Oscar! Oscar! Oscar!

Last night’s Oscars were so long, I went into menopause AGAIN. Oof, it was a salutefest to end all salutefests… But the fashions, while not extremely fabulous, did make for a glamorous night. So, sit back, relax and enjoy our 2007 Oscar wrap-up, Joan and Melissa-style. --Joan.

Joan: Ironically, one of my fave dresses last night ended up on the Worst Dressed list – and let me tell you, that has never happened to me before. Either I’m losing my touch, or the world’s gone nuts – but I thought Gwyenth Paltrow’s dress was fab – from the color right down to the intricate pleating. Just gaw-geous.

Melissa: I wasn’t too keen on Gwennie’s dress myself. I was expecting something much more colorful and elegant and it turned out to be very gauzy-looking and mermaid-like. I didn’t like the color on her already pale skin and you could see her bra through it. But to each his own… At the same time, I wouldn’t say she’s one of the worst though.

Best dressed female is hard since none of the gowns really stood out. Overall, it was kind of a snoozer. I think Reese’s dress was gorgeous although I’m constantly distracted by her ridiculously long chin. Cate Blanchet’s dress was too metallic, she looked icier than ever. I liked Rachel Weisz’s dress and although it was very metallic too, her dark hair and eyes keep the balance there. Maggie Glylenhall post-baby looked really nice, loved the navy although I could have done without all the feathers. WTF? Emily Blunt looked nice, Kate Winslet looked nice. But see? There’s the problem… nothing stood out. The nice gowns were nice. After all that, if I had to pick, I’d say Helen Mirren was my best dressed. I still cannot believe for a woman her age how freakin’ good she looks. From her hair to her dress to the tasteful décolletage for her age, it all works. And oh yeah, HOW HOT DID DIANE KEATON LOOK? Holy smokes!

Joan: LOL. Too funny: “I’m constantly distracted by her ridiculously long chin.” So true. But that dress was to die for. I loved the layering. I liked Cate’s dress, but not as much as her Golden Globe metallic number. I really liked Kate’s, too… but it was safe. I liked Rachel’s gown, thogh the necklace was a bit much. She should have kept the broach and gone w/o the extra bauble. Yes, Dame Helen was gaw-geous… for a broad of 60-something, she’s amazing. Diane, too… flawless. She just always looks good and youthful.

Worst Dressed for me had to be, w/o a doubt, that dopey Kirsten Dunst. Ugh… what an old-maid looking frock. Just awful – from the color to the cut. So much for couture. Also, I hated Cameron Diaz. Made me have flashbacks to my prom. Hey Cameron, 1991 called – they want their dress back. JLO looked like a damn dope – she need some bra action… wtf? Flopping around for all the damn world to see. And her weird-ass hanger on, Marc Antony – just made her look dopier.

Melissa: I wasn’t impressed by J.Lo’s Grecian number myself. Too many cheap-o looking rhinestones at the neckline and her boobs looked like they were cinched and sealed and ready for shipping. Weird torso action going on. I hated Cameron’s dress, she reminded me of a tampon. Long and white. Ugh. Kirsten looked extremely washed-out and that color along with her pale-ass skin made her look like she was one step away from being a cadaver. Awful, just awful. Anna Hathaway’s big giant black bow looked ridiculous. Kelly Preston’s leopard print number looked completely inappropriate for the Oscars. Naomi Watts’ Easter yellow dress with the droopy armbands just dragged my spirits to an all-time low. But ultimately, I have to give worst-dressed to Nicole Kidman. While there were much worse looking dresses on the carpet, we’ve all just come to expect so much more from Nicole. The awful loopy thingamabob by her head, almost the size of her own head, just looked ridiculous. I do applaud her on the color though, I’ve always maintained that the paler gals should wear deep, rich, vibrant colors like the awesome red she had on.

Joan: Agreed on all counts. You know – that dress on Nicole would have looked fab if it was just a halter and had no bow. It just made her look cartoonish – like Minnie Mouse. Just ridiculous. Well, another Oscar ceremony under out belts, Melissa. I think I need a nap – this one tuckered me out.

Melissa: No joke, almost 4 hours to boot. Like we needed all those freakin’ montages and video clips and song performances, etc. I’m done. We’s out! See ya next year on the red carpet.