Gimme the Gold, Bitch

Joan and Melissa wax poetic on this year's
Primetime Emmy nominations.
The ceremony airs this Sunday -- check your local listings :)

MELISSA: let's do this
JOAN: Outstanding Comedy Series
JOAN: oooh, this one's tough
JOAN: my gut reaction is the office.
but, entourage and rock are also contenders
JOAN: and ugly betty
MELISSA: i vote for the office, hands down.
i don't watch rock and got the first season of entourage
on DVD but haven't watched yet. i love ugly betty,
but it doesn't compare to the office.
JOAN: yeah, i'm thinking office. but watch, 2 1/2 men will win. wtf?
MELISSA: omg, if 2.5 men win, i'm gonna freakin' faint
JOAN: i don't know one person who watches that shit show
MELISSA: me neither, yet it's so damn popular

JOAN: ok. next category: Outstanding Drama Series
JOAN: house
MELISSA: i say House, but i'll bet Sopranos takes it since it ended
JOAN: god, please no
MELISSA: i know
JOAN: enough w/the fucking sopranos.
not to mention that let down of a finale.
MELISSA: but if it doesn't win now, it'll never win
JOAN: true. i hope they don't play that card.
MELISSA: but they will
MELISSA: they always do
JOAN: grey's doesn't stand a chance this year --
it's gotta be house.
MELISSA: sooooo over grey's
MELISSA: even tho i've never watched it!
JOAN: lol. it was good.
JOAN: i hope it gets good again

JOAN: what's next? ahh yes:
Outstanding Lead Actor In A Comedy Series
MELISSA: STEVE CARRELL
MELISSA: no ifs, ands, or buts
JOAN: it better be
MELISSA: i cannot wait for the new season
JOAN: if charlie fucking sheen wins, i'm losing my shit
MELISSA: don't even say it
JOAN: ricky gervais is a dark horse here --
since extras won't be returning.
MELISSA: but it's prolly got such a limited audience
JOAN: he's well-liked though, in the industry
JOAN: alec baldwin on the other hand...
MELISSA: god, i hate alec baldwin
JOAN: may have kissed it goodbye
when he called his daughter a little pig
MELISSA: true
JOAN: i like him on rock.
MELISSA: i don't watch that so...
JOAN: u need to watch. u will love.
MELISSA: but on anything else i've seen him in, hate him
JOAN: tina fey is amazing.
MELISSA: so annoying
MELISSA: love fey

MELISSA: ok, Outstanding Lead Actor In A Drama Series
JOAN: enough already w/keifer sutherland
JOAN: there are other actors
MELISSA: i want hugh laurie hands down
JOAN: i'm going anti-soprano and hope for hugh laurie, too
MELISSA: but again, with sopranos ending, i'm afraid it'll go to james
MELISSA: with the fucking nose whistle
JOAN: and the high voice.
JOAN: ugh.
JOAN: dennis leary might pull this one out... never know.
JOAN: i wouldn't be surprised
MELISSA: i've never seen rescue me, you?
JOAN: yes, it's actually pretty good.
MELISSA: really? peg loves it!
JOAN: i know. rightly so. it's good shit.
MELISSA: ha, well i'll be a monkey's uncle
JOAN: will ya now?
MELISSA: i so will
JOAN: let's skip miniseries
MELISSA: ya
JOAN: no one cares about that shit

MELISSA: Outstanding Lead Actress In A Comedy Series
JOAN: TINA FEY BETTER WIN
MELISSA: SO OVER DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
MELISSA: i'd love to see america pull it out
JOAN: god, no shit. i wouldn't know it was still
on if it didn't keep getting nominated.
MELISSA: but she won last year, no?
JOAN: i think so, yes. i remember the maria menunous incident
JOAN: lol
MELISSA: oh right
JOAN: dumb twat
MELISSA: douchebag
MELISSA: yeah, i'd love to see tina take this one
MELISSA: i think me and tina can hang
JOAN: weeds is getting so much hype though -- it might be MLP
MELISSA: i wanna see it so bad but i don't have HBO
JOAN: i'm not loving it.
MELISSA: you watch?
JOAN: i rented season
MELISSA: ah
JOAN: not impressed
MELISSA: no good?
MELISSA: i want to get the DVDs
JOAN: it has its moments
JOAN: but, it gets tired after a while.
MELISSA: interesting...

JOAN: so, that brings us to Outstanding Lead Actress In A Drama Series
JOAN: fucking sopranos bs again. edie falco has enough awards...
but i don't have any leanings in this category at all. i'm gonna say sally field --
based on body of work.
MELISSA: weirdly, patricia keeps winning this
category for the last few years, right?
MELISSA: no clue why since i don't know anyone who watches medium
MELISSA: but might pull it out again
JOAN: i saw one ep when i was in london
(so much american tv btw) and it was good.
MELISSA: NO!
JOAN: scouts honor
MELISSA: i'm gonna say minnie driver just for her role
of Lorraine Finster on Will & Grace
JOAN: lol. fair enough

JOAN: k, now the most important category on here
JOAN: Outstanding Reality-competition Program
MELISSA: oh shit, so much to choose from...
JOAN: idol!!!
MELISSA: it's between idol and project runway
JOAN: i love proj runway and dancing w/the stars
JOAN: but it's gotta be idol, right? can it not be?
MELISSA: it will be idol
MELISSA: no doubt
JOAN: phew!

JOAN: Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Comedy Series
JOAN: Pivs
MELISSA: DWIGHT
JOAN: but i'd like to see rainn wilson win
JOAN: lol
JOAN: def dwight
MELISSA: OMG dwight fucking kills me
JOAN: that ep with the beet farm -- omg.
JOAN: genius
JOAN: he really does deserve to win.
MELISSA: he does
MELISSA: the eppy with the penis flasher?
MELISSA: and the sketch is him
MELISSA: omg
JOAN: LOFL
JOAN: when he gets the faxes from future dwight
JOAN: lol
JOAN: good shit
MELISSA: so fuckinig good

JOAN: Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Drama Series
JOAN: wow, LOCKE
JOAN: i want locke... but i bet it's shat
MELISSA: LOCKE BETTER FUCKING WIN
JOAN: cause shat happens
JOAN: no no, it will be the heroes dude
MELISSA: hate shat
MELISSA: for reals yo
JOAN: LOVE SHAT
JOAN: stop
MELISSA: NO!
MELISSA: omg, nicole
JOAN: he's so hee-larious
MELISSA: what is going on today?!?!?
JOAN: LOL... I SWEAR
MELISSA: we are off
JOAN: he's so tongue in cheek.
JOAN: come on, shat rules.
MELISSA: no no
MELISSA: i can't
MELISSA: he doesn't
MELISSA: he's uber-anoying
MELISSA: annoying
MELISSA: i'm sorry
JOAN: accept the shat into your life.
MELISSA: i will not
JOAN: it will change you
MELISSA: it won't
JOAN: lol
JOAN: agree to disagree...
JOAN: but you're wrong.
MELISSA: yup, whale's vagina
JOAN: when in rome
MELISSA: lol

JOAN: Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Comedy Series
JOAN: PAM
MELISSA: YES!
MELISSA: she better win!
MELISSA: love her
JOAN: and if it's not Jenna Fischer... someone's goin' down.
JOAN: I really like Jamie Pressly though, she's a riot on Earl
MELISSA: if it's conchata (who?), all hell's breaking loose
JOAN: everyone's raving over vanessa williams.
MELISSA: she is good on ugly better
MELISSA: betty
MELISSA: plays her role extremely well
JOAN: eh, blow me. it better be pam.
MELISSA: ditto

MELISSA: Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Drama Series
JOAN: nods for grey's
JOAN: that could get ugly
MELISSA: i don't wany anyone to win here
JOAN: lol
MELISSA: fuck them all
JOAN: i'm gonna cxl out grey's altogether here --
bec they all had better seasons than last year.

JOAN: k, now this is my fave category...
and only because the intros before the nominees
are announced are so friggin funny:
Outstanding Variety, Music Or Comedy Series
JOAN: Obviously, my heart belongs to The Daily Show...
but I bet Colbert will take it this year... either way... i'm happy.
JOAN: any of these could win, and i'll be happy.
so glad leno's not nominated. conceited prick.
MELISSA: Hate LENO
MELISSA: with all my hearty
MELISSA: heart
MELISSA: so annoying
MELISSA: OMG, hands down, CONAN
MELISSA: no doubt
JOAN: really???
JOAN: not jon???
MELISSA: colbert annoys me in large doses
JOAN: NOOOOOOOO
MELISSA: i like jon too
JOAN: WHAT'S HAPPENING TO US?
MELISSA: but conan cracks ma ass up
MELISSA: I DON"T KNOW!
JOAN: I FEEL LIKE WE'RE SO FAR APART
JOAN: HOLD ME
MELISSA: I KNOW
MELISSA: :(
JOAN: lol
MELISSA: let's hug it out bitch
JOAN: lol
JOAN: hug it out bitch.

Click Here for a Full List of Emmy Nominees!

CONGRATS TO OUR FAB FRIEND JEN'S BROTHER,
JAMIE KELMAN,
WHO JUST WON AN EMMY FOR
MAKEUP DIRECTION ON HOUSE.
CONGRATS JAMIE!!!

HOT MESS at the VMAs

Ugh, Brit Brit opened the VMAs tonite, which apparently won't be reaired (hope you caught the hot mess's opening act). If not, you'll have to live vicariously through 2nd hand reports and catty blogs -- like this one.

Britney Spears kicked off the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards tonight (Sept. 9) in Las Vegas with a performance of her new song, "Gimme More," decked out in a sparkly bra and briefs, with knee-high black boots. It was the embattled Spears' first major public appearance in the run-up to the Nov. 13 release of her first Jive album in four years. [billboard]

Brit was looking a little chunky, uncomfortable, and very unsure of her footing on stage. It was obvious she was nervous. She also didn't sing a lick -- she chose instead to lipsync the entire song. Were it not for the bevy of back-up dancers, you would have been forced to pay attention to Brit's terrible dance moves (several times I think I actually caught her trying to remember which move came next). She's clearly out of practice or hopped up on something.

Kudos to Sarah Silverman, who came out just after Brit's 'performance' and had the guts to tear her a new asshole. LOL...

Didn't catch much of the red carpet, but how fab does Rihanna look???

It hasn't gotten any better

A few months ago we saw Mena sporting what could only be referred to as muppet hair. Now she's sporting this look...

Weirdest Cover of the Week

So, is she a captain? A stripper? A captain stripper? WTF is going on here??? Someone please explain.

Well, the cover may be oddly offputting -- but, don't let it scare you away from the article inside... Here's a peek at the crazy shit Nicole is revealing!!!

Kidman talks about how she miscarried Tom Cruise's baby when she was 23 and that she was briefly engaged to someone in between her divorce from Tom and her marriage to Keith Urban. "From the minute Tom and I were married, I wanted to have babies," says Nicole. "And we lost a baby early on, so that was really very traumatic. And that's when it came that we should adopt Bella (their now-14-year-old daughter)." After her split with Tom, Nicole reveals, "I got engaged to somebody, but it just wasn't right. I wasn't ready. We weren't ready." [instyle]

So who is the 'mystery man' she was engaged to? Rumor has it, it was Lenny Kravitz... Woo, you go girl. Just how in the hell did they keep that one a secret!?!?

I'M NOT OK WITH THIS...

You mean to tell me he couldn't have done better? A 28-yr-old who's been on Fear Factor??? Oh, George... say it ain't so!!!

He wants to hold your hand...

Holy S -- Sir Paul's gettin' busy...often.

Beatles' legend Paul McCartney has been keeping some rather ravishing company of late, hanging out on both sides of the pond with some of the world's most beautiful women. Single since his split from estranged wife Heather Mills last year, he's not lacked for female companionship. In just the latest in a series of sightings, this week he was spotted sharing an intimate conversation at a London event with Aussie beauties Elle Macpherson and Natalie Imbruglia...and gorgeous American singleton Renee Zellweger, who accompanied the singer to a concert in New York, before joining him for a candlelit dinner. [hello]

Someone needs a stylist...

WTF???

Labor Day Weddings...

In case you missed the headlines while you were enjoying the last 'real' day of summer... Labor Day 2007 was a popular time for gettin' hitched. Here are some pics from the nuptials that took place... Enjoy!

That's some gene pool....

Halle Berry's no dope... she wanted a kid and found the best possible DNA to spawn with. If the kid's ugly -- then that shit ain't right.

LOS ANGELES (AFP) — Oscar-winning actress Halle Berry is pregnant by her boyfriend model Gabriel Aubry, entertainment news show Access Hollywood reported.

Access Hollywood's Nancy O'Dell said that Berry, 41, informed her Tuesday in an e-mail that she is three months pregnant with her first child.

"Gabriel and I are beyond excited, and I've waited a long time for this moment in life. Now the next seven months will be the longest of my life," Berry said in the e-mail. [afp]

Curb your enthusiasm...

If you haven't been to the Kaufmann Concert Hall (part of the 92nd Street Y) in Manhattan yet, do yourself a favor and check out their site... It's a fabulous well-kept secret and wonderful little venue. You're sure to find something interesting to attend. I checked this out last night, and what a treat it was!

The audience was treated to a previewing of this Sunday night's premiere of Curb Your Enthusiasm. And let me tell you Curb fans out there, you will not be disappointed. It's a friggin' laugh fest. One of the best season premiere's I've seen in a long time.

Larry David is an Emmy-winning actor, writer, comedian, producer and film director. He created and stars in the hit HBO series Curb Your Enthusiasm, now in its sixth season. David was the co-creator, head writer and executive producer (as well as the voice of New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner) for the television series Seinfeld. Comedian and actress Susie Essman has garnered critical acclaim for her role as Susie Greene on Curb Your Enthusiasm. She is also the host of Bravo's reality TV show Better Halves.

Susie Green (Essman) interviewed real Larry, and TV Larry, for over an hour...revealing lots of neat inside stories and little-known Curb and Seinfeld facts. For instance, did you know that Larry wrote a screenplay called Ponce de Leon -- cause he was fascinated by how someone could be dumb enough to think there's a fountain of youth? Later, Ponce de Leon figured into a Seinfeld ep as a movie the cast went to see. Larry also admits that he chose the name Curb Your Enthusiasm for his show, because he hates enthusiastic people, and would like them to calm down. LOL.

Jeff Green (Garland) was in attendance and joined the duo on stage for the last 10 minutes. Joy Behar was there too... Looks exactly the same in person as she does on TV.

I managed to sneek a pic, but the staff was pretty militant about no picture taking.

RIP

Rest in Peace, Maestro...
May flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

MODENA, Italy (Reuters) - Thousands of mourners filed past the open coffin of Luciano Pavarotti in the cathedral of his Italian hometown on Friday, in an emotional farewell to the singer whose death prompted tributes from around the world....The imposing, bearded opera star, who died on Thursday of cancer at the age of 71, was dressed in a black tuxedo, hands folded on his stomach and holding a white handkerchief -- a favorite prop during his recitals -- and a rosary...."The world at your feet," read the headline in a local paper in Modena, the town where Pavarotti was born into a humble family -- his father a baker, his mother a cigar factory worker -- and which he never forgot despite his stardom." [reuters]

Brush with Brit Fame, Take 2

In Celebration is a pretty shitty play, by all accounts. But it's a moderate West End success thanks to its famous lead, Orlando Bloom.

Happened to be wandering around Covent Garden on 9/1, when I came upon a crowd of people standing outside the theatre, cameras in hands. Stuck around to catch a glimpse -- why not? When in Rome...

Sure enough, Bloom's ride dropped him off curbside. That's him above, sporting a ridiculous mustache and curly locks. He was too busy to get off his cell phone to shake some hands and sign some autographs. Turned around once to say "Hey Guys" then darted through the stage door. Seriously, I don't see what all the fuss is about... Now, Clooney, on the other hand... Well...
;)

UK ROYAL WATCH/CELEB SIGHTINGS...

On the 31st of August, I "attended" the memorial service to mark the 10th year since Princess Diana's death. The ceremony was held at the Wellington Barracks Chapel, just a stone's throw from Buckingham Palace. There was some controversy prior -- as this site was where Camilla had been married (the 1st time). A week prior to the service, the public protested Camilla's intent to attend the memorial. Just a day or two prior, Camilla decided to jet off on a solo vacation. Even though Charles and the boys had asked her to come. (The morning of the service, Charles made his way up the chapel entrance steps and was harassed by a single onlooker who yelled "Hypocrite!". He didn't flinch.)

Controversy aside, the venue stuck -- most likely because of its privacy and security factors. Many bobbies and armed soldiers were present. The one entrance to allow cars through was fully manned. Every few minutes a jaguar, Bentley or rolles would pass through the gates. Each car was fully outfitted with passengers wearing fabulous headdresses -- frilly and feathered hats. Only the Queen's posh ride was clearly identifiable. Once Queen Elizabeth and Phillip had arrived, we ran down to face opposite the chapel's entrance -- just a short distance -- and found ourselves the best vantage point, although obstructed through the gate bars.
The service, which was quite touching, lasted about an hour. It was broadcast over loud speakers to the several hundred making up the crowd of royal watchers. The weather had been chilly and overcast during the entire service -- until just at the end, when the Lord's Prayer was recited, the clouds parted and the sun shone warm and brilliantly bright. Coincidence? I think not.

The Queen and Prince Regent exited the chapel first. The princes stayed on, greeting each guest. Lovely boys, Harry and Wills, so adorable and respectful -- impeccably attired in their smart suits. The entire royal family was in attendance: Edward and Sophie (wearing a tan tweed number with a matching hat), Princess Anne and hubby, Fergie's and Andrew's two daughters. No Fergie though, as far as I could tell. And no Kate Middleton either. Not certain also if Harry's gf was there either.

Gordon Brown, the new PM, and Tony Blair, the old one, exited -- wives in tow. Followed shortly thereafter by Bryan Adams, Elton John & David Furnish. Not long after, the Princes departed -- waving to the crowd of onlookers. We strolled down the Mall a bit, taking a left at Buckingham Palace and encountered Richard Branson and wife along the way, as well as a solo Bryan Adams, whom no one made a fuss over -- thought he was looking for attention. Tragic really. Branson on the other hand was getting the rock star treatment -- signing autographs and taking pictures. One fan shook his hand, to which a passerby remarked: You might want to scrub up. LOL. Guess in some circles Branson is not well liked.

The day progressed with little fanfare. The service was rebroadcast on TV and all anyone could talk about was Harry's heartfelt speech. Overall, a fitting, low-key and respectful tribute to a woman we lost far too soon.

WHAT PASSES FOR NEWS IN BRITAIN

Have to share this observation:

The Brits love HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL. Why?
Was outside the Disney store across the street
from Bond Street tube today when we heard screaming
and a rush to the blocked doors. apparently,
The cast was inside doing a promotion.
Gary said: Look, it's george michael. And I almost
trampled every teen in sight to get a gander.
He as wrong. No george michael.

also, and this is weird...
the brits are calling on a ban of amy winehouse's album because
she's in rehab now.
um... don't they know that rehab builds careers in the US????
am very confused... they seem to love to report the various
mishaps of our silly little paris' and lindsays' --
but the minute amy does something just a little bit rock n roll,
they're boycotting her? i mean, would this have worked for keith richards?
no. he still needs a yearly blood transfusion to thin his circulatory
system of cocaine.

that's all for now. i'm sure i'll notice something else.

Ello, Ello....

Long time since I posty... have had puter issues. Sue me. Anyways, I'm in London and have found myself battling a nasty case of food poisoning. Taking it easy and staying in the hotel, which provides Internet access. Only good thing about being cooped up inside on a Saturday night is that I got t sample a bit of the tele...and got lucky. Here's my review of two popular shows, which you'll find bear a striking resemblance to two shows Melissa and I blog on about endlessly.

THE X FACTOR
A quasi-Idol show, where would-be singers (aged 15 to like 80) can tryout in front of 4 judges: Simon Cowell, Sharon Osbourne, Danni Minogue and some man whose nae escapes me. It's set up exactly like Idol, but the host is featured tons less. I guess this Brit has a lot less appeal than our Ryan. After the tryouts are finished, the contestants go to something called BOOTCAMP -- I have no idea what this entails... They've apparently been doing this for 4 years. I guess they like it. Overall, 2 thumbs up. Entertaining and just as cringe-worthy as the stateside version.

DANCE X
A psuedo-So You Think You Can Dance with a judge borrowed from Dancing with the Stars (Bruno). Really dreadful. I had to turn it off. I watched a 1/2 hour and it was all I could stand. The contestants are grouped in 2 groups of 5. They perform routines, choreographed by the two judges' teams of 3 professionals. With all that help, you think they'd have some talent. Nope. Awful. There's one host and after the groups dance and sing (yes, they sing, too) the judges rip them new assholes. I seriously hope we don't Americanize this show - it's one I can do without.

Lastly, the news here reports on Lindsay's and Nicole's comings and goings, too. Silly me, I thought those dopey broads and their ilk were mindless American obsessions. Oh, how wrong I was....

Ta for now. Cheers, yeah. See ya.