Something's going on...

June 2004:


June 2005:

You.Will.Never.Forget.

TomKat made another appearance at the Batman Begins premiere in LA the other day. Of all the photos of the premiere HERE, more than half are of TomKat and there are barely any of Christian Bale, who, um, actually.............plays BATMAN.

G'day, Mate... No, really... Relax, Mate.

If you've been following the news of late, then you're aware that Tom Cruise has lost his mind... Here's yet another Cruise-flying-off-the-handle incident, courtesy of IMDB...

"Tom Cruise displayed a darker persona during a recent interview with an Australian TV reporter when a journalist quizzed him about his relationship with ex-wife Nicole Kidman. The Top Gun hunk, who famously grins and giggles through tough questions, wasn't smiling when Peter Overton's probing questions "crossed a line". After berating Overton for poking fun at his chosen religion, Scientology, Cruise got serious when the reporter asked one too many questions about his family. When Overton posed, "Do you have a relationship where you talk... a parenting relationship and talk professionally about each other's work?" Cruise glared at his interviewer and stopped him dead in his tracks. The movie star said, "Listen, here's the thing, Peter, you're stepping over a line now... and you know you are." When Overton insisted he was only asking questions the public wanted to know, Cruise shot back, "Take responsibility for what you want to know... This is a conversation that I'm having with you right now. So I'm just telling you right now, OK, just put your manners back in." Overton was quick to apologize to his guest. "

Happy birthday, Joan!

72 years young!



72? IN DOG YEARS.... Jeezy Creezy, Melissa...could you find an older picture of me? I look like I'm being strangled by the 80s. What's the difference anyway...better this picture than one of me now... I am single-handedly keeping Botox in business. Can we talk? --Joan

Set those VCRs, DVRs, TiVos, whatever...

Tom Cruise on Leno tonight. Hopefully, for our entertainment, he will act insane. And perhaps pluck Katie from the backstage area?

Identify this pit-sniffer

Oh SNAP!

The words between Brooke Shields and Tom Cruise are heating up. Here's the latest from Brooke's mouth:

Actress Brooke Shields and Tom Cruise's ongoing feud has intensified - after the Suddenly Susan star mocked the16 year age-gap between the actor and his new girlfriend Katie Holmes. Cruise - who has helped people fight drug addictions through his controversial Scientology religion - recently attacked Shields for becoming dependant on anti-depressant Paxil, following the birth of her daughter Rowan. And Shields has continued her war of words against Cruise following his "dangerous" comments, by offering him a child ticket so he can take Holmes to see her in hit London musical Chicago. She says, "If he wants to see Chicago, I've left him two tickets - one adult, one child." The actress recently took a swipe at Cruise's religious beliefs, by saying she wouldn't take advice from someone who devotes his life to aliens. [IMDB]

She's pleading for your help...

If you're interested, you can order here.

You have to love good old fashioned American ingenuity...--Joan

Tom Cruise is crazy

First this:

May 29th--KATIE Holmes is not sporting a ring yet, but she is engaged to Tom Cruise. Just a month after the two started publicly canoodling to express their "love," Holmes packed her bags and moved in with the star and, pals say, she's accepted a marriage proposal. We also hear that Holmes, a Christian, is converting to Scientology. One pal said, "She had her initial meeting with Tom
at the Scientology Center in L.A., and she goes with him now a lot. She is converting." Holmes has also switched agents at the Creative Artists Agency - from her longtime rep to Cruise's rep. Cruise's sister/rep, Lee Anne DeVette, was traveling and didn't return calls. [Page Six]

Now this:

June 2nd--TOM Cruise continues to impose his Scientologist views on Katie Holmes. She was set to star in "Factory Girl," about doomed Andy Warhol protégé Edie Sedgwick. But Cruise told Holmes to nix it, insiders said. "Edie was in and out of mental institutions and on all sorts of psychotropic drugs," said our spy. "Tom doesn't believe in those drugs because of Scientology." Another insider said, "Tom didn't want her to take the role because it portrayed her as a victim and he said she should only take strong roles." Holmes' rep said: "Katie is not attached to that project." [Page Six]

George Carlin put it best: "A CRAZY PERSON DOESN'T REALLY LOSE HIS MIND. IT JUST BECOMES SOMETHING MORE ENTERTAINING." Ain't that the truth.

Calling all John Hughes Fans...

All of you Breakfast Club fans...listen up. In case you haven't heard, here's the scoop...courtesy of IMDB.com:

"The stars of cult 1980s movie The Breakfast Club are set to reunite at the upcoming 2005 MTV Movie Awards this weekend. Molly Ringwald, Ally Sheedy, Judd Nelson and Anthony Michael Hall have agreed to reunite for the awards show at the Shrine Auditorium. Emilio Estevez wasn't confirmed for the Movie Awards get together as we went to press. Meanwhile, pop punks Yellowcard will perform Simple Minds' hit single "Don't You Forget About Me," which was the theme from the 1985 John Hughes movie. Mariah Carey and Eminem are also scheduled to perform at the show. Rockers Nine Inch Nails pulled out of a performance last week over a disagreement about a President George W. Bush backdrop they intended to use for their set."

What's Emilio's deal? I think we can all agree, Hall's career is more happening than his at the moment. -- Joan.

Note: Kudos to NIN.

411Mania.com lends the scoop:

"As Reznor stated on the band's website: "Nine Inch Nails will not be performing at the MTV Movie Awards as previously announced. We were set to perform 'The Hand That Feeds' with an unmolested, straightforward image of George W. Bush as the backdrop. Apparently the image of our president is as offensive to MTV as it is to me.'"

There goes MTV's rep as being cutting edge and a voice for the youth. Nice going. Really.
--Joan.

Why am I not shocked?

Angelina Jolie is a sex maniac? Nooooo. You have to be kidding me. Sure, she's cleaned up her act. But everyone must remember the cutting-herself-during-sex/wearing-billy-bob's-blood-in-a-vile-around-her-neck days, right? Come on... it's not that long ago. I have shoes older than her divorce papers. So, really, this news from IMDB.com should come as no surprise:

"Angelina Jolie dumbfounded Mr. And Mrs. Smith director Doug Liman with her eagerness to make sex scenes in the movie as eye-watering as possible. Liman instructed the sexy 29-year-old to perform the kinkiest sex acts he could think of, just to shock her - but none of his suggestions were new to the saucy star. He says, "I suggested she should perform the most graphic, crazy sex act I could imagine for the love scene just to try to shock her. Like 10 steps beyond anything I'd consider doing in my own life. She starts furrowing her brows. I'm like, 'Oh, never heard of that one?' She's like, 'No, actually I'm just trying to figure out whether I've done that one.'"

Now, I ask you...does anyone believe Pitt and Jolie didn't...you know...do I have to spell everything out for you? --Joan.

Oh god, you know they effed.--Melissa

What were the odds...

...of her finding, dating and marrying a man who shares her name? Is this shit for real? And what crazy bastard would marry her...? More from Hollywood.com:

"Heiress Paris Hilton has got engaged to her Greek shipping heir boyfriend of eight months, Paris Latsis.

Latsis, 27, proposed to Hilton, 24, on May 25 after she returned from a three-week trip to Europe to promote her new movie House of Wax--and they marked the engagement on May 29 with a barbecue for 75 friends at their Hollywood home."

Paris is quoted as saying: "I'm happy to have found someone to spend the rest of my life with." Hmm. If you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you. --Joan

Katie Starts Damage Control

...when she must clearly realize, she got robbed... Who wants the crazy "old" Tom Cruise...when you could have had the pre-flip-out Tom? This from Hollywood.com:

"Actress Katie Holmes has angrily hit out at accusations her burgeoning romance with Tom Cruise is a publicity stunt....Holmes is hurt by the criticism, insisting she is genuinely in love with the hunky actor. She says, "I couldn't be happier. I'm so happy. He's the most amazing man in the whole world.""

Well, she has to say that...what else is she going to say? Ride that gravy train, girl! Ride it hard! --Joan.

14:59 Minutes and Counting...

From Walter Scott's Personality Parade(R) in the 5/29 issue of Parade Magazine:

"Q: I was disappointed when my favorite American Idol, Mikalah Gordon, didn't make the Top 10. Does the 17-year-old have any plans for a music career?--Ren Smith, Brooklyn NY.

A: She has plenty of plans, but with her weak voice, we don't expect her to go very far as a singer."

OOOOOOOh, harsh...and so very true. ;) --Joan.

HA! Joan HATES Mikalah! --Melissa

Someone Got Their Christmas Goose Early

From this week's installment of What-da-Fuck? comes, Christian Slater's involvement in a groping incident. Now, Slater has a new film coming out soon...but, surely, this is stooping to an all-new level for beefing up publicity pre-premiere. This from Reuters:

"Slater, 35, was accused of groping the woman, a stranger, at a small store after he was seen arguing with his girlfriend, prosecutors said. The victim called police and identified the actor, who was arrested shortly after 2 a.m. in Manhattan's Upper East Side, they said.

"The victim, a stranger, was at a bodega buying a soda when he grabbed and squeezed her buttocks. His girlfriend yelled 'Stop. What are you doing?' The defendant walked away," said assistant district attorney Vanessa Puzio at Slater's bail hearing.

Local media reported that Slater, who is appearing on Broadway in "The Glass Menagerie," appeared intoxicated."

Read the rest and decide for yourself here:
http://today.reuters.com/news/newsArticle.aspx?type=peopleNews&storyID=2005-05-31T234651Z_01_PUZIO-SAID-SLAT_RTRIDST_0_PEOPLE-CRIME-SLATER-DC.XML

It's official...He's lost his mind!

And no, we're not talking about Dave Chappelle. Between his recent Oprah appearance, to his lip-locking Katie every chance he gets, Tom Cruise is clearly off the handle lately. Now comes this, from the NY Daily News:

"...in an exclusive interview to be aired Thursday on "Access Hollywood," Cruise tells host Billy Bush that Shields was misguided when she took the anti-depressant Paxil to fight her depression after giving birth to daughter Rowan - which Shields recounts in her memoir, "Down Came the Rain"

Cruise, who zealously preaches the Church of Scientology's hatred of all mind-altering drugs, tells Bush: "Here is a woman, and I care about Brooke Shields because I think she is an incredibly talented woman. You look at, where has her career gone?'"

and more....

""These drugs are dangerous. I have actually helped people come off," Cruise maintains to Bush. "When you talk about postpartum, you can take people today, women, and what you do is you use vitamins. There is a hormonal thing that is going on, scientifically, you can prove that. But when you talk about emotional, chemical imbalances in people, there is no science behind that. You can use vitamins to help a woman through those things.""

Hmm, judging from Cruise's recent behavior, he might benefit from some medication. But, to Sheilds' credit, her statement comes off the AP:

"Brooke said that she is disgusted by Tom's comments, which she labeled "dangerous." She also poked fun at Cruise, saying that she "wouldn't take advice from someone who devotes his life to creatures from outer space.""

Fabulous, Brooke! You go, girl! --Joan

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/gossip/story/312036p-266946c.html

I love how Brooke so blatantly put it out there that the Scientologists believe in and are ruled by a space monkey! --Melissa

So good, it needs to be served on a silver platter

Go here and click on "Constantine Takes a Fall" for the full-length, larger size with audio version.

It's been grand, folks

Joan: Well, "it's over, Johnny." And what a finale it was. I have to say, I didn't realize how much I wanted Carrie to win until that final moment. She just looked like she wanted/needed it so bad... And Bo, Bo's so laid back... Not to mention Clive Davis wants to sign him ASAP...so, he'll probably wind up having a better career and be able to explore his true potential without the American Idol people getting all up in his business. So...overall...I'm happy with the results. Melis?

Melissa: You are totally right. I was disappointed that Bo didn't win. He is just so gracious and seems so nice. But yes, I hadn't thought of it the way you stated above, without the American Idol contract, he will be a lot freer in taking his music in the direction he wants it to go. And yes, Clive Davis did want to sign him up and even Randy said it a few times that he would love to produce Bo's album and work with him on stuff. Carrie will put out the LeAnn Rimes-type CD but I don't think she'll have the fame that Kelly Clarkson and Clay have. I think she'll disappear into the woodwork like Ruben and Fantasia. Oh well. What do you think, Joan?

Joan: Bo will be just fine. In fact, I have a feeling he will maintain longevity. Especially if he's able to keep that down-home-grown feel. Carrie, I think she may do very well…if they market her like Faith Hill, she may be able to crossover into the mainstream. I think she will do much, much better than Fantasia. Plus, she's adorable...I see her getting snapped up for make-up endorsements and oodles of other spots. I tend to agree with Simon when he says, she's the most marketable one yet. I will say this much for the finale though... WHO'S THE IDIOT WHO GAVE MICKALAH A MIC!!??

Melissa: If Carrie can achieve the Shania Twain, LeAnn Rimes, Faith Hill crossover, then she may be fine as far as radio-play goes. But unfortunately she'll never become a Martina McBride or Loretta Lynn, Bonnie Raitt-type performer. But yes, she is cute so I can also see her doing endorsements for Noxzema or something and appearing in Seventeen Magazine. Bo may achieve longevity, especially if he collaborates with rock 'n' roll greats. It'll be interesting to see where each of their careers go! I'm very curious to hear Bo's original stuff.

Joan: See, now, I don't know if I wanna hear his original stuff. I'm so used to the covers. But I have a feeling it's better than Constantine's crappy-ass "Pray For the Soul of Betty" material. He, btw, was God-awful on the rendition of "Walk This Way." I heard that Steven Tyler and Joe Perry started freebasing again after hearing that cover. Whoof. Let's just say: The right rocker was picked to reach the finals. [Note: All comments made by Joan are meant to be offensive on every level, but in no way are shared by management and the people associated with blah-di-blah-di-blah.]

Melissa: Nice cover, Joan. Yeah, Constantine does and continues to embarrass himself any chance he gets. And I do not, in any way, shape, or form, want to hear his "Pray for the Soul of Betty" bullshit. The right rocker did advance to the end. Can I get an Amen??!!?! I do want to hear Bo's original stuff. Thing is, if he only did covers, what kind of artist would he be? People would lose interest after a while and I don't think Bo's own personal conscience would be happy just doing covers. He is in a band and I think they do original stuff in addition to covers. And LOFL at Mickalah doing the red carpet interviews. Holy smokes, someone put a muzzle on that girl!

Joan: Good point. I'm sure he's chomping at the bit to do his own stuff. Well, one good thing did come of this... Mickalah didn't win. Phew! Well... so ends another year of American Idol. Will we be able to wait until January? Only time will tell...

Joan & Melissa--OUT!

And this is from USAToday.com. It echoes my thoughts to a tee. --Melissa

As for Idol, like someone mentioned in my chat yesterday, maybe it's for the best that Bo Bice isn't tied down to watery songs and a potentially suffocating record deal. Whoever these Carrie Underwood fans are, I hope they enjoy her. Personally, I can't say her name without letting out a little yawn.

He may be insane and full of himself...

...but he's hot.

SO DELICIOUS, ya gotta love life for shit like this

[Gallery of the Absurd: Gossip Fueled Art]

Is that what this is all about...?

Can this be the reason Tom and Katie are inseperable? It's not unheard of for Hollywood agents and studios to cook-up a little romance to sell a film... This from IMDB:

"Holmes Set for 'Mission: Impossible 3'?

Dating Tom Cruise is starting to pay off for Katie Holmes, if internet reports are to be believed - she's set to steal a Mission: Impossible 3 role from Lindsay Lohan. According to website Ananova.Com, Holmes has become the hot favorite to replace Scarlett Johansson as Cruise's love interest in the action movie sequel. Holmes and Lohan aren't the only girls in contention for the two parts left vacant by Johansson and Carrie Anne Moss' departure from the project - Keri Russell and Elisha Cuthbert are also reportedly in the running."

I'm Not Crazy, Bitch!

Poor, Chappelle. Looks like after his stint in the South African facility, he'll be taking some much needed rest. This from Hollywood.com:

"But the funnyman insisted he was just "stressed out" and needed a break.

Now, Chappelle has returned to his hometown of Yellow Springs, but his agent Matt Labov insists there's still no signs that he'll return to making his show and he has been told not to book any live performances."

Read the rest here:
http://www.hollywood.com/news/detail/article/2440868

The Power Of Xenu Had Him in Its Grasp...

...that's the only explanation for Tom Cruise's bizarre behavior on this week's Oprah spot. If you didn't think the relationship between him and Katie Holmes was strange before, you will certainly think so now. Nuray, ahem...Melissa...dished it out on her Sister-Blog, Celebirity... go here to read the post:
http://celebirity.blogspot.com/2005/05/crap-should-have-dvred-this.html#comments

and this from ContactMusic...

"Smitten TOM CRUISE forced his new love KATIE HOLMES to run away from him when he tried to convince her to meet OPRAH WINFREY on a recent taping of the daytime show.

After declaring his love for his new lady and fielding questions about a possible marriage, Cruise headed backstage to persuade the shy actress to come and sit with him on the show, stating, "She's freaking out. I'll go and get her".

But Holmes wasn't worried about facing the audience and TV cameras with her new beau - she's a massive fan of Oprah's and couldn't face meeting her heroine on live TV.

As cameras followed Cruise backstage, his new girlfriend ran away from him.

The Cruise interview airs on the Oprah show on Monday (23MAY05)."

The showdown has arrived...

Joan: Well, Meliss... it's finally coming to a close. It seems like just yesterday we were ranting and raving over Scott's mysterious appeal, Nadia's terrible Mohawk and Anthony's Clay-like resemblance. But, all good things must come to an end. Just one final performance night to critique: What were your thoughts on last night?

Melissa: I thought Carrie rocked it really well on the second song, I think it was a Martina McBride song? And the on the last one, she really displayed her vocal skills. But I've said it before, country just does not appeal to me and although I can recognize her talent, I have no interest in the genre she will be cultivated in when she puts an album out. Bo did really well too. The first song was a snooze-fest but he really redeemed himself on the second and third songs. It seems to be a pretty equal split among them so it'll be interesting to see who wins it tonight. I'm hoping for Bo, but both will undoubtedly get record deals for sure. What did you think, Joan?

Joan: It was very clear they were nervous... It showed in each performance. I've always thought the venue change for that last night is too much for them to handle. More people, different room, different acoustics – plus the stress of it being the last competition. Overall, they redeemed themselves in the end and did equally well. I was surprised that Simon said Carrie had a chance of winning. I just see this going to Bo, regardless of my own wishes. But, what I like about these two is that they are not competing style-wise and can therefore have equally successful careers. She'll do her thing; he'll do his. And there will be no back biting involved. Overall, I'm happy with any result.

Melissa: Yeah, really good observation. They are doing totally different styles so they will make different albums to appeal to various people, no competition in record sales. I alway thought Carrie had a chance of winning, she's very talented and both Bo and her are equally appealing. Both have decent star quality and likeability, unlike that idiot Scott! So it’s a two-hour finale tonight. Talk about stretching it out... Isn’t the AI finale competing with the Lost finale?

Joan: 2 HOURS!!! Jeezy Creezy. I had no idea. I'm going to have to tape Lost. Crap-o-la. They could have done an hour, that would have been plenty. What are they going to do for two hours????

Melissa: SQUEEEEEZE the AI sponge for all it's worth. Not necessary but not surprising either. I've never seen Lost before but I know the premise and was listening to some tidbits on the radio this morning, so I will tape it. I can get backstories from you later cause I know you watch. Seems like an awesome show from what I've seen and heard. Well, Joan, looks like after tonight we'll have to find other stuff to dish on. Till tomorrow, when we reconvene to discuss the results!

This is it...

Tonight is the finale, folks. Personally, my vote is for Bo.
--Melissa

Generally, I'd be pleased either way... but I think I want Carrie to win. Sorry Bo. :( Who am I kidding... he's winning anyhow. --Joan

Good-bye Ukrainian sensation

Joan: Melissa, Melissa, Melissa…it finally went down like it should have all the while. Ding Dong the Nerd is Gone!!! Thoughts, comments...ventings?

Melissa: It was sorta, kinda touching while Anthony was performing and Carrie was crying and then she mouthed that she loves him to him. Interesting....wonder what the deal with that is. Otherwise, yes, it did work out the way it should. Although now there's no question that Vonzell will go next week leaving Bo and Carrie for the final two. Performance-wise, Bo kicked ass on both songs Tuesday night, although the first one was a little boring and slow as Simon said. I wonder what happened to Vonzell when she said she had a rough day and then started crying. I did like Anthony’s rendition of "If You Don't Know Me By Now" way better than Carrie's. And I have to admit, I did enjoy "Sin Wagon."

Joan: I have a feeling there's something more to the Vonzell thing that just nerves. I bet she got some bad news just before show time... something. Usually, she's so commanding of the stage and comfortable up there. But she was so nervous during that first number, it was palpable. And Simon was right, her last number was manic. But good. I'd like her to win... but you're right. She is going next week. In that case, I'd like Carrie to win... but wouldn't mind Bo either. Overall, I'm happy withthe top three. I was totally pissed at Anthony and whoever is back there giving the song-choice OK – for letting him sing the same song as Carrie. I hate that crap. With all the songs to choose, they could have come to a compromise. Sheesh. Really poor organization on the producers' parts.

Melissa: I don't like it either when performers do the same song. That should be a rule, once you do a song or another performer picks it, then you can't do it on the same night or even the same season. It's kinda like cheating in my book. Yeah, I'll bet Vonzell got some bad news or something. The catty gossiper in me was so hoping they would say what it was but unfortunately they didn't. It was so obvious that they wanted the audience to know that something was up with Vonzell when Paula asked her how she was feeling that day and then Vonzell broke down with the crying. Seems a little too planned out like, here's why she may have sucked, folks. But either way, she's still a talented performer so it's not like she needs excuses or is getting a free ride by any means.

Joan: Course, that sympathy card could have worked for Vonzell... since Anthony wasn't actually terrible the night before. And you're right... Paula asking did seem contrived. I really wanna smack Paula sometimes. She cannot speak... spit it out already! I think, maybe, next year they need some new judges. They can leave Simon... but get rid of Randy and Paula. It's getting tired. I heard they might let former winners be judges...which I don't care for. They need to be industry people... with years of experience. I caught Corey Clark on the Howard Stern show... and if anyone thinks he was telling the truth, all they need to do is watch the re-cap on E! – he's a complete con artist.

Melissa: Oh I'm sure the weeping did work, especially coupled with her shout-out to her Daddy every two seconds! Anthony didn't have any tuggers at the heart-strings going for him. I also find Paula very annoying, especially since she's so spaced out all the time and tries to cover up any criticisms she may have and sugar coat them. And Randy with the "Yo, dawg." It's old and O-VA! Corey Clark was supposed to be on a radio station here this morning but I got to work before he was scheduled to call in. But the DJs were playing his new song called, get this, what a freakin' freeloading, cashing-in bastard, "Paulatics." Like politics, 'cept not. Here are some lyrics from it: "Your possibilities have gone to the top/And if you breathe a word you will be dropped/Your personality at first seemed to be so sweet/But then I saw the you that they'll never show on TV." He is a total con-artist and it's so obvious. There's no reason why he should have ever come out with this allegations, even if they are true. It's not like he got kicked off for reasons having to do with his supposed relationship with Paula, he got kicked off cause he's a thug and held back info from the producers. It's plain to see he needs the publicity.

Joan: Well, I think he's on his 14th minute. Hopefully, we won't have to hear from him too much longer. Everyone's on the take – it makes me sick. Well, Meliss... that's another week's wrap-up... only 2 more left? Can it be??? Say it ain't so!

Melissa: Yup, only 2 weeks to go. I'll be on the edge of my seat till the end, fo' sho'! And I'll actually be in town for next week's show so we'll able to dish face to face! :)

These just in...

JEEZY CREEZY, DOES HE EVER TAKE OFF THAT GODDAMN HAT??? AT LEAST BUY A WHITE ONE FOR THE OCCASION! And she's worn prettier dresses for the Oscars! --Joan.

I wonder... (Part 2)

...if at first she thought, what the fuck?



Oh, no. No. She looks like Sinead... which isn't bad, necessarily. But... Well... at least her head's not misshapen. --Joan

I wonder...

...if these two woke up this morning and thought, What the fuck?

ET has confirmed that Oscar®-winning actress Renee Zellwger and country star Kenny Chesney have tied the knot! The surprising couple were married on Monday on the beautiful island of St. John in the U.S. Virgin Islands, where the singer has a home. In a short, 15-minute ceremony performed by a female preacher in front of a small group of family and friends, the bride wore Carolina Herrera, one of her favorite designers, while the groom was reportedly barefoot. Both laughed and cried during the ceremony.

The happy couple met at the Concert of Hope tsunami relief effort on January 15 and maintained a quiet friendship that quickly blossomed. Fans first learned of their romance when Renee reportedly brought a margarita up on stage to Kenny during his show in Jacksonville, FL. They were said to have shared an onstage kiss, and were later spotted three days later having Chinese food at a restaurant near his hometown of Franklin, TN. Renee is a bit of a country girl herself, hailing from Katy, TX. In an interview, Kenny once said he thought Renee was sexy.

The marriage is a first for both stars, although the 37-year-old Kenny reportedly broke off an engagement to another woman in 1999, three weeks before the wedding. Prior to marrying Kenny, Renee dated White Stripes singer Jack White and her 'Me, Myself & Irene' co-star Jim Carrey. A spokesperson for Renee had no comment about the proceedings.

There won't be much of a honeymoon for the celeb couple -- Chesney's next concert is Thursday night in Little Rock, AR. [Yahoo]

I give it 4 months, tops! -- Joan.

I say 8 months. -- Melissa

Sing us a song...

Very funny and talented Michael Ian Black has written a piece for McSweeney's about what goes through Billy Joel's head while he's on the way to a party... Will the guests ask him to sing Piano Man? And how will he get out of it...? Here's a taste:

"I'm not doing it. I'm just not. I know I say the same thing every year, but this time I mean it--I am not playing it this year. Seriously, how many times can I possibly be expected to play that stupid song? I bet if you counted the number of times I've played it over the years, it probably adds up to, like, a jillion. I'm not even exaggerating. One jillion times. Well, not this year."

Read the rest here: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2005/4/27black.html

You won't be disappointed. LOL. ;) --Joan and Melissa.

It was at this moment...

Katie knew she had contracted something... Perhaps the spirit of Xenu entered her chaste body. Is she strong enough to fight off the powers of Scientology, especially when it is being channeled through the uber-force that is the toothy Tom Cruise?

Pensive and distracted, Katie continues to play the role she was chosen for: Tom's lady friend, arm candy, no longer Joey from Dawson's Creek but not yet a woman either. Where is this world heading?

"Don't worry, those stars I gave you have healing powers, Katie."

Heal this.

Don't let the door hit you on the ass

Melissa: OK, Joan, looks like our prayers were answered FINALLY. Scott is out, and his ass on its way to Ohio, along with his smug face and thin-ass beard. They can have his ass and let's hope he stays there. How smug was he on Tuesday night's show? But first, did you catch the Primetime Special: Fallen Idol? Ho-hum. BO-RING! That whole hour show was based on about 5 minutes of news that they could have just mentioned on the news that night. That Corey Clark is a thug and a half and him and Scott should be banished to some Thug Island where they can "know what I'm sayin'" each other to the death. Your thoughts, Joan?

Joan: Yes, it was a big week in AI history. The boil on the ass of AI was finally lanced and sent to Ohio a' packin'. Thank God! I loved how Ryan sent the bottom 2 to the couch...and Scott thought he was safe and acted all smug and arrogant. Fab! Really, couldn't have been handled better. As for the Primetime special...1/2 way thru, I fell asleep. That's how boring it was. Like you said, it was essentially 5 minutes of info, stretched over an hour. Anyone who believes this idiot isn't on the take is a fool. He shuts up for 2 years about it then, when his CD is ready to come out, he starts speaking??? Yeah, not at all opportunistic. What complete and total crap. Besides, Paula's been too drugged to pull any of that shit off. LOL.

Melissa: Oh man, it was so delicious when Scott said "Wow, wow, wow" on his way to the couch! I knew the second Ryan said that Vonzell was to stay put on the stage and then sent Anthony and Scott to the couch and Bo and Carrie remained on the stage. Loved it! Now, if we can just banish Anthony next week then the real contest starts. Vonzell will probably go after than leaving Bo and Carrie as the last two. Back to Corey Clark, he's an asshole. I just want to slap him upside the head. What a freakin' smug bastard. I know, it's all a ploy to get publicity now that his CD is coming out and he knows no one is gonna buy that shit, know what I'm sayin'? And he's got the nerve to say, when the reporter asked him if he feels bad coming out with all this stuff now and why he wants to come out with it, that he needs to relieve himself of the baggage and clear his conscious and that he never asked for this and that Paula kept sending him her number until he finally broke down and called her, thus starting the events that supposedly happened between them. That's a mad run-on sentence, yo, know what I'm sayin'? Back to Scott, I relished in the facial expression of shock he had last night. AND on top of that, they cut his song in half at the end. Not like they haven't done that before, but with Scott, it was particularly satisfying.

Joan: I have a feeling this Corey Clark thing will disappear shortly. And I hope Paula and AI sue his ass. I really can't believe Primetime devoted a full hour to that crap. Amazing what we will settle for news these days. Well…I think you're right. As much as I like Vonzell, I don't think she'll make it to the top two. I'm still not sure Anthony will go next week. This has been a very weird season. So, the best I can do is keep my fingers crossed that Anthony gets the boot next week. As far as who will win...it's anyone's guess. Melissa?

Melissa: You're right, it'll be pretty iffy when it comes down to who goes between Von and Anthony. All's I know is that Bo and Carrie will be the final two. Thinking back on it, isn't it some crazy shit that Scott lasted this long? I mean, he really isn't amazing. Same thing with Anthony, nothing spectacular or unbelievable about him either. About the Primetime thing, it's May sweeps and they've been hawking the show for the last week like it's goin' out of style. A lot of people watched it, or at least parts of it, so their mission was accomplished. Corey will disappear and I highly doubt Paula will get fired, like they were originally saying. Well, looking forward to the next three weeks, Joan.

J & M Picks for AI

Tune in tomorrow for a full wrap-up. Till then, sate yourselves with our picks for the results show:

Joan: My picks for the bottom three tonight:
Carrie, Vonzell and Scott.
Scott will be safe. So will Carrie. And Vonzell will be voted off.
Because that's THE SICK BIZARRO WORLD WE LIVE IN!!!

Melissa: Man, if Anthony doesn't go, then I don't even know what to say. We all know Scott's freakin' safe. Vonzell is good, plus she's got tons of potential. Put her in a studio, tweak the voice and music, and it'll be good. Plus she's cute. Carrie is talented naturally. Bo is great, real talent. Scott and Anthony, ARGH!!! I hate those mofos.

:)

This is the kind of trouble too much sucking face can get y'all in...

I found these pics on a celebrity photo forum. According to whomever posted it: "After returning from her romantic rendezvous with Tom Cruise in Italy, Katie goes shopping in Hollywood with some pretty gross marks around her mouth."

Beats me. All's I know is that this is some nasty shizz. --Melissa

Oh, man...I'd put some Abbrevix on that sh!t. Nast-ay.--Joan


Courtesy of Defamer

Does anyone else smell a publicity stunt?

I've never seen this much public making out and cuddling as I have in the last few days since this union broke into the news. Usually celebrities are caught making out and cuddling through paparazzi photos but these two are making out on the red carpet and wherever they are making appearances together, see here and here. --Melissa





And this we do not need to see:


Well, you know Melissa, rumors have always dogged Tom... Most of his relationships have been deemed publicity stunts. Frankly, I'm not sure I believe the rumors. They just don't make sense. But, just how did these two meet? Was it on set? And if so, I think we have our answer. --Joan.

Too freakin' kool fo' skool

Are they OR aren't they?

What's the real scoop here? Jolie has always been overly affectionate for the camera in the past...so why should this picture cause such a flurry of suspicion? The timing, for one. It followed hard upon the news that Brad and Jen's marriage dissolved. But Aniston made a recent statement stating that her inability to deal with Brad's fame was the dealbreaker. Odd, no? Considering her enormous fame. Hollywood, as we all know, is incestuous...I wouldn't doubt for a minute these two are halfway to the alter as we speak. Tell you this much -- they'd make uber-babies. Melissa?
--Joan

It's true, if these two spawned, the children would be gorgeous. I don't believe that Jen was so insecure with his fame that that was what caused the break-up. It's gotta be more than that. I've heard Brad just wants to settle down and have kids and Jennifer's career is going along, even with Friends over, she's got movie deals so supposedly she doesn't want to stop and get preggers and risk losing the momentum. Brad, on the other hand, can disappear and re-emerge years later and people would want to see him in a movie. --Melissa

Now, these two know fashion...

Don't let the picture fool you... Stacy and Clinton of TLC's WHAT NOT TO WEAR, (the American version of the BBC hit show) know fashion inside out. If you haven't caught the fab show on TLC -- do... you won't be disappointed. --Joan

Having the most gorgeous genes helps...

Becks has come out and is revealing how he stays beautiful. Seems real high maintenance. But then again, he's got an amazing blank slate to begin with. It ain't like you can be a joe schmoe and do all that he does and end up looking like this:




David Beckham has revealed details of his beauty regime - including moisturising, eye cream and manicures. The Real Madrid star came clean after being voted the world's Most Beautiful Sports Icon by America's People magazine. Beckham is the only British sports star in the annual 50 Most Beautiful People poll.

He admitted to taking tips from wife Victoria, who is equally obsessed with looking good. Beckham, 30 next month, said: "I've learned a lot. Being out in the cold and rain doesn't help your skin, so moisturiser in the morning is a big thing. "And at night it's the eye cream. A manicure is probably my favourite pampering splurge."

He also denies his wife's infamous suggestion that he wears her G-strings. "I wouldn't get them past my knees," he said.

Last year, Victoria Beckham revealed she smothers beauty creams on her husband at bedtime. She said: "David is very much a new man, totally in touch with his feminine side. He loves having his face and nails done." He also plucks his eyebrows and has spray-on tans, and famously wore pink nail polish at the christening of Elizabeth Hurley's son Damian. Beckham is said to favour La Prairie eye cream, which costs more than £50 for 15ml. The footballer also regularly changes his hairstyle and says his biggest regret was when a dye temporarily left it black.

The England captain also boasts that his wife says his best feature is his bottom. "She likes it because it's firm," he said. However, Beckham told the magazine he doesn't like the look of his feet. [ThisisLondon.com]

His hotness makes me dumb with dizziness. If ever there was a case for stem cell research and human cloning, Becks is it. Yum. --Joan

Are they kidding with this guy?

I gotta tell you, Melissa... The guy they replaced us with on E!'s Fashion Police sucks ass. He knows fashion like Mariah Carey knows sanity. Plus, they paired him with Kathy Griffin...I wonder whose genius idea this was. If they tried to find two completely clueless-about-everything "C" celebs to talk about fashion -- well, they struck it rich. --Joan.

P.S. Go ahead, try and find us on that cock-a-mamie TV Guide Channel... Three people get it and they're busy watching The Weather Channel. Why did we leave E! again?

Ever since they put him and Kathy Griffin on Fashion Police, I haven't been watching. It's awful and this guy just irritates that crap outta me. He's almost as grating as Finola Hughes on the STYLE networks How Do I Look? --Melissa

As if his life wasn't bad enough right now...

Klein up on DUI charges, according to E! Online:

This is not shaping up to be Chris Klein's best year ever. While ex Katie Holmes and new squeeze Tom Cruise embark on their international-headline-making European coming-out tour, the American Pie actor was on the wrong end of a DUI sentence, E! Online has learned.... The actor was sentenced to five years' probation, 150 hours of community service (which Klein's lawyer indicated the actor would like to fulfill at the Red Cross), a 90-day license suspension and an $1,800 fine.

Read more here: http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,16457,00.html?eol.tkr

Tooooom, keep your hands to yourself!

Come on, Kate, let me get a piece...


Tom, I just want to feel your heart and your warmth...


Ok, ok...well, at least just kiss me then...


Looks like Italy is agreeing with them, eh? There are 2 options here... they will either crash and burn out real quick... or marry. This isn't going to be another Cruz a Cruise affair. --Joan

Katie's keeping Tom Far and Away...

Note: Go here if you can't see the pic.

Are We Actually Supposed to Believe This Crap?

Here's a blurry shot of them kissing:


OK, here it is better, courtesy of people.com:


According to AnaNova.com:

Katie Holmes is saving herself for Tom...

Tom Cruise's new girlfriend says she will not have sex until she gets married.

Actress Katie Holmes has reportedly told friends she will remain a virgin until her wedding night.

Read the rest here: http://www.ananova.com/entertainment/story/sm_1374982.html?menu=entertainment.film


Now, I don't know about you... but I wasn't born yesterday... Are we to believe she spent all those years with hotty Chris Klein and didn't do the deed? I think not... Unless she's one of those Born-Again Virgins... and I'm still not buying it! Melissa? --Joan

For some reason, this whole stepping out thing seems so phony to me, like it's a publicity stunt or something. I mean, the "relationship" he had with Penelope Cruz was said numerous times to be a stunt for the most part. Who knows with these two? Katie is so sweet and Tom is so smug and cocky although (in the voice and accent of Rosie Perez from Untamed Heart), "I'd do him." And the whole virginity thing, that's a crock of shit. She does seem like a nice, wholesome girl but there's no way in hell I believe she's still a virgin.

And check this out, talk about FAH-REE-KEEEEY! You know those bios they have on IMDb with a list of quotes that the actor said? Well, here's a quote from Katie's bio on IMDb:

"I think every little girl dreams about her wedding. I used to think I was going to marry Tom Cruise."

What the fuh???
--Melissa

GET THE FRIG OUTTA HERE. That's some good investigating on your part, Melissa. Old Joan raised ya right, eh? I'm truly mystified by this entire development. Do you think she dumped Klein for Cruise? It's possible...and more plausible now, considering this info from IMDB. Well, anyway... regarding her supposed virginity... I just spoke w/our mutual friend, Herr Rizzo, and he said: "She'll be getting a taste of Xenu any day now." LOFL.
--Joan

Ah, yes, Herr Rizzo must be quite disappointed by the Holmes/Klein relationship demise. I know he was pulling for those two to make it. I'm not sure if Katie dumped Klein for Cruise, I'm not entirely sure what happened there. But I'm hoping Katie and/or Tom talk and SOON!
--Melissa

Cocaine, pot? Whatever your pleasure, Bo's got it, or at least had it, at one point

The Smoking Gun revealed another bad-doer from this season's American Idol and it's one of my fave contestants. Apparently Bo "was once arrested for felony cocaine possession, but had the charge--and a separate marijuana count--dismissed last year after completing a so-called "diversion program," The Smoking Gun has learned. Harold "Bo" Bice, 29, was busted in June 2001 by Huntsville, Alabama cops and hit with the drug count, a Class C felony, according to the below warrant. He was arrested again in July 2003 near Birmingham and charged with marijuana possession, public intoxication, and possession of drug paraphernalia, according to court records. He pleaded guilty to the latter two misdemeanors in December 2004. The pot charge was dismissed after Bice's successful completion of the same diversion program that covered his prior cocaine bust."

Go here to the Smoking Gun to read more about Bo's brush with the law and to see copies of his court papers.

Here's a photo of his grandparents:

It's like someone reached in and ripped my heart out...

OK, some of you may remember how much Constantine annoyed and bothered us in the beginning of American Idol. Joan and myself wanted to take turns punching his cocky and smug face, but to think we ended up liking the dude and are beyond baffled and actually affected by his departure last night is pretty amazing. Constantine improved over the last few weeks, endearing himself to us and even looking attractive. But it was over for him and what was even more unbelieveable was that Scott didn't even end up in the bottom three! The top three were Bo and Carrie and the bottom three were Anthony and Vonzell. Scott and Constantine were the two left up on the couch and when Ryan announced that Scott was to go stand with Bo and Carrie, I was so certain that at least Anthony would be getting booted. But nope...

Joan: Last night was un-be-lieve-a-ble. I don't think there's been a more shocking results show. And I can't believe we have to sit thru another week of Scott. Ugh. I bet he wins the frickin' competition at this point! I almost called you last night to rant and rave... But realized you're three hours behind... I was so shocked beyond belief!

Melissa: I was sooooo close to calling you, Joan, so close! But it was 12:30 AM there and I figured you were sleeping. But I am beyond baffled. I mean, I started off not liking Constantine in the slightest bit but he grew on me and I didn't want him to go! Scott and Anthony need to go before any of the others. Unbelievable. But I'm glad to say that Constantine was very, very gracious both last night and on FOX news this morning when they interviewed him.

Joan: I'm still shocked. It's all we could talk about this morning. So crazy. I'm really not looking forward to next week's results show.

Melissa: I swear, if I have to look at Scott's face once before with his stupid facial expressions and dumb hats and glasses and the shout-outs to God, I will throw stuff at the TV.

Joan: You know... Elvis used to shoot his TVs to smithereens whenever Robert Gulet came on... It may come to this.

Paula was bawling...BAWLING, yo!

Scott! Roll on outta here already!

Melissa: OK, Joan, let me hear it. What did you think of last night's performances?

Joan: Last night was a grand snoozefest. I had to stick toothpicks under my eyelids just to stay awake. Overall, the night was disappointing to say the least. And, I agreed with Simon most of the night. Bad song choices all the way around. It was, as they say: Ca Ca Poo Poo. Melissa?

Melissa: Let me start from the top. It was interesting to see where these kids came from, see their parents and homes, etc. I think the parents tearing up over their kids will be effective heartstring-tuggers and produce more call-ins than usual for people who normally wouldn't have gotten as many. But onto the contestants: Carrie, I'm so over the country thing. Never liked it, never will. She's good but so pigeon-holed and I gotta say, I was reflecting on how lucky I am to be from a great place like NY cause I wouldn't want her bum-fuck nowhere, farm upbringing for anything in the world. Constantine stank. And didn't look as attractive as he had in the last couple of weeks. He chose a horrible song by a horrible band, Nickelback. Seriously? Vonzell is cuuuuuuuute! I would carry her around in my pocket, she's so sweet. And she sung that Xtina song pretty darn well. Anthony, well, he did okay. Picking a Celine Dion song was a great marketing tactic at this point in the game. Girls and mums who luuuurve Celine Dion were probably swooning and Ryan mentioning the fact that Anthony's been working out twice a day also secured him some more votes. Bo, oh Bo. While he kicked ass on the song, what was up with that horrible shirt and shades??? Like Simon said, "Ditch the Lenny Kravitz sunglasses, that look is so over." He seems like a very nice boy with a fun Southern family. And now...ugh, Scott. I really did not need to see his baby and childhood photos. I'm not sure if it's just me, but didn't the photos look like those of serial killers when they are wee-little ones? And the commentary from his parents, really, no amount of parental gloating will ever make me like Scott. And them saying that he's the average Joe and then Scott saying that if you go to Cleveland, you'll see hundreds of Scotts walking around? LORD, I pray to thee that that is not true!

Joan: LOL on all your baby photo/home video comments. Just the same, I could do w/o all that crap--just sing already--who cares??? Yes, for the people who vote, it will make a difference... but my God... And Scott... if he don't go tonight... Watch, Vonzell will end up in the bottom three and he'll be safe. Overall, the best performance last night had to be Vonzell. I thought everyone else was crappy. Even Carrie (who I admit to liking). You're like Simon: "I don't understand this music. I'll never get it. Really." LOL. But you have to admit, she's got an amazing range. Still, all the same, I'll be glad to see this week go in AI history and move on. Hopefully, someone will coach these people to pick better songs. Sheesh. So, my pick for getting the ax tonight is: Scott. Bottom three will be Scott, Anthony and dare I say it: Constantine. ;) Joan?

Melissa: YES!!! Simon's comment on the country music and him not getting it was so reminiscent of my sentiments on it. My picks for bottom three are Scott, Anthony, and you may be right: Constantine, although I don't think he'll be the one to go. It's gotta be either Anthony or Scott. I'm hoping that the judges' blunt comments on Scott's performance, especially Simon's comment, "If I were you, I'd pack my suitcases tonight," influences the results and gets that creep outta there. If any of the others besides Scott or Anthony go, then something is definitely wrong.

Joan: Constantine is definitely safe. I don't know why, but the chicks dig him. To me, he's just smarmy. LOL. So true... The judges were brutal w/Scott--almost like they were told to be in sync on their comments regarding his departure. And he didn't seem to take it well... looked weepy. Well, only time will tell, Melissa.

Melissa: Good! Let that mother-trucker (as Sebastian Bach so well put it) weep his little freakin' eyes out. He sucks and it's about time he was shown the door. It sucks that we have a time difference, you and me, cause if he doesn't go tonight, I'll feel so compelled to give you a call and it'll be 12:30 am where you are! I'm sitting here with my fingers crossed till then. We'll reconvene tomorrow on the results, Joan.

Joan & Melissa -- OUT!

Paula Abdul: "Don’t screw me or you’ll be sorry."

Dang, girl's fiesty! This is supposedly according to Corey Clarke, the contestant from the second season of American Idol who got ejected after FOX found out that he faced charges of assaulting his teenage sister and clashing with police while resisting arrest, and had withheld this information from the producers. He's out to write a book and is shopping it to publishers.

While totally interesting and catty (that's just the way Joan and I like it!), it's also kinda gross. Here's some of the stuff that supposedly went down, according to an article in the new issue of Globe magazine:

Clarke reportedly is claiming that he had sex with Abdul in the guest room of her house, that she paid some of his expenses and promised to fund his career to the tune of $2 million, and that she made him vow to keep their relationship a secret.

"[Abdul] told [Clark] she wanted to look out for him and be his 'special friend,'" according to the Globe article. "But he claims she warned him that he couldn't tell anyone or she'd make things very hard for him, cautioning, 'Don't screw me or you'll be sorry.'" The proposal apparently also describes how Abdul once came up behind Clark, rubbed his neck, and then they began "kissing passionately and feeling each other up" as they moved to the guest bedroom.

Read more here. You'll need a barf bag.

And for an explanation of Paula's loopiness, go here. Supposedly she suffers from a neurological disorder, folks, she's not addicted to pills. I don't know...

It was a "dread"ful goodbye

Although Joan and I aren't too terribly upset or surprised by Anwar's departure from American Idol last night, we're totally and utterly baffled and pissed by Scott's staying power. Seriously, folks??? What's the freakin' deal here? Who is keeping that annoying idiot in this competition?

Go here to read about Scott's ridiculous endurance on AI.

Scott: Please don't shake what yo momma gave you!

Joan: Well, Melissa... you missed the last couple... so why don't you start off the wrap-up with your thoughts...

Melissa: Overall, I gotta say that I'm pretty pleased at this stage of the game. Granted, I absolutely hate the 70's disco genre but a lot of the songs really seemed to work out for the contestants and many of them did very well vocally. Bo rocked it with the deep rock edge, the animalistic quality of his voice added something different to the theme. Constantine is actually improving quite a bit as each week goes by. I may not hate him as much anymore. He was wearing eye make-up and they highlighted his hair. I'm so bored with Carrie but I know, I know, everyone loves her, blah, blah, blah. Scott, well, you know how I feel; I hope he goes but I bet he won't. Anthony is so annoying. And can he be wearing any more make-up? I think he has mascara on. Vonzell is cute and pretty good. She rocked it well on "I'm Every Woman." What are your thoughts, Joan?

Joan: I agree with you. This week was pretty entertaining. I happen to love disco/funk... it's one of my guiltiest pleasures... gulp. ;) I thought Carrie's song choice was poor – since there are so many better Donna Summer songs... she would have done "Last Dance" very well. Missed opportunity. And as cheesy as she looked – she fit the 70's era look well. I'm glad you mentioned Constantine... cause I was thinking someone slipped me a micki – since I thought he was fab last night (and almost, dare I say it: attractive). Oh god... what is this world coming to. And Bo... such a great rendition. Overall, the tankers were Scott (who's rendition wasn't terrible, just boring) and Anthony (who picked the worst song he could pick). For the bottom three, I'm thinking: Scott, Anthony and possibly Anwar (even though I friggin' love that song!) Melissa?

Melissa: Man, oh man, I know what you mean, I squirming to admit it, but Constantine is starting to grow on me. I can't even believe I'm having this change of heart. He has been looking more attractive lately. I don't know what it is... Ugh! Anyhoo, I thought Carrie looked a little too dressed up, too stylized, and contrived. I know that the theme was 70's disco and it's all supposed to be off the wall and crazy, but still. She just didn't fit that look. What did Simon say? Something about 70's meets the Stepford Wives or something. She just looks like such a young, sweet, innocent country girl, I couldn't really see her with all that hair and make-up. And can I just say that I can't stand Anwar more and more as each week goes by? He just annoys me, everything about him. And last night, he had his shirt unbuttoned so low that I thought we were gonna see his nipple through all the gyrating he was doing, trying to conjure up stage presence. And Scott, yes, how freakin' BORING! And how smug too. ARGH! I'm hoping tonight's bottom three is Scott, Anthony, and Anwar. And even more hopefully, Scott gets the big ole boot! Back to Ohio wit his ass.

Joan: Yes, it's time for Scott... that smug bastard better not stick around a week longer. How he got picked over Nadia... I'll never know. But it is proof that America is heavily medicated.

Melissa: I know I say this now and there's no chance I'll stick to it, but I'll boycott American Idol if Scott doesn't go tonight. Thing is, if he doesn't, then who will? No one besides him really deserves the boot yet. Except maybe Anthony but at least I like Anthony and don't really want to slap him like I do with Scott.

Joan: I've said that a million times and it never sticks... but if those three mentioned don't land in the bottom three tonight... my thoughts regarding American mentality will have been confirmed. Welp... We shall see tonight and post, perhaps angrily, tomorrow.

Melissa: I look forward to it, Joan.

Joan & Melissa - OUT!

Ugly Ass Boots...

I'm sensing a theme. And I'm not liking it. --Joan

I'm tellin' y'all, these designs are working out great for my streetwalking part-time job. --Melissa

Lookin' Good....

If only I could have one more stab at the Prom... --Joan.

It looks like a scrubber at a gay car wash. --Melissa

Some Funny Shiz

Gotta tell ya: People are scary. Check this out:

"As stated in the posting from an anonymous seller in Ames, Iowa, about Item No. 7505627192 -- "Kelly Clarkson's Used Bottled Water from Omaha Concert" -- on the e-Bay online auction site: "I am auctioning off (1) 16.9 fluid ounce bottle of Dasani bottled water that Kelly Clarkson drank"--TeenPeople.com

So, I was curious... did the good folks at eBay take the item down? Nope:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=85960&item=7507074651&rd=1&ssPageName=WDVW

In case the item is taken down, here's some text from the description:

OKAY FOLKS, THIS IS A RELISTED AUCTION FROM BEFORE THAT EBAY UNFAIRLY CANCELLED. THEY CITED THAT I HAD BROKEN SOME RULE ABOUT LISTINGS INVOLVING HUMAN REMAINS, WHICH CLEARLY THIS ISN'T.

THIS AUCTION IS FOR A BOTTLED WATER...

ON APRIL 2 I ATTENDED KELLY'S CONCERT AT THE OMAHA MUSIC HALL. I WAS IN ROW 1 SEAT 14, WHICH PUT ME RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE, ABOUT THREE FEET AWAY FROM KELLY.

AFTER ABOUT THE THIRD OR FOURTH SONG, SHE OPEN UP THIS 16.9 FLUID OUNCE BOTTLE OF DASANI AND DRANK FROM IT. AFTER THE SHOW ENDED, WHILE THE ROADIES WERE TEARING DOWN THE STAGE, I ASKED ONE OF THEM FOR THE BOTTLE AND HE GAVE IT TO ME.

THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO OWN THIS GREAT KELLY CLARKSON MEMORABILIA. HER LIPS TOUCHED THIS BOTTLE! WHO IS THE BIGGEST KELLY COLLECTOR OUT THERE? YOU HAVE TO OWN THIS BOTTLE IF THAT IS YOU!

THE WINNER GETS THIS BOTTLE, GUARANTEED TO BE KELLY'S BOTTLE, ALONG WITH MY TICKET FROM THE CONCERT PROVING I WAS IN THE FRONT ROW, RIGHT IN FRONT OF KELLY.

And, what's really sad about the whole thing -- no one's bidding. There are 2 days left, and there are no takers. Yet, if you're in the market for "used socks", then you're in luck: http://search.ebay.com/used-socks_W0QQfromZR40QQsojsZ1 But the bidding is competitive -- get your bids in before it's too late...

Yeesh... all of the above is proof the world is coming to a swift end. --Nicole

Nikko Go Bye Bye

Last week's American Idol was a cross to bear. The potential for an entertaining hour was there, but this group of contestants couldn't pick a good song if it were underwear wedged between their ass cheeks. Quite a boring yawnfest; I couldn't wait for it to end. The best performances, by far, came from Carrie (whose song choice was albeit boring, but well-sung) and Nadia (who gave the show salvation with the last performance; her choice and rendition were extremely well done). Vonzell did well too, but Streisand is always thought to top. However, her performance certainly didn't warrant her being cast into the bottom three, on the following night. Anthony should have been in her place, but it's clear his teenaged fan base is keeping him in the running, regardless of his ability to grow and improve as a performer.

Also in the bottom three, and rightfully so, were Nikko and Scott. I had a feeling Scott might be cast off, since the bombshell news of his former criminal record. Nope. They chose, instead, Nikko. Who, ironically, wasn't terrible the night before. Who was terrible? I'll tell you...and Melissa ain't gonna like this -- but Bo was positively unremarkable and quite literally stinky. His song choice, which he said he chose by closing his eyes and pointing to w/his finger (hindsight is always 20/20) was so very bad, it was hard to watch. And he seemed to be going thru the motions...he knew he did poorly. Also in the stinker were: Constantine, who everyone seems to love...his performances are always, consistently shitty...I don't see what all the fuss is about. And someone should really smack that God damn smug look off his face. Anwar...bad, bad, bad. For some reason, he's sticking around... but his register was all off and the judges really need to playback the tape to see he didn't really hit the note they were all raving about. Crack city. And so, another week of AI comes to a close. Let's hope they pick a better genre for next week -- or send in a coach to make sure they pick listenable songs.

You may be wondering, where's the other half of this duo... well, Melissa went on sabbatical, no TV/no radio...cut-off entirely from civilization... that is... until she gets her cable hooked up in her new digs. She'll be back with AI commentary soon... don't you worry ;) --Joan.

The photos don't lie

Remember the Posh Spice pics from a few posts ago? If there was ever any doubt as to the validity of the date and time lapse after Posh's pregnancy that they were taken, here's a photo showing her with their two toddler boys and Hotty Becks carrying the youngest, most post-natal spawn. Posh looks amazing, after only a little over a month of giving birth.



WTF? Is she a robot? Is she an amazon? There had better be some stretch marks under there -- there has to be some after-effect of childbearing? And three, no less. She must posess some damn good genes. And speaking of good genes -- how f-ing hot is Becks? Mah Gawd. --Nicole.

Baby fever

Celebrity Baby Blog is posting that Nadia is the second American Idol contestant this season with offspring. Scott Savol is the first with a 4-year-old son.

Nadia Turner, 28, is also a parent, although it hasn't been discussed on the show. Us Weekly says that she is mom to a five year old, "absolutely adorable" little girl. The father is unknown, and Fox declined to comment on the situation.

Nicole: I feel like I heard her mention this once. I wonder who's taking care of these kids while they're rehearsing...

Awwww...and this is very cute:

Chris tells Us Weekly that "My baby [Apple] is so fucking cool." Asked if he and Gwyn will take her on tour with Coldplay, Chris jokes, "She'll come and go as she pleases!"

Nicole: So, I guess the rumors aren't true. They're sticking together after all. Hope so. So sick of celebrity couples breaking up all the time -- give it a real shot, for crying out loud.

Scott Savol + ex-girlfriend = domestic dispute

There's always gotta be something up with at least one of them. I'm actually surprised this isn't causing an ejection of Scott from American Idol.



Read about the charges and the actual police report here at The Smoking Gun.

Oh, no he did-n't? Wow. I thought the "rough" exterior was just a facade. Turns out, he's a dirtbag. I guess I'm not completely shocked, though. He s/b taken off the show, if he never revealed this info to American Idol/FOX. --Nicole