Golden Delicious

It's official, sorta: Gywennie and Chris are preggars... and Apple is going to be a big sis. The question remains: what will they name the new Martin?

Gwyneth Paltrow is pregnant with her second baby. The news follows months of rumours the actress - who has a baby daughter, Apple, with husband Coldplay star Chris Martin - was expecting again

The pregnancy has been confirmed by a reliable source, according to Britain's Evening Standard newspaper

The actress and husband Chris have remained tight-lipped about rumours they are having another baby - although Gwyneth has previously hinted she was expecting

In October, the Oscar-winning beauty - who previously admitted she wanted a bigger family - told a press conference that there were "two Paltrows in the room" while patting her bulging stomach (Female First UK)

Pitt, Jolie: In the Family Way

Well, for a couple who is unwilling to admit they're actually seeing each other, things sure are progressing in a commited fashion. (Left AP Photo: Brad, holding Zahara, arriving in Japan for the premiere of Mr. and Mrs. Smith.) Looks like Brad will be playing Daddy to Jolie's kids...and making it legal:

...Pitt has filed legal papers in Los Angeles to adopt the children of actress Angelina Jolie, news media reported on Friday, adding that this might be a step leading to the couple's marrying.

Life & Style magazine said Pitt, 41, has filed to become the legal adopted father of Jolie's two children, Maddox, 4, and Zahara, 10 months. They will go by the last name of Jolie-Pitt when the legal steps are completed, the magazine said, quoting a representative for Pitt...

"The ink isn't even dry on the adoption papers, and Brad is literally jumping for joy," the magazine quoted an unnamed "insider" as saying. "He's calling friends and telling them the great news."

Meanwhile, In Touch magazine reported that the couple is expected to marry soon and have already drawn up a prenuptial agreement, primarily to benefit the two children." (Reuters)

There are no words...

...except that, I guess Scientologists don't believe in the dangers of excess exposure to radiation. A healthy dose of vitamin C should take care of that.

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Not every family can afford one at a price tag of up to $200,000 but actor Tom Cruise says he bought a sonogram machine for his pregnant fiancée Katie Holmes so that they can monitor the development of their child.

In an interview with ABC's Barbara Walters to be aired on a November 29 television special about the "most fascinating people of 2005," Cruise said: "I'm going to donate it to a hospital when we are done."

A sonogram machine, which uses ultra-sound to look at a fetus's development, can cost between $150,000 and $200,000, according to People Magazine which published excerpts from the interview on Wednesday.

Cruise said he did not know the gender of the child but said if he did, he would not reveal it. Walters then asked him, "So what do you see?" and he answered "a little baby."

It's OVAH, Part ... Oh, I've lost count.

After just three short years of wedded bliss, Nick and Jessica have called it quits. (Melissa, what was our over/under in the pool on this? I think one of us won some cash.) Frankly, I'm surprised it lasted this long, what w/her vacant stares and clear mental incapacity and his waning career... there was bound to be tension. And let's face it, he was mainly in for the poon. Once the novelty of that wore off, he realized he was stuck w/an airhead, whose bottle of bleach was smarter than she was.



Here's E! Online's scoop:

This time it's for real. Honest.

After months of speculation on their marital status, Newlywed duo Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have come clean and announced they are breaking up.

"After three years of marriage, and careful thought and consideration, we have decided to part ways," the couple says in a joint statement issued by their respective publicists, Meredith O'Sullivan and Rob Shooter.

"This is the mutual decision of two people with an enormous amount of respect and admiration for each other. We hope that you respect our privacy during this difficult time."

There was no immediate word on whether a divorce was in the offing.

God knows what her crazy father, Joe Simpson, is going to do now that his daughter is getting divorced. Will he make her wear that crazy ring again? Does she have to become a "re-virgin"?

So, I wonder if this book (left) is going to go out of print. "How to Achieve your Dream Wedding." Maybe she should have been more concerned about a "Dream Marriage" instead. Hmm. Maybe I should snatch one up on Amazon. It might be a collector's item soon. --Joan.

Vince dishes over coffee

I don't have actual proof that the nose hair situation has been tended to, but a girl can dream, right?

Shop-a-Holic

On November 11th, yours truly attended the Lucky Shops event, hosted by Lucky Magazine -- a favorite of both Melissa and I. The event took place at Gotham Hall in NYC, and although I spent less than a planned (never a bad thing) it was a fab time.

Encircling the pantheon were 50 or so vendors, namely Chaiken, Marc Jacobs, Mblem, Delman, Bliss, Siegor Morrison, Lauren Merkin, and the Bluefly shop.

I picked up a fabulous Lauren Merkin bag for a steal (almost 75% off the original price!)...similar to this one. And some various other sundries.

On to the next shopping event ... Ciao! --Joan

Once in a lifetime...

The 11th Hofstra Presidential Conference: The New Democrat from Hope, President William Jefferson Clinton. November 10th, 2005. Hofstra University: Hempstead, NY.

Anyone who knows me well, knows I have a deep and abiding love for the man I feel was this nation's greatest president, Bill Clinton. That's why I'm so proud that I was able to hear him speak at my alma mater, Hofstra University. (Thank God for Francis... ;)

President Clinton addressed nearly 5,000 students, alumni, faculty, guests and former cabinet members/colleagues at the Hofstra Arena on November 10th. After a brief introduction by former Secretary of State Madeline Albright, Clinton quickly had the crowd enthralled...his command for public speaking is simply remarkable...

He spoke on many subjects, tailoring his speech to those would be politicians in the audience. He detailed his administration's successes and owned up to the mistakes that were made along with things that could have been done somewhat differently. It is rare to hear a politician accept responsibility for their policies and shortcomings (something our current administration is certainly having a hard time doing).

Clinton discussed his impeachment, in a now famous and much bandied about statement...which I will refrain from discussing here, since I feel "My bobby" has suffered enough on this topic. By the end of the speech, Clinton had stirred the crowd to a frothy mixture of hope, pride and excitement. I was absolutely buoyed up by the idea I had just witnessed a once in a lifetime privilege. Something I will always be thankful for and look back on with extreme pleasure.

Post speech, Clinton was awarded and honorary doctorate in Humane Letters by Hofstra's president. After which, there was some mulling around on the stage. What happened next, no one could have expected, especially since the secret service was in such great force. Clinton began walking down the steps of the platform and headed for the crowd. "The president's going to shake some hands," said a voice from the microphone. I knew one thing, and one thing only -- I HAD to get down there...

But, as I was in the first level of elevated seats, the security guards were not allowing anyone floor access. Keeping an eye on the progress down on the floor, I managed to work my way thru the throng of people, raced down the steps to the first floor, ran out onto the floor sections and to the crowd of people Clinton was shaking hands with. He was almost near the exit by the time I arrived...and I managed only to get 3-4 people deep from him... Although I didn't get to shake his hand, I did get to see him up close -- and, can I just say, the man is stunning. My Bubba love has only deepened.

*Sigh* It was a good night. :) --n

Our NY correspondant...

Our girl, Joan, is making her rounds at the Clinton appearance at Hofstra University in LI today. She'll be back with more!

Does this man ever sleep?

Vince Vaughn looks perpetually sleep-deprived. Here he is making an appearance at the Zathura, A Space Adventure premiere this weekend at the Mann Village Theatre.



And homeboy seriously needs a freakin' nose hair clipper.



Source: Just Jared

Eating my words...

Congratulations! Sienna Miller, you are the winner of this year's Dumb Shit Award! The winner of the 2005 Dumb Shit Award receives a lifetime of unhappiness, constant paranoia, and deep-seated insecurity in your relationship with a known cheater. We, on the panel of Dumb Shit voters, trust you'll be happy with this award for a short time -- but no doubt you will come to regret the decision that has made you the 2005 Dumb Shit Award recipient.

From Softpedia:

The romance between Jude Law and Sienna Miler restarts. The two have had an on-and-off relationship since Jude confessed to cheating with the nanny. Rumors also talked of a fling between Sienna and next Bond, Daniel Craig. In spite of all this, the actress, her mum and Jude were seen at top London restaurant Raoul's, where it seems that the couple decided to start over again.

Got Spunk?

Well, if you're itching to get knocked-up in one of two ways: naturally (which, in this case may make the second way more desirable) or through IVF...then today's your lucky day. Independent actor/director/lunatic Vincent Gallo is making his sperm available to those who want to ensure their offspring will be insanely eccentric and a blight on the face of humanity. Here's the scoop from IMDB:

An internet site is offering controversial film maker Vincent Gallo's sperm for sale for $1 million. VGMerchandise.com - which calls itself "the official website for Vincent Gallo merchandise" - includes a detailed agreement whereby wannabe mothers can pay for Gallo to inseminate them by in vitro fertilization (IVF) or even naturally for an extra $500,000, a fee it alleges he will waive if he deems the woman attractive enough. The site details the actor/director's physical attributes: "Mr. Gallo is 5 feet 11 inches and has blue eyes. There are no known genetic deformities in his ancestry and no history of congenital diseases. If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of the genitals if it's a boy (eight inches if he's like his father)." It also recommends his sharp features would "blend well with a softer, more subtly featured female."

Here's more from the site's description of this...um...potential transaction (and I hope you're prepared to be offended):

Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration. In fact, for the next 30 days, he is offering a $50,000 discount to any potential female purchaser who can prove she has naturally blonde hair and blue eyes. Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this discount. Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion. This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar. To be clear, the purchase of Mr. Gallo's sperm does not include the use of the name Gallo. The purchaser must find another surname for the child.

...I wonder if Roger Ebert will give this performance two thumbs down? --Joan

Tom Pulls the Purse Strings

Looks like batshit insane Tom Cruise is asking his brainwashed and knocked up wife-to-be, Katie Holmes, to sign a prenup...*GASP* Guess all those gratuitous PDAs and couch-jumping exploits do have monetary worth after all... Can't expect a Scientologist to part with his cash so quickly, unless of course it's to be donated directly into the reliquary that is L. Ron Hubbard's urn. Here's what MSNBC has to say about the prenup negotiations:

Holmes's father, Martin, is a lawyer and is representing his daughter in the negotiations, reports the upcoming issue of The Star.

Martin Holmes is playing hardball with the prenup negotiations, according to the tab, which quotes a source as saying that Holmes wants to make sure that his daughter will receive "a lump sum payment in the millions if the marriage should dissolve before the five-year mark."

Such terms are unusual for a prenup, which usually awards a spouse more money for a longer marriage, but, the source tells the mag: "The Holmes family would never tell Katie if they thought her marriage was doomed from the get-go, but they are pressuring her to hold out not only to protect her interests, but those of her child."

Stay tuned, there's bound to be more. ;) --Joan

My Brush with Fame, Part Tres

October 28th, 2005.
Book Revue. Huntington, NY.
Live Taping: The Al Franken Show
Book Signing/Tour: The Truth (With Jokes)

Caught The Al Franken road show on it's Long Island stop at the Book Revue in Huntington. Al taped his 3-hour show live in front of a crowd of about 150. Al welcomed guests by phone and in person, including Sen. Barbara Boxer and a local historian who proved that Bill O'Reilly is actually from Westbury -- not Levittown, as he'd have you believe. (Quite funny.) During the show, the indictment of "Scooter" Libby, White House Chief of Staff to VP Cheney came down. (How a grown man can be called "Scooter" and be taken seriously is beyond me....) We all sat and listened to history in the making... awed by Prosecutor Fitzgerald's straight-forwardness and lack of partisanship. It's actually possible for a Bush appointee to be non-partisan. Who knew?

After the taping, Al read a touching chapter from his latest book...dealing with the last moments of his father's life. Then he signed copies for anxious fans. He was cordial and took time w/each guest, graciously agreeing to take pictures with everyone. That's me and mom in the pic above. Along w/some shots from the rest of the day.

:) --Joan.

Need a costume idea for Halloween?

The New York Post has thoughtfully suggested this catty costume:

The Katie Holmes

Send them screaming down the street in "The Katie Holmes" - a re-creation of the moment in May when the starlet returned from her whirlwind European courtship with Tom Cruise with curious lesions around her mouth. Compliment your look with L.Ron Hubbard reading material and a cushy couch for convenient spasms of emotion. [NY Post]

The mystery revealed...

Since Renee Zellwegger's marriage to Kenny Chesney and his perpetual cowboy hat wearing ways have made me give him more brain power than the man ever deserves. Joan and I have spoken and wondered just what the hell is under that hat...and here it is.

Toothless Spice

HA HA! You gotta love the British rags. They just won't leave the Becks alone, always stirring up something...



I know it takes a lot of hard work – and cash – to look as good as VICTORIA BECKHAM.

But I never realised her smile cost her £25,000. Mrs Becks paid £2,500 per tooth to have ten prominent gnashers whitened — but now she could be at risk of losing them all. [The Sun]

This week's installment of WTF???

Melissa, are you sitting?
Deep, cleansing breaths...

Lost actor in home gunpoint robbery

He may play a tough guy on TV, but actor Josh Holloway, who plays Sawyer on Lost, was just as scared as the rest of us when he and his wife were robbed at gunpoint at his home in Hawaii....The actor and his wife were awoken just after four in the morning by intruders. The burglars escaped with money and credit cards. They also stole the couple's Mercedes-Benz car to get away. The vehicle was later found abandoned. After the incident Holloway said: "My family and I are fine and appreciate everyone's concerns and good thoughts. "We are very grateful for the help of the Honolulu police department and the support of the local community." [THE SCOTSMAN]

Shheeeeeshhh. --Joan

Why THE SOUP is funny...

Watch it, trust me. It's good stuff. --Joan

May We Suggest?
"[Britney and Kevin] have named their baby Preston Michael Spears Federline. Preston Michael, that's not weird at all. What no Apple, no Jermajesty, no Pilot Inspektor? You still have a couple of days before the ink dries on the birth certificate, so why not consider a few more appropriate celebrity baby names. That's right it's time for The Soup's very own "May We Suggest?" Mr. and Mrs. Federline, may we suggest:

• Winston-Salem Spears
• Cool Ranch Federline
• I.M. Legitimate Federline the First
• Pabst Spears
• Roscoe P. Coe Federline

Shirley Temple Versus Paris Hilton
"Former child star Shirley Temple Black has blasted Paris Hilton, saying that those like the partying heiress are 'stealing the thunder from really talented actors who have learned their craft.' Hilton blasted back saying, 'Shirley Temple? Your drink totally sucks! I had, like, six, and I didn't even get wasted!' "

Ashton & Demi's Wedding
"In a traditional Kabbalah ceremony, 42-year-old Demi Moore and 27-year-old Ashton Kutcher reportedly were married over the weekend. So there. May-December romances work. And suddenly my swimsuit poster of Angela Landsbury doesn't seem so very wrong, does it?"

Read more...

Allow me to vent...

CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT???

Ahh, much better. That felt good.

Seriously though, I must have seen the trailer 3 times, and the commercial ad nauseum, and still, I'm unable to decipher what this film is about and why I should feel compelled to fork over $10 to see it. Are the producers merely banking on the pull of quasi-femme Orlando Bloom's rising star and the curriculum vitae of Cameron Crowe to get people in the seats?

Maybe that's it... maybe that's why I'm not being drawn in to the vortex that is Elizabethtown... I find Orlando Bloom to effeminate to find attractive (it's gotta be the whole Legolas thing...) and Cameron Crowe lost my respect with Vanilla Sky (2-plus hours of near-complete viewing torture, during which I developed a hideous distaste for Penelope Cruz -- who was supposed to be a sympathtic character! -- my already wearing thin tolerance for Tom Cruise was sufficiently eroded, and I came to realize that a great soundtrack does not a film make.)

Still, this doesn't answer my question: Just what is this film about? I'm no rocket scientist, but I don't think you need a Nobel Prize to understand plot in modern cinema (and that's really placing this movie in a category alongside competition it could clearly never hold a candle to). So, then, why... why am I stumped? Are the people in Hollywood really this uninterested in marketing a film properly? Are they relying on star power? Are they simply phoning it in? I think so.

It wasn't until I caught this week's episode of E!'s THE SOUP that I realized I wasn't as out of touch as I thought I was becoming... They summed up my thoughts quite nicely, and gave me back the movie-buff title I thought I'd lost there for a minute...

But to answer that question... Here's what the producers say Elizabethtown is about:

Hopelessly depressed, Drew decides to end his life when he gets a phone call. His father has died, and Drew has to go back to his family's small Kentucky hometown of Elizabethtown to make sure his father's dying wishes are fulfilled. On his trip home, Drew meets a flight attendant, Claire Colburn (Kirsten Dunst), with whom he falls in love, and it seems as if Drew's life may be back on track.

And I'm still not interested enough to see it. --Joan.

I ain't buyin' it...

I'm beginning to think this marriage ceremony was a big "Ha Ha on You" to the paparazzi and the Hollywood gossip clan. Look at this picture (left); it's ridiculous. Let's break it down, shall we?

1. What's with the dopey fedora? (No to mention the dumbass look on his face... Does he ever wax serious, for even a minute? Or is he always starring in his own version of Punked?)

2. OK! Magazine paid top dollar for the rights to these pictures. Proceeds of which are reportedly going to Hurricane Katrina relief. But I ask, why this dopey-ass choice for the cover? There had to be something better...right? God, I hope so. Or I'm gonna want my $3.50 back.

3. Was is really necessary for her to get this "brided up" for her 3rd wedding? It seems a bit much, no?

and

4. Why did the couple choose OK! Magazine? Not People...Not Entertainment Weekly? But OK!? Or did they just go w/the highest bidder, in which case -- how the hell does OK! (the US version) already have this much money in the kitty to outbid the likes of People?

Well... All's I know is, I want a gander at that marriage license. Cause I ain't buying this crap for one minute. --Joan.

Craig, Daniel Craig...

Seems Mr. Craig's star is rising of late. Recently mentioned in connections with a tawdry affair with Crude Law's ex, Sienna Miller and now, he nabs the most coveted role for all British male actors over a certain age...

A blonde James Bond? Can it work? Only time will tell...

According to E! Online:

"The golden-haired British actor will slip into the tuxedo vacated by Pierce Brosnan as the next James Bond in the upcoming Casino Royale. ... In a dramatic revealing ceremony, the actor was whisked down the Thames River on a military boat Friday before alighting at a waterside news conference, which was held inside a Royal Navy. ... Among the other leading men who were reportedly in the running for the role were Clive Owen, Colin Farrell, Heath Ledger, Orlando Bloom, Ewan McGregor, Hugh Jackman, Eric Bana and Croatian ER hunk Goran Visnijc. ... Casino Royale, the 21st film in the Bond franchise, begins shooting in January in the Czech Republic, the Bahamas, Italy and at Pinewood Studios near London. The finished product is slated for a Nov. 17, 2006 release."

Verbatim

"...there's a fine line between cannibalism and a Man-Snack."--Melissa

A Slut? Moi? No!

More from the Renee Zellwegger "Wake up to reality" files:

Hollywood star Renee Zellweger was so angry with a newspaper's claims she is dating another man, just weeks after her split from husband Kenny Chesney, she stormed into its office to berate the guilty reporter. The New York Post linked Zellweger with former boyfriend, Irish singer Damien Rice, in a report in its PageSix column. The actress was so angry she called the columnist from the reception of the paper's Manhattan office and asked to see him. Zellweger then denied the claims she was planning a trip to visit Rice, telling the journalist, "(It was) hurtful. It wasn't true, it made me look slutty." Zellweger split from Chesney last month, just four months after their whirlwind marriage. [IMDB]

"It made me look slutty..." Oh, no, miss Renee -- you did that all by your little self. --Joan

The truth comes to light...

Finally, Sienna Miller makes it clear, in no uncertain terms, that she has officially dumped Crude Law. And it would seem, she's done so in a fashion that would make most women quite proud:

Actress Sienna Miller has rubbished reports she forgave former fiance Jude Law after his affair with nanny Daisy Wright, insisting she ended their relationship three months ago. British newspapers at the weekend claimed Law had ditched Miller after discovering her alleged affair with actor pal Daniel Craig. But the Alfie actress insists she ended the engagement immediately after finding out about Law's fling with the nanny in July. The 23-year-old star says, "I dumped Jude three months ago. I just could not forgive him for what he did to me. We managed to remain friends but he really hurt me." Rumors of a reconciliation between Miller and Law, 32, were prompted by the fact they were still living together in his London home. But the beauty maintains their co-habitation was just for convenience while she acted in her West End show. She adds, "I moved in with Jude and rented my own flat out. When things got difficult between us I had nowhere else to go. And I've been really busy acting in As You Like It and had no time to find another place. So we have still been living in the same house. It has been really difficult but we've managed to get through." [IMDB]

Well, that'll show him... Now, Sienna, please don't make me have to eat these words...

--Joan.

"No one will hear you scream, ya hear me?"

Cue the "Twilight Zone" music now...



"Now, let me see that toothy grin."



Katie Holmes' mission impossible will be giving birth without painkillers - or screaming. That's because Tom Cruise, is a Scientologist.

Practitioners of Scientology are against drugs but insist on "silent birth" because they believe it's traumatic for babies to hear their mothers groan or cry. "Maintain silence in the presence of birth to save the sanity of the mother and the child and safeguard the home to which they will go," church founder L. Ron Hubbard wrote in his best-selling "Dianetics."

Another famous Scientologist, actress Kelly Preston, told Redbook magazine in 2000 that she screamed for an epidural while giving birth at home to daughter Ella. But her husband, actor John Travolta, who is also a Scientologist, didn't have time to drive Preston to the hospital.

"It got hard-core at the end because she was big," Preston said of her 13-hour ordeal. Travolta later described it as a "beautiful, still experience that lovingly brings a child into the world without screaming or talking."

Of course, he didn't have the baby.

Scientologists also favor seven days of silence for newborns so their first week on Earth is trauma-free. But this has run afoul of state-mandated blood tests, which require at least a pinprick.

TomKat: Spawning already?

Oh geez...People.com is reporting that Katie's preggers. I thought she was a virgin. Hmmm....I'm thinking a turkey baster was somehow involved. --Melissa

Tom Cruise's fiancée, Katie Holmes, is pregnant with the couple's child, Cruise's spokesperson, Lee Anne DeVette, tells PEOPLE exclusively. "Tom and Katie are very excited, and the entire family is very excited," says DeVette.

Cruise, who has two children, Connor, 10, and Isabella, 12, with ex-wife Nicole Kidman, began dating Holmes in mid-April. He proposed to her atop the Eiffel Tower in Paris in June. DeVette says there is no wedding date set.

DeVette would not comment on the baby's gender or say how far along the pregnancy is. The rep did say that Holmes, 26, "has never felt better."

Cruise, 43, is currently shooting Mission: Impossible 3 in Los Angeles. [People]

Here's a paparazzi shot of the two wackos on the MI3 set in LA. Following the typical speculation signs of a baggy, slight bulging tummy area, I guess you can say Katie's carrying the spawn of TC. --Melissa



And you gotta love Conan and his What If They Mated segment...

Is Sharon Stone snorting with Kate???

Geez...what the fuck is this woman talking about? She's clearly talking out of her ass... --Melissa

Sharon Stone has defended Kate Moss, who is reportedly in a rehabilitation clinic in Arizona, saying it is not "that dramatic of a deal to fail, to make a mistake."

"Whether or not a (fashion) house stands with her, or not, through it says more about the house than it does about her because someone who doesn't allow someone to fail, to grow, that would say a lot about them if they left her."

"I think it is really terrific that someone makes a mistake, takes responsibility for it and deals with it." [Yahoo]

It's OVAH! Part 256,567,063,324,667,875

Another one bites the dust. This one was only a matter of time. According to Us Weekly, that time is now.

Enter, if you dare...

This transcript of a J&M convo is loosely based on pop-culture. Emphasis on the word: loosely. Since there is a slight thread of J&M potential, we decided to post it here for your enjoyment. And now, without further ado...

Melissa: I’ve heard these two are dating, but here they are canoodling…
Kate and LOTR guy from Lost:

Joan: Hmm. If I were her, I’d go after jin.

M: I’d go after Sawyer.

J: Does the pope shit in the woods?

M: Does the pope wear a funny hat?

J: Does a bear watch the pope while he shits in the woods?

M: Does then a monkey come along and fling that shit at the pope and bear?

J: Yes, but he’s wearing the pope’s hat.

M: Is the bear wearing the pope’s robe?

J: No, the pope’s wearing the bear’s robe.

M: So the bear’s naked?

J: Yes, but the stubble covers his naughty bits well enough.

M: Who’s shaving the bear?

J: The monkey, duh...

M: Oooooh….it’s all making sense now.

Kal-el Coppola Cage Superman Kent Lane

Well, another case of poor judgment in baby naming has reared its ugly little head in La La Land. Here is a conversation between me and a couple friends. --Joan

JL: Okay, people. The OFFICIAL worst celebrity baby name EVER has just come down the pike. You ready? Nicolas Cage, 41, and his 21-year-old wife have apparently officially gone off the deep end and named their precious new baby son Kal-el. Yes, you read that correctly. Kal-el. As in, the birth name of Superman.
I can't... I just... too many things...my head has just exploded.

JR: Wow. I thought it would be Elvis Aaron Presley cage... But who knew he was a bigger superman fan than an Elvis one.

PHM: Even Jerry Seinfeld didn't go that far. Granted, he picked a wacky name... but Kal-el is probably the worst I've heard. And that brings us to this question:

Is it worse to name your child after a piece of fruit, or after a fictional movie character? Either way, the kid's screwed...but who's MORE screwed?

JR: I think this might be worse... Cause not only does it say your parents are weird, but that they're comic-book weird as well. And that ain't right.

PHM: Maybe it would've been less weird if he'd gone with Superman's assumed identity. His kid could've been Clark Kent Coppola Cage. It's nice and alliterative.

JR: Why is he adding Cage anyway? It's his acting persona. Not his given name. Look, here's the reasons why Cage is a fah-reak:

He is an Elvis fanatic; and I'm not talking he knows all the lyrics and has been to Graceland... I'm talking: he dropped thousands upon thousands to buy one of Elvis' credit cards... (which is essentially, just a piece of plastic.)

He married Elvis' daughter...for 4 months. Her marriage to Michael Jackson lasted longer... That says something.

He married Patricia Arquette, asked her to marry him on the 1st date, and after getting married, the two lived in separate homes.

Now this...

There's more... I just can't remember.

You don't know me, ma'am.

The day after the event with Viggo, I went to Beverly Hills with some friends. While walking along Rodeo, we spotted Bill Mahar and some dude walking up the street in our direction. He was looking cool, casual, and nonchalant, just chatting it up with his buddy. A woman runs up to him and says, "You look like someone I should know. Should I know who you are?" Continuing his nonchalant demeanor, he says, "No, I don't think so."

My Friday night with Viggo

Friday night, I went to the screening of "A History of Violence" up in LA with a friend who's a member of SAG. Every year, SAG randomly picks members to be on the nomination committee for the SAG Awards and send these people passes to screenings of current movies that will usually include a Q&A session with the actors from the movies. My friend, Bill, got picked and being that I luuuuurve Viggo, he invited me up and off we went!

The movie was pretty good with a few intense violent scenes and a couple of pretty hardcore, hot sex scenes between Viggo and Maria Bello who plays his wife. Being that it's directed by David Cronenburg, the intensity of the film is not surprising. The thing that I loved the most was that no matter how raw and explicit these scenes were, you (at least, I) didn't walk out of there thinking how gratuitous or unnecessary they were to the point of the movie. The tone was very controlled, the doses of violence and sex were well thought-out and injected in perfect amounts needed to convey the certain emotions that were needed from you as a viewer.

Bill mentioned that he thought the villains were too black and white. Completely evil, one-dimensional. The movie is based on a graphic novel by the same name so that probably adds to the evil-without-a-doubt, one-dimensionality of the villains. They were pissed, remorseless, and completely focused on getting their job done.

After the movie was over, Ashton Holmes, Maria Bello, and Viggo (he was a few minutes late due to traffic—-DAMN LA!) came out for the Q&A session. Viggo came out in a suit with what underneath??? A freakin' Mets jersey! How random, but how perfect! Is he not the perfect man?!?!?!?! Anyhoo, the interviewer onstage got the conversation rolling with a couple of questions and then people from the audience started asking their questions. Of course as expected almost all the questions people had were about the sex scenes. They all took their time answering everyone's questions patiently and thoroughly without any sense of arrogance or rush. I was quite impressed, no air of high-and-mightiness. Viggo's very soft-spoken, which if you’ve seen any interviews with him, you'll know this. Even with a mic, it was hard for me to hear everything he was saying (especially with my goddamned poor hearing). One man in the audience stated that he was disturbed by the sex scenes and Viggo's response: "Maybe you needed to be disturbed." Maria Bello said her dad was surprisingly OK with watching "his daughter getting banged on the staircase but freaked out when he saw my pubic hair." She said she tried to explain the symbolism of the frontal nudity to him but all he was hearing was "blah, blah, blah."

All in all, it was very cool to see *swooning* Viggo *swooning* and more *swooning* (the man is simply gorgeous)......... The movie was really good. And Maria Bello and Ashton Holmes are pretty damn short!

Throwing it all away for this fine piece o' ass

Kate Moss has been dating Pete Doherty, a rocker in the band Babyshambles. As we all know she's been caught snorting thick-ass lines of coke, has been let go from all sorts of high profile modeling contracts, and has now admitted herself to drug rehab. And this is the hottie she's been through it all with... Ain't you jealous?

Tell me, was this necessary?

Why did they feel the need to marry? It seems so silly. Seriously, they should have just continued to shack up -- they would have been taken more seriously. --Joan.

Looks like they pulled a Zeta-Jones/Douglas deal...

"According to late news, it seems that Demi Moore and her new husband Ashton Kutcher sold their wedding photos for $3 million to OK! Magazine.

Moore, 42, and Kutcher, 27, who got married on Sept. 24, 2005 in Beverly Hills, California, in front of 100 guests, during a brief, traditional ceremony, kept the event secret.

But, according to America's New York Daily News newspaper, they sold their wedding photos and gave an exclusive interview to OK! Magazine.

The newspaper claims the money will be donated to Habitat for Humanity, for the victims of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita." SOFTPEDIA

It's OVAH! Part 3

...and they thought it would last forever. I like how her cover-issue of Vanity Fair is still on the stands and the engagement is off. Inside, you'll find a raving fiancee and a multitude of unecessary photo ops of the couple in all their pre-nuptial bliss. NOT! Please, there wasn't enough peroxide on the planet to withstand this couple's needs -- they had to call it quits. --Joan,

"Following weeks of speculation that their relationship was on the fritz, Hilton gave a brief statement to Us Weekly Friday announcing she and Latsis have scuttled wedding plans.

"I'm sad to announce that I've called off my engagement. Over the last couple months I've realized that this is the right decision for me. We remain best of friends, and I'll always love him," she said. "I hope people will respect my privacy during this emotional time." E! Online

...and now he can't take a joke.

Tom Cruise is not only f'd in the head, but he can't take a joke. Check this out:

"Tom Cruise is furious, after learning of a fake press release heralding his plans to lecture on the evils of psychiatry. Among the reputed topics that the star was falsely said to be touching upon at his religion's Scientology Celebrity Center headquarters in Los Angeles next month, were, "How Psychiatry Invented Schizophrenia" and "Handling Sexual DisOrientation". But Cruise's attorney Bert Fields, says he plans to track down whoever is behind the fake release, telling Radar Online, "It's totally phony. Tom is not giving any lectures... In my view, it's forgery, wire fraud and, apparently, committed on an interstate basis. You could tell from looking at the names of the supposed lectures that it's nothing that comes from Tom. You know, 'Out of the Closet and into the Auditing Room' is not something Tom is going to put as the name of a lecture. He's not, in fact, giving any lectures. If he did I would sell tickets." Cruise sparked controversy earlier this year, when he attacked Brooke Shields for taking medicated drugs to help her through her postpartum depression." IMDB

I just think it's funny that the following statement was made in the same entertainment news cycle...

"Nicole Kidman has spoken out in defense of psychiatry, months after her ex-husband Tom Cruise publicly denounced the medical practice....After researching her role as psychiatrist for her next movie The Visiting, Kidman is a full supporter of the benefits of psychiatry. She says, "I have a father who is a psychologist, so my life has been research. Yeah, of course (psychiatry is worthwhile). I think all sorts of things do, in terms of Buddhism, in terms of therapy. I think people choose things that they need that are going to help them. And obviously, I've seen my father do some magnificent work." IMDB

Makes you think, how the hell did that marriage last for ten years, when they were so clearly unsuited. And the balls on Cruise to blast psychology -- when his former father-in-law was a psychologist! --Joan.