Creepy isn't the word...

The bride of Cruisenstein?

A word has yet to be derived to explain the feeling you will get while reading (and after having read) the new article on Katie Holmes in the upcoming issue of W Magazine. Rather than getting into it, I'll let the excerpts speak for themselves. Prepare to be disturbed! --Joan

The following is excerpted from Style.com. To read the full online story, visit:
http://www.style.com/w/feat_story/070505/full_page.html

"This is how the conversation begins; this is also how it continues, and how it ends. No question can do much to change its course.

Do you worry that this might be a rebound romance for either of you?

"I've never met anyone like Tom," Holmes replies...

Do you ever wonder whether this is just a honeymoon phase?

"Tom and I will always be in our honeymoon phase."

Did you learn anything in your previous relationship...that has been a benefit to this one?

"Chris and I care about each other and we're still friends. Tom is the most incredible man in the world."

Do you feel that, with more relationship experience, you get better at resolving conflicts?

"Meeting Tom...I'm just exhilarated. He makes me laugh, we have fun, we understand each other, everything is so aligned. I feel so lucky and so...like I've been given such a gift, such a gift, you know?" She pauses. "And it's just really amazing."...

Is there anything you guys don't have in common?

"You know, we appreciate each other."

Has it been a challenge to make his kids feel comfortable?

"They're just exceptional people."

Isn't it an adjustment to move in with someone--and after only a month? (In late May, Holmes packed up her apartment in Hollywood's El Royale complex and moved into Cruise's Beverly Hills mansion.)

"He's the man of my dreams."

[And if that weren't weird enough...hold on to your hat... --Joan]

"Anyone who has seen photos from the couple's June tour...will recognize the tall, cold-eyed Jessica Rodriguez...described to me as Holmes's "Scientologist chaperone," and it was clear that she would be on hand during our interview despite my protests. Polite and restrained but alert to troublesome questions, Rodriguez chimes in only to offer an amen following one of Holmes's rhapsodies. ("You adore him," Rodriguez says after the actress explains that she can't keep her hands off Cruise.) But she rises from her chair when Holmes is asked how she feels about the widespread disbelief in her new union.

"The truth is, we don't read that stuff because it's just rude," Rodriguez says, referring to rumors that Cruise made a financial arrangement with Holmes (after auditioning a field of other young starlets...When I suggest that the televised hyperbolizing of their happiness may have undercut its credibility, Rodriguez asks, "Have you ever been in love? You just want to share it with the world." I suggest that many couples prefer to cherish the feeling privately, especially in the delicate first months. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, whatever the nature of their relationship, come to mind.

"But why can't they go public, you know what I mean?" Rodriguez continues. "Like, Brad and Angelina that's just a shame for them. Right, Katie?"

"Yeah. I mean, I'm just so happy," Holmes says in reply..."And I love celebrating our happiness. I can't keep it in."

...After the interview, when I ask Rodriguez how long she's worked with Holmes...she waves her hand and says, "Oh, no, we're just best friends. Well, Katie has a lot of friends." And how long have you been friends? "Oh, a while," Rodriguez answers. "I don't know."

It turns out the two women were introduced only six weeks earlier (right around the time when Holmes met Cruise....Rodriguez comes from a family of wealthy Bay area Scientologists; she attended a boarding school in Oregon linked to Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, then went to work for the church, reportedly attaining membership in the Sea Org, Scientology's elite religious order, whose members commit to the church for one billion years, in 1998. [Go here: http://xenu.net/archive/so/] No one close to Holmes will venture to say exactly what Rodriguez's role in the actress's life is these days.

On the day we meet, Holmes tells me she's not a Scientologist. (Three days later, in Europe, she will announce that she has converted.) "You know, it's really exciting," the actress says of the religion. "I just started auditing" (Scientology's word for receiving spiritual counseling) "and I'm taking some courses, and I really like it. I feel it's really helping. What I like about it is that, you know, I was raised Catholic, and you can be a Catholic and a Scientologist, Jewish and a Scientologist." ... "I'm learning," Holmes says..."to celebrate my own spirit, my own being."

No pressure from Cruise, she swears: "That's really ludicrous because, I mean, you have to know Tom. He is the most loving, generous man who, first of all, he wants to help people. He doesn't put pressure on people. He is the kindest, smartest, most adoring man. It's a pleasure and a privilege to be with him." [C'mon...he's no Peace-Prize winner.--Joan]

...just then a security guard lumbers into the dressing room and presents Holmes with a giant silver box tied in a thick purple ribbon...a Chanel diamond necklace..."He's my man! He's my man!" she screams, then jumps up on her chair to do an impression of her fiance's now-famous sofa shtick from Oprah. [This shit's gotta stop...-Joan]

..."I can do splits too," Holmes says, jumping down and splaying herself across the floor. [Like a deranged cheerleader...-Joan] On that note, I suggest, we should probably get the photo shoot started.

"On that note," she replies, "I love him."

Phew. I'm tired. That was really rough on the brain. After reading that, I kinda feel the same as if I'd smoked a brick of Polynesian hashish. --Joan.

Article by Robert Haskell
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