The 58th Annual Emmy Awards aired last night… It was a typical award show – some moments of cattiness, a few tears… Conan O’Brien hosted, and did a fine job – injecting some of his Late Night-like bits into the ceremony (locking Bob Newhart in a glass box with just enough air for three hours; if the show went over, Bob would have to perish; the podium-segway speech, and the announcement of the accountants of Price Waterhouse, which apparently now includes Kareem Abdul Jabaar). The red carpet wasn’t a spectacular show, but there were some noteworthy ensembles. So, Melis… let’s get to it ;)
BEST DRESSED FEMALEJoan: I really like Sarah Chalke’s dress. She looked polished and delicate. And I thought Evangeline Lily looked wonderful in her plum-colored Versace. But she could have done w/some jewels. I’ll never understand why some actresses don’t bother with that final touch.
Melissa: I still stand by Sandra Oh as being one of my best dressed. While I do agree that she went overboard with a few too many necklaces, I LOVED that dress. So delicate. Evangline Lilly was another of my best dressed. That color was divine on her, but some rich colored jewels on her ears or wrist would have been a nice touch. I thought Heidi Klum looked great given that she’s pretty much halfway through her pregnancy. Ryan Seacrest brought up the quote from Seal that came out last week about how he thinks she’s most beautiful when pregnant. Seal said yes especially since out of all the time he’s known Heidi, she’s been pregnant for most of that time. Seal said out of their 154 week relationship, she’s been preggo for 104 weeks. How he managed to pull up those numbers is beyond me. Looks like homeboy keeps count for some weird reason.
Joan: I know. Maybe Seal’s got some sick fetish or something. How she bounces back after each kid is a friggin’ wonder. She’s like the uber model or something.
BEST DRESSED MALE Joan: Crazy, I know… and on the scale of celebrity he ranks pretty low – but I have to say, Ryan Seacrest my vote for best dressed male. I just loved the white on white under the black.
Melissa: He’s an ass, but he did look good. No one guy stood out for me but I do remember thinking that Kevin Bacon looked pretty damn good even after all these years. Granted the red carpet interviews didn’t feature him but I saw him in one of the panning shots of the whole red carpet. Kyra Sedgewick, on the other hand, was another story in that long-ass gown that embodies where organza goes to die.
WORST DRESSED FEMALE 
Joan: Without a doubt, hands down, Candice Bergen. She looked so thick and unkempt in that skirt and blouse get-up. Just God awful.
Melissa: Agreed, doesn't she own a mirror. Or better yet, doesn't she have any friends?!?!
WORST DRESSED MALE Melissa: Worst dressed male goes to the Pivert [Jeremy Piven]. I hate that handkerchief-around-the-neck-but-underneath-the-shirt thing he had going. The rest of it looked fine, but when guys try to get creative with a suit, it usually backfires.
Joan: You nailed it, Melis. Pivs is my vote, too. He looked like he just rushed off the set of a Russ Meyer film and was due back at any moment to deliver the money shot. Oh, quite bad. Runner up to Pivs was Simon Cowell, who seriously needs to ditch the open-shirted stud routine. It’s not 1980 and you’re not Italian, Guido. Grow up.
Melissa: OH SHIT! I totally forgot about Simon! While Simon looked atrocious, the Pivert still has my worst dressed male vote. Reason being, Pivs has a chance of looking hot, Simon, not so much. God, who does he think he is?!?!??!?! With his shirt unbuttoned down to there with the chest hair sprouting…there are simply no words.
PAULA ABDUL IS HIGH Melissa: Homegirl was drunk or high or both
again. On the ABC coverage, dumbass Billy Bush asked Paula Abdul something about putting Simon and Dick Clark in the same category. Paula drunkenly laughed and said that Simon and Dick Clark should never be mentioned in the same sentence. Then on the E! coverage, Paula tells Ryan that someone just put Simon and Dick Clark in the same category and that they are nuts. Ryan goes on to continue the interview when Paula cuts him off and says that they just saw each other yesterday and why are they trying to be professional? She then goes on to walk off, and away she goes, right in the middle of Ryan’s sentence. It was hilarious! God, I love me some Paula.
Joan: I stared at the screen gape-mouthed. I don’t know why I figured she was gonna act normal. Maybe absence makes the heart grow tolerant. But she was slurring her words… and wobbling a little. I liked how Ryan asked “How are you feeling?” cause you never know from one minute to the next. Such a train wreck!
SIMON COWELL GETS BOOED Joan: Tee-hee. He comes out to talk up Dick Clark and gets a solid “Boo” from the audience. At first, he smiled. Then, he got pissed. Ahh, instant karma.
Melissa: Simon should just go back to having sex with himself. You know he’s one of those…he probably looks at himself in a mirror while he’s having sex.
Joan: Oh, Simon. Do it to me, Simon!
VIRGINIA MADSEN & HER 2 FRIENDS Melissa: Where did Virginia Madsen’s 2 friends come from all of a sudden??? Were they always there and she never showcased them before? Or are they new? Or did she get a lift to give them new life?!?? I was baffled. Girl looked like she was trying way too hard. For a woman that age, she needs to simma down now.
Joan: It would have been a pretty dress if those bazongas weren’t hanging out… it was such bad taste. Maybe she thought that since Pammy is too busy getting married in every American city, she had to fill in for her. I mean, I knew she was chesty before, but this was chesty times two.
STEWART & COLBERT RIPPING ON HOLLYWOOD Joan: I heart both of these guys. Stephen Colbert has a king kong sized pair. And if there are still some idiots out there that don’t know he’s ‘acting the part’ by now – get a life.
AARON SPELLING TRIBUTE: FAMILY SEATING Joan: Yeeeeesh. Can you say: AWKWARD???? The camera shot between Mrs. Spelling and brother to Tori and her new hubby, sitting as far away from each other as humanly possible. Mommy was bawling her eyes out, but Tori remained composed – must be the botox.
Melissa: I noticed this, too. Tori’s horndog hubby has some nerve, they disgust me.
AARON SPELLING TRIBUTE: CATTINESS BETWEEN JOAN COLLINS & HEATHER LOCKLEAR Joan: Gotta love Joan. Still a bitch after all these years – age hasn’t slowed her down. When Heather was taking a little too long w/her memories of Aaron spiel, Joan rolled her eyes. Then, when it was her turn at mic she brushed her costars away and took center stage. Heather and what’s his face giggled and nudged each other behind her back. Fab!
TYRA BANKS’ 50,000 DOLLAR DRESS Melissa: Tyra Banks’s $50,000 dress cost that much for what reason? It was probably one of the ugliest frocks there by far.
Joan: No shit. I don’t get it. It looked like a bunch of tinted saran wrap twirled around her body. And that stiff bow on the shoulder looked like something a first-grader would make in art class. Ick.
Melissa: The bow reminded me of the
hair bow from Project Runway last week. God, how I wished Tyra sported a hair bow to match…
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