the last minute on the advice of her doctors who had advised against the 14-hour flight. The couple arrived on Cruise's private jet to show support for Packer's son, James, who has been a close friend of the actor's for five years. [ireland online]

But, as we seen in the past...this is no ordinary couple. They flout better judgment all the time (quick engagement, even quicker pregnancy, ignoring the advice of doctors, the home-edition sonogram machine, couch jumping...I think you get the point). And all this in under a year -- just imagine what the coming months have in store. Stay tuned...

--Joan.

Oh, wouldn't this be a dream come true?

Star might leave The View. Can I get a hallelujah, girlfreeeends? In reality, the sole leaving of Star wouldn't make me watch The View in a million years cause you'll still have the ever-annoying nagging Joy Behar, the Katie-Couric wannabee Meredith Viera, and the devoid-of-all-personality Elisabeth Hasselbeck. But Star's departure is a damn good one to possibly set the wheels of the demise of annoyance in motion. Granted this was reported by The Enquirer and its validity remains in question, a girl can dream, right? --Melissa

The National Enquirer claims that ABC executives are secretly interviewing replacements for the sucked-and-tucked beard. An insider told the tab:

"The producers are looking for someone to take over from Star who will blend in with the other co-hosts. They want someone who will jump into the conversation with their own viewpoint but not be so combative and stubborn as Star has been over the years. All the actresses who have been approached know this is a wonderful opportunity. They are all seriously considering the job because of course it could lead to other big opportunities in the business. Who in their right mind would turn it down? Now it's up to the producers to decide who's the best choice."

One of the reasons behind the reported ousting are Star's frequent on- and off-screen clashes with co-host Joy Behar. We're sure a second reason involves show clean-up crews being sick of all the audience vomit after Star mentions that fake husband Al Reynolds has "the legs of a stallion." Reps for The View deny the rumor, but they're probably just afraid of being bitch slapped by Barbara Walters if they let the news leak. That would be embarrassing. Especially since she would probably ask them how that made them feel afterward. [CelebNewsWire]

Is it OVAH? Part: What would Xenu do?

OR


Here's the dilly: Life & Style magazine printed the "Split" cover to go on sale this Friday. Their website states this:

Life & Style has learned exclusively that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have agreed to call off their wedding — and, ultimately, to split.

Multiple insiders confirmed the story to Life & Style, with one longtime friend of Tom's saying: "Their relationship is basically over." Another friend adds: "They both agreed that the marriage wouldn't work and they wanted to end it before they learned to hate each other."

The insiders say that Tom, 43, and Katie, 27, plan to keep up the charade of a romance until after their baby's birth this spring. In the meantime, the couple will live in his Beverly Hills home — though sleeping in separate bedrooms — through the summer. Then, presumably, they'll announce a separation — but Tom plans to buy Katie a home nearby so he can visit his child whenever he wishes.

"They'll share custody," says the friend, who claims the couple are drawing up a legal document to provide for Katie's and the baby's financial well-being for life. "Tom will set up Katie and the baby," adds the pal.

Then, a statement was released by TC and Katie's rep in regard to the break-up story:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE STATEMENT REGARDING TOM CRUISE AND KATIE HOLMES AND LIFE & STYLE MAGAZINE Los Angeles, CA (February 14, 2006) - In reference to a forthcoming cover story in the tabloid magazine Life & Style about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, it should be known that the story is 100% false. Mr. Cruise and Ms. Holmes are still engaged and are moving forward with their wedding plans, as well as planning for the arrival of their child. Despite the malicious fallacies put forth by Life & Style magazine, the couple is looking forward to a long and happy life together as a family.

According to a story on Yahoo, Life & Style, meanwhile, calculated its accuracy a bit differently, announcing, "We stand 100 percent behind our story."

Get it over with and lock her up already

While the idea of a mom staying at home with her child is the most ideal and great thing in my book, the fact that this is TC and Katie makes it the most creepy and controlling thing ever. And couldn't he just put his arm around the girl like a normal person instead of making it look like he's gonna strangle her after the photo op? --Melissa

Will Katie Holmes be a stay-at-home mom?

The buzz is that Tom Cruise wants his wife-to-be to focus on being a wife and a mother — not on her career. He also reportedly wants her to avoid the spotlight for a while.

"I've got Katie tucked away, so no one will get to us until my child is born — and until I want them to," Cruise recently told "a friend" according to the new issue of Life & Style Weekly.

What's more, according to the mag, the friend claims Cruise doesn't want a repeat of his marriage to Nicole Kidman; the couple had two adopted children and also tended to their careers.

"I said [Katie's] life from now on was going to be about being a mother," Cruise allegedly said. "I'm not giving her the chance to turn into another Nicole." Cruise's rep denies the story. [MSNBC]

Oops, I did it again...

Another day, another fuck-up for BritBrit. Looks like Child Services is on her ass for this. --Melissa

An LA County Sheriff's official has told TMZ that the LA County Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS) will investigate the incident involving Britney Spears and her son. Spears drove in Malibu yesterday with her baby on her lap without any child restraint.

This afternoon, Deputy Sheriff Mark Winn went to the Spears home. The official told TMZ Winn made the trip to get contact information for DCFS, so that DCFS "could do their thing."

Britney's rep told TMZ Winn spoke with security - not Spears herself.

As we first reported, DCFS contacted the LA County Sheriff's Department earlier today, inquiring about the incident. TMZ contacted a DCFS official who would not comment on the matter.

Britney issued a statement saying, "I was terrified that this time the physically aggressive paparazzi would put both me and my baby in danger." She added, "I instinctively took measures to get my baby and me out of harm's way..."

The TV show 'EXTRA' has obtained the following statement from X17, the company that took the picture: "These pictures were taken in a very peaceful context, in which photographers exhibited no aggressive behavior. We believe the pictures speak for themselves." [TMZ]

...and now, today's installment of WHAAAAA?

Reese Witherspoon embroiled in a murder mystery? Huh? What? Yup.

A paparazzo who was charged with battery and child endangerment after pestering Reese Witherspoon and her kids at a theme park last fall has apparently been found dead.

Friends of photographer Todd Wallace said his body was discovered in his Brentwood apartment, according to published reports. Police confirmed that a body was found, but were unable to identify it as Wallace's because of the state of the corpse. [eonline]

Weird. But not weirder than the trouble Big Bird found himself associated with when a body was found in his shed. I kid you not....

Parenting 101

Britney Spears proves why people should be forced to take a very difficult parenting test before conceiving. Had this been a rule, Brit and KFed would not be the lousy ass parents they are today. Seems Britney's f-d up logic told her it would be a good idea to drive with her child in her lap. Never mind that the car seat in the back seat was going to waste... Reuters has more on this complete lack of judgment:

Pictures published in the New York Post and elsewhere on Tuesday showed Spears at the wheel of her sport utility vehicle, holding her 5-month-old baby, Sean, on her lap. A man identified as her bodyguard is shown next to her in the front passenger seat.

According to the Post, Spears drove for at least two miles along the Pacific Coast Highway in the oceanfront area of Malibu on Monday....

She moved the baby to her lap after stopping at the coffee shop to let her bodyguard go inside, then became unnerved as photographers swarmed around the vehicle as she waited for him to return, the source said. When the bodyguard got back in the car, Spears quickly drove off with her son still in her lap....

"I instinctively took measures to get my baby and me out of harm's way, but the paparazzi continued to stalk us, and took photos of us which were sold to the media," she said. "I love my child and would do anything to protect him."

Yeah, that sounds logical to me. Dumb ass. Stick to making crappy music and even crappier videos. Cause parenting sure ain't your strong suit. --Joan.

Is it OVAH? Part: Ted Casablanca ain't yo' friend no' mo'

Hmmm... will we be getting an announcement in a few weeks stating otherwise? --Melissa

The wife of Ocean's Eleven director Steven Soderbergh has dismissed reports her three year marriage to the film-maker is over as "not true."

Jules Asner has rubbished a story on the website of her former E! Entertainment Television colleague Ted Casablanca, which said the pair are on the verge of splitting. Asner insists she and Soderbergh are still "very happy" together.

Casablanca has since issued an apology and retracted the story.

Asner, a former Elite model, and Soderbergh started dating in 2001 and were married in May 2003. [contactmusic]

What would Dawson say?

Looks like Katie is on the hawk-Scientology bandwagon along with her psycho babyDaddy. Roger Friedman, a FOX News correspondant had received an unsolicited Scientology gift package last year.


He got a gander at this year's packet. Here's his account:

I told you one year ago this week that I had received an unsolicited gift package in the mail from the Church of Scientology. It included a personalized, signed note from Tom Cruise, informing me that a donation had been made in my name to the organization. The package also included a framed set of Scientology lessons to live by. The most memorable was No. 12: Never fear to hurt another in a just cause.

Now I've seen the updated package for 2006, and it's a showstopper. The signed note now comes from Tom and Katie, and it includes both of their signatures.

Like the old letter, this one informs lucky recipients that donations have been made in their names to Scientology and welcomes them to check out all the included materials. The package also contains a book that has pictures of smiling children and quotations, in large type, from people who would probably be surprised to find themselves in the company of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard: Kofi Annan and the late Martin Luther King Jr. The quotations are made to seem as if their authors endorse Scientology.

The new Scientology package comes as a brightly-colored cardboard box with many inserts, including a CD and a DVD. The DVD contains a weird music video called "United." At the end of the video, many disparate people — including Jenna Elfman, Erika Christensen, Isaac Hayes and Catherine Bell of the TV show "JAG" — are all sort of nodding in a trance and clapping along while watching a TV news anchorman and repeating the song's chorus over and over.

It made me drowsy from monotony, but perhaps it has a different effect on others.

I can only imagine what Holmes' parents, devout Catholics and upstanding members of Toledo, Ohio, society, think of all this. But I'm told that Cruise recently bought them a million-dollar home close to his in Beverly Hills so they can be near their daughter when she gives birth to their first grandchild.

The date of this blessed event is said to be sometime around May 5, the day "Mission: Impossible 3" opens worldwide. [FOX News]

Someone in Berlin is on Team Aniston

Angelina almost got slapped by a Team Aniston supporter in Berlin. And supposedly Angelina would have kicked this chick's ass if she weren't preggers. And doesn't this picture just scream, "How do you like me now, bitches?" --Melissa

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have escaped an attack by a Jennifer Aniston fan. The loved-up pair - who are expecting their first child together this year - were dining at Berlin's Nola restaurant when a woman stormed in and screamed: "Where is that home-wrecking Angelina?"

The crazed fan - dressed in a Friends T-shirt - spotted the Hollywood couple and attempted to slap Angelina. Fortunately the Tomb Raider star's bodyguards stepped in and held the American woman back while the pair headed for their waiting car. A source is quoted in Britain's Daily Star newspaper as saying: "Angelina had taken her adopted kids Maddox and Zahara to Berlin. It's lucky she left them with a carer."

"The mentally unbalanced American had obviously been tipped off that they would be dining at Nola, because she was wearing an Aniston top and was on the look-out for Angelina. Angelina would normally have confronted the woman, but she was petrified because she's carrying her first child and won't risk any harm coming to it." [FemaleFirst]

It's OVAH! Part: Tour de break-up II

Looks like it's ovah fo' sho' for these two. J&M reported it sometime last month but the status wasn't definite yet, the news was still in the rumor mill. But the cyclist and crooner have come out confirming that they are truly donzo. --Melissa

The worlds of music and sports were rocked Friday when high-profile couple Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow said they were calling it quits after 2 years of dating and a 5-month engagement.

In a statement released to People magazine on Friday afternoon, Lance and Sheryl announced, "After much thought and consideration, we have made a very tough decision to split up. We both have a deep love and respect for each other and we ask that everyone respect our privacy during this very difficult time."

Lance, a cancer survivor, and Sheryl, a Grammy winner, met at a charity event in October 2003 and began dating a short time later. Sheryl was a highly visible supporter of the star cyclist as he won his 7th Tour de France victory, and Lance would spend time with the pop singer on the road during her concert tours.

The two became engaged last September during a vacation in Sun Valley, Idaho.

"He took me out in the middle of this beautiful lake in the middle of the Sawtooth Mountains and asked me to get married on a boat," she told us. "That is the most romantic thing, and he was really nervous, which is kind of funny, because I don't think anyone's ever seen Lance Armstrong be nervous."

The "Soak Up the Sun" singer was recently featured in a photo shoot for Allure magazine wearing a Vera Wang wedding dress and said the 2 were planning on marrying in Lance's hometown of Austin, TX. The couple shared a ranch there and were said to be planning to live there together after their big day. [Yahoo]

That's an odd couple

Well, I guess her relationship with Bobcat was probably odder. --Melissa

"The Insider"'s Marc Malkin is breaking the news that funnyman Jay Mohr, host of "Last Comic Standing," has become engaged to Nikki Cox of NBC's hit series "Las Vegas."

A source tells Malkin that the two will have a winter wedding by the end of the year. A rep for Cox confirms the engagement but declined to give any further details. [Yahoo]

Cut the cake: STAT!

As far as Hollywood couples go, these two don't annoy me. He's that rare witty-cerebral mix of surprising talent from one so young. She's a pop star who's managed to cross over into film with taste and decorum. One wouldn't think they'd work out, yet they seem to. Plus, they get kudos for remaining normal and private.

Zach Braff and singer/actress Mandy Moore are reportedly heading for a wedding after the Scrubs star quietly asked her to marry him late last month. The couple are staying tight lipped about their plans, but Braff, 30, popped the question and presented Moore - his girlfriend for the past 18 months - with a $450,000, 4-carat princess-cut diamond-and-platinum Neil Lane engagement ring. Moore's past boyfriends have included tennis ace Andy Roddick and actor Wilmer Valderrama. Insiders tells America's In Touch magazine that the wedding is being scheduled for next April, when both stars celebrate their birthdays. [IMDB]

Wanna buy a bridge?

If Ms. Jolie seriously thinks we're buying this load of crap, she's got another thing coming:

Angelina Jolie has laughed off reports she's about to wed Brad Pitt in Europe - insisting she won't marry for a third time....She says: "We will never marry. Brad is going through a divorce and I've been divorced twice, so it's not something we're considering." [Ireland Online]

Right, She'll just let Brad adopy her kids, let them take his name, conceive a child with him -- but marrying!? God, no. That's just out of the question. Right. Ok. Sure.

It's OVAH! Part: Shot through the heart, and you're to blame, you give love a bad name.

I can't take all these break-ups. We're barely into February. And a distracting side note: how gorgeous is their daughter? --Melissa

Heather Locklear, 44, has filed for divorce from rocker Richie Sambora, 46. In a statement to Us, Locklear's publicist said, "After 11 years of marriage Heather Locklear has filed for divorce from Richie Sambora. This is a private matter and there will be no further comment at this time."

The couple wed in December 1994 and share a daughter, Ava Elizabeth, 8. Locklear, who most recently starred opposite Hilary Duff in the 2005 comedy The Perfect Man, was previously married to rock star Tommy Lee from May 1986 to August 1993. It was Bon Jovi guitarist Sambora's first marriage.

In December, Locklear denied there were problems in the marriage after rumors surfaced, telling Us that "everything is fine" and boasting that her husband had just given her a Lorraine Schwartz diamond necklace for their 11th anniversary. [Us Weekly]

Oh, but wait a minute, Melis... E! Online has nastily delicious details... too good not to be discussed... Check this out:

In the Daily News in December, reputed Sambora insiders unloaded on Locklear, saying the former Melrose Place vixen needed "24-hour-a-day [butt]-kissing," rejected her husband's wishes for a second child and annoyed his Bon Jovi bandmates.

"If Richie divorced her," an unnamed source told the newspaper, "nobody would be heartbroken."

Hiss....OOOh...damn, that's harsh. I can't wait for the tell-all articles and nasty autobiographies... Bring it on! --Joan.

And now there's this:

Heather Locklear announced Thursday evening that she had filed for divorce — but it was news to her husband, rocker Richie Sambora.

More than an hour after Locklear's publicist spread the word that their 11-year-marriage was kaput, the Bon Jovi guitarist told ABC News Radio in an exclusive interview that things were fine at home.

"It's completely untrue," he insisted, adding that he had Valentine's Day plans with his wife. [ABC News]