From the Red Carpet...

OK. Here's my problem with the E! award-show coverage: STAR JONES & KATHY GRIFFIN. Neither of them would know fashion if it was a giant brick hitting them in the face. I'm sick to death of Star Jones's personal anecdotes -- like anyone watching gives two shits about her gay husband (Hey Star, if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck -- it’s a fucking duck). How she got this gig will forever mystify me. Plus, the velvet purple number she's sporting makes her look like a train wreck. If she's so proud of the fact that she lost weight, why on earth would she wear something that accentuates every flaw on her body. She looks like a cross between Morticia Adams and Grimace.

Kathy Griffin: between the grating voice and the excuse to riff using unfunny material, I've about had it. At least she cleans up better than Jones.

One good thing, they got rid of that sham of a fashion expert, whose name escapes me, in favor of Carson of Queer Eye fame. Finally, senior management at E! makes a good decision. Let’s hope he doesn’t disappoint.

But I digress...
On to my fashion report:

Eva Longoria and Felicity Huffman: oh-oh...caught at the same show in the same color? Girls, don't you know to call each other before picking out your dresses? Can you say faux pas? But Felicity gets my pick for better dressed...

Marcia Cross: She may be an insufferable bitch, but hunter green on a redhead...always a good pick. She looks fab.

Lauren Graham: Nice dress, but shut the f up. Even a train comes to a stop.

Jennifer Love Hewitt (or did she drop the Hewitt?): Instead of altering her surname, she should drop the homage to Audrey Hepburn. It ain’t working. BTW: what’s she doing there anyway? Party of Five was ovah a looooong time ago. Get over it.

Portia de Rossi: Pulling off the Grecian goddess thing well, but the color’s a little too bright. Coral can be tricky. But it should compliment her gal pal’s quasi-femme tux well enough.

Eric MacCormack: Could he be any cuter? But his wife… and I’m quoting my mother here: ‘She looks like one of the stepsisters.’ [My mom is also very good at pointing out the women who have brought their new “friends” with them. “Friends = Recently augmented breasts.]

Jennifer Garner: Looks like a sausage in the black satin sheath. When pregnant, always opt for the empire waist…not only is it more comfortable, but it’s flattering, too. She came Benless. Hmm. Trouble in paradise? And that bun in the oven must be a girl, cause it’s robbing her of her “beauty”: she looks like who did it an ran…

Well, it’s almost showtime, folks. I better run to make sure no D-list actor steals my seat. Ciao!

--Joan