That Sonogram Machine Might Come in Handy

...Tom should use it to find out if he really has a brain in the dumb skull of his. Well, now he's not only pissed off the Psychiatrists'/Psychologists'' Associations and the AMA, but the SDMS with his latest foray into freakdom:

The Society of Diagnostic Medical Sonography (SDMS) has raised concerns about press reports that actors Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have purchased an ultrasound machine and will do their own sonograms. While Cruise's offer to donate the machine to a hospital after the baby is born is laudable, the Society is concerned about the safety of Cruise's decision to purchase a medical device and perform a medical diagnostic procedure without appropriate training.

Read the rest of the article and the press release from the SDMS here.

Bennifer2 Give Birth

...but does anyone really give a crap? I'm so bored w/this couple already. They chose a slightly normal name, Violet -- except that Violet Affleck has no melody whatsoever. Hey, at least it's not Moxie Crimefighter or Pilot Inspektor.

Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are first-time parents, with the birth of their daughter Thursday night in Los Angeles, their reps confirm to PEOPLE.

Affleck's publicist, Ken Sunshine, and Garner's spokeswoman, Nicole King, said the child was born at 6:26 p.m. ET Thursday, after several news outlets erroneously reported Garner had already given birth nearly five hours earlier.

"Mother, father and baby are doing great," the reps said in a statement. No further details were released. (People)

Golden Delicious

It's official, sorta: Gywennie and Chris are preggars... and Apple is going to be a big sis. The question remains: what will they name the new Martin?

Gwyneth Paltrow is pregnant with her second baby. The news follows months of rumours the actress - who has a baby daughter, Apple, with husband Coldplay star Chris Martin - was expecting again

The pregnancy has been confirmed by a reliable source, according to Britain's Evening Standard newspaper

The actress and husband Chris have remained tight-lipped about rumours they are having another baby - although Gwyneth has previously hinted she was expecting

In October, the Oscar-winning beauty - who previously admitted she wanted a bigger family - told a press conference that there were "two Paltrows in the room" while patting her bulging stomach (Female First UK)

Pitt, Jolie: In the Family Way

Well, for a couple who is unwilling to admit they're actually seeing each other, things sure are progressing in a commited fashion. (Left AP Photo: Brad, holding Zahara, arriving in Japan for the premiere of Mr. and Mrs. Smith.) Looks like Brad will be playing Daddy to Jolie's kids...and making it legal:

...Pitt has filed legal papers in Los Angeles to adopt the children of actress Angelina Jolie, news media reported on Friday, adding that this might be a step leading to the couple's marrying.

Life & Style magazine said Pitt, 41, has filed to become the legal adopted father of Jolie's two children, Maddox, 4, and Zahara, 10 months. They will go by the last name of Jolie-Pitt when the legal steps are completed, the magazine said, quoting a representative for Pitt...

"The ink isn't even dry on the adoption papers, and Brad is literally jumping for joy," the magazine quoted an unnamed "insider" as saying. "He's calling friends and telling them the great news."

Meanwhile, In Touch magazine reported that the couple is expected to marry soon and have already drawn up a prenuptial agreement, primarily to benefit the two children." (Reuters)

There are no words...

...except that, I guess Scientologists don't believe in the dangers of excess exposure to radiation. A healthy dose of vitamin C should take care of that.

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Not every family can afford one at a price tag of up to $200,000 but actor Tom Cruise says he bought a sonogram machine for his pregnant fiancée Katie Holmes so that they can monitor the development of their child.

In an interview with ABC's Barbara Walters to be aired on a November 29 television special about the "most fascinating people of 2005," Cruise said: "I'm going to donate it to a hospital when we are done."

A sonogram machine, which uses ultra-sound to look at a fetus's development, can cost between $150,000 and $200,000, according to People Magazine which published excerpts from the interview on Wednesday.

Cruise said he did not know the gender of the child but said if he did, he would not reveal it. Walters then asked him, "So what do you see?" and he answered "a little baby."

It's OVAH, Part ... Oh, I've lost count.

After just three short years of wedded bliss, Nick and Jessica have called it quits. (Melissa, what was our over/under in the pool on this? I think one of us won some cash.) Frankly, I'm surprised it lasted this long, what w/her vacant stares and clear mental incapacity and his waning career... there was bound to be tension. And let's face it, he was mainly in for the poon. Once the novelty of that wore off, he realized he was stuck w/an airhead, whose bottle of bleach was smarter than she was.



Here's E! Online's scoop:

This time it's for real. Honest.

After months of speculation on their marital status, Newlywed duo Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have come clean and announced they are breaking up.

"After three years of marriage, and careful thought and consideration, we have decided to part ways," the couple says in a joint statement issued by their respective publicists, Meredith O'Sullivan and Rob Shooter.

"This is the mutual decision of two people with an enormous amount of respect and admiration for each other. We hope that you respect our privacy during this difficult time."

There was no immediate word on whether a divorce was in the offing.

God knows what her crazy father, Joe Simpson, is going to do now that his daughter is getting divorced. Will he make her wear that crazy ring again? Does she have to become a "re-virgin"?

So, I wonder if this book (left) is going to go out of print. "How to Achieve your Dream Wedding." Maybe she should have been more concerned about a "Dream Marriage" instead. Hmm. Maybe I should snatch one up on Amazon. It might be a collector's item soon. --Joan.

Vince dishes over coffee

I don't have actual proof that the nose hair situation has been tended to, but a girl can dream, right?

Shop-a-Holic

On November 11th, yours truly attended the Lucky Shops event, hosted by Lucky Magazine -- a favorite of both Melissa and I. The event took place at Gotham Hall in NYC, and although I spent less than a planned (never a bad thing) it was a fab time.

Encircling the pantheon were 50 or so vendors, namely Chaiken, Marc Jacobs, Mblem, Delman, Bliss, Siegor Morrison, Lauren Merkin, and the Bluefly shop.

I picked up a fabulous Lauren Merkin bag for a steal (almost 75% off the original price!)...similar to this one. And some various other sundries.

On to the next shopping event ... Ciao! --Joan

Once in a lifetime...

The 11th Hofstra Presidential Conference: The New Democrat from Hope, President William Jefferson Clinton. November 10th, 2005. Hofstra University: Hempstead, NY.

Anyone who knows me well, knows I have a deep and abiding love for the man I feel was this nation's greatest president, Bill Clinton. That's why I'm so proud that I was able to hear him speak at my alma mater, Hofstra University. (Thank God for Francis... ;)

President Clinton addressed nearly 5,000 students, alumni, faculty, guests and former cabinet members/colleagues at the Hofstra Arena on November 10th. After a brief introduction by former Secretary of State Madeline Albright, Clinton quickly had the crowd enthralled...his command for public speaking is simply remarkable...

He spoke on many subjects, tailoring his speech to those would be politicians in the audience. He detailed his administration's successes and owned up to the mistakes that were made along with things that could have been done somewhat differently. It is rare to hear a politician accept responsibility for their policies and shortcomings (something our current administration is certainly having a hard time doing).

Clinton discussed his impeachment, in a now famous and much bandied about statement...which I will refrain from discussing here, since I feel "My bobby" has suffered enough on this topic. By the end of the speech, Clinton had stirred the crowd to a frothy mixture of hope, pride and excitement. I was absolutely buoyed up by the idea I had just witnessed a once in a lifetime privilege. Something I will always be thankful for and look back on with extreme pleasure.

Post speech, Clinton was awarded and honorary doctorate in Humane Letters by Hofstra's president. After which, there was some mulling around on the stage. What happened next, no one could have expected, especially since the secret service was in such great force. Clinton began walking down the steps of the platform and headed for the crowd. "The president's going to shake some hands," said a voice from the microphone. I knew one thing, and one thing only -- I HAD to get down there...

But, as I was in the first level of elevated seats, the security guards were not allowing anyone floor access. Keeping an eye on the progress down on the floor, I managed to work my way thru the throng of people, raced down the steps to the first floor, ran out onto the floor sections and to the crowd of people Clinton was shaking hands with. He was almost near the exit by the time I arrived...and I managed only to get 3-4 people deep from him... Although I didn't get to shake his hand, I did get to see him up close -- and, can I just say, the man is stunning. My Bubba love has only deepened.

*Sigh* It was a good night. :) --n

Our NY correspondant...

Our girl, Joan, is making her rounds at the Clinton appearance at Hofstra University in LI today. She'll be back with more!

Does this man ever sleep?

Vince Vaughn looks perpetually sleep-deprived. Here he is making an appearance at the Zathura, A Space Adventure premiere this weekend at the Mann Village Theatre.



And homeboy seriously needs a freakin' nose hair clipper.



Source: Just Jared

Eating my words...

Congratulations! Sienna Miller, you are the winner of this year's Dumb Shit Award! The winner of the 2005 Dumb Shit Award receives a lifetime of unhappiness, constant paranoia, and deep-seated insecurity in your relationship with a known cheater. We, on the panel of Dumb Shit voters, trust you'll be happy with this award for a short time -- but no doubt you will come to regret the decision that has made you the 2005 Dumb Shit Award recipient.

From Softpedia:

The romance between Jude Law and Sienna Miler restarts. The two have had an on-and-off relationship since Jude confessed to cheating with the nanny. Rumors also talked of a fling between Sienna and next Bond, Daniel Craig. In spite of all this, the actress, her mum and Jude were seen at top London restaurant Raoul's, where it seems that the couple decided to start over again.

Got Spunk?

Well, if you're itching to get knocked-up in one of two ways: naturally (which, in this case may make the second way more desirable) or through IVF...then today's your lucky day. Independent actor/director/lunatic Vincent Gallo is making his sperm available to those who want to ensure their offspring will be insanely eccentric and a blight on the face of humanity. Here's the scoop from IMDB:

An internet site is offering controversial film maker Vincent Gallo's sperm for sale for $1 million. VGMerchandise.com - which calls itself "the official website for Vincent Gallo merchandise" - includes a detailed agreement whereby wannabe mothers can pay for Gallo to inseminate them by in vitro fertilization (IVF) or even naturally for an extra $500,000, a fee it alleges he will waive if he deems the woman attractive enough. The site details the actor/director's physical attributes: "Mr. Gallo is 5 feet 11 inches and has blue eyes. There are no known genetic deformities in his ancestry and no history of congenital diseases. If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of the genitals if it's a boy (eight inches if he's like his father)." It also recommends his sharp features would "blend well with a softer, more subtly featured female."

Here's more from the site's description of this...um...potential transaction (and I hope you're prepared to be offended):

Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration. In fact, for the next 30 days, he is offering a $50,000 discount to any potential female purchaser who can prove she has naturally blonde hair and blue eyes. Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this discount. Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion. This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar. To be clear, the purchase of Mr. Gallo's sperm does not include the use of the name Gallo. The purchaser must find another surname for the child.

...I wonder if Roger Ebert will give this performance two thumbs down? --Joan

Tom Pulls the Purse Strings

Looks like batshit insane Tom Cruise is asking his brainwashed and knocked up wife-to-be, Katie Holmes, to sign a prenup...*GASP* Guess all those gratuitous PDAs and couch-jumping exploits do have monetary worth after all... Can't expect a Scientologist to part with his cash so quickly, unless of course it's to be donated directly into the reliquary that is L. Ron Hubbard's urn. Here's what MSNBC has to say about the prenup negotiations:

Holmes's father, Martin, is a lawyer and is representing his daughter in the negotiations, reports the upcoming issue of The Star.

Martin Holmes is playing hardball with the prenup negotiations, according to the tab, which quotes a source as saying that Holmes wants to make sure that his daughter will receive "a lump sum payment in the millions if the marriage should dissolve before the five-year mark."

Such terms are unusual for a prenup, which usually awards a spouse more money for a longer marriage, but, the source tells the mag: "The Holmes family would never tell Katie if they thought her marriage was doomed from the get-go, but they are pressuring her to hold out not only to protect her interests, but those of her child."

Stay tuned, there's bound to be more. ;) --Joan

My Brush with Fame, Part Tres

October 28th, 2005.
Book Revue. Huntington, NY.
Live Taping: The Al Franken Show
Book Signing/Tour: The Truth (With Jokes)

Caught The Al Franken road show on it's Long Island stop at the Book Revue in Huntington. Al taped his 3-hour show live in front of a crowd of about 150. Al welcomed guests by phone and in person, including Sen. Barbara Boxer and a local historian who proved that Bill O'Reilly is actually from Westbury -- not Levittown, as he'd have you believe. (Quite funny.) During the show, the indictment of "Scooter" Libby, White House Chief of Staff to VP Cheney came down. (How a grown man can be called "Scooter" and be taken seriously is beyond me....) We all sat and listened to history in the making... awed by Prosecutor Fitzgerald's straight-forwardness and lack of partisanship. It's actually possible for a Bush appointee to be non-partisan. Who knew?

After the taping, Al read a touching chapter from his latest book...dealing with the last moments of his father's life. Then he signed copies for anxious fans. He was cordial and took time w/each guest, graciously agreeing to take pictures with everyone. That's me and mom in the pic above. Along w/some shots from the rest of the day.

:) --Joan.

Need a costume idea for Halloween?

The New York Post has thoughtfully suggested this catty costume:

The Katie Holmes

Send them screaming down the street in "The Katie Holmes" - a re-creation of the moment in May when the starlet returned from her whirlwind European courtship with Tom Cruise with curious lesions around her mouth. Compliment your look with L.Ron Hubbard reading material and a cushy couch for convenient spasms of emotion. [NY Post]

The mystery revealed...

Since Renee Zellwegger's marriage to Kenny Chesney and his perpetual cowboy hat wearing ways have made me give him more brain power than the man ever deserves. Joan and I have spoken and wondered just what the hell is under that hat...and here it is.

Toothless Spice

HA HA! You gotta love the British rags. They just won't leave the Becks alone, always stirring up something...



I know it takes a lot of hard work – and cash – to look as good as VICTORIA BECKHAM.

But I never realised her smile cost her £25,000. Mrs Becks paid £2,500 per tooth to have ten prominent gnashers whitened — but now she could be at risk of losing them all. [The Sun]

This week's installment of WTF???

Melissa, are you sitting?
Deep, cleansing breaths...

Lost actor in home gunpoint robbery

He may play a tough guy on TV, but actor Josh Holloway, who plays Sawyer on Lost, was just as scared as the rest of us when he and his wife were robbed at gunpoint at his home in Hawaii....The actor and his wife were awoken just after four in the morning by intruders. The burglars escaped with money and credit cards. They also stole the couple's Mercedes-Benz car to get away. The vehicle was later found abandoned. After the incident Holloway said: "My family and I are fine and appreciate everyone's concerns and good thoughts. "We are very grateful for the help of the Honolulu police department and the support of the local community." [THE SCOTSMAN]

Shheeeeeshhh. --Joan

Why THE SOUP is funny...

Watch it, trust me. It's good stuff. --Joan

May We Suggest?
"[Britney and Kevin] have named their baby Preston Michael Spears Federline. Preston Michael, that's not weird at all. What no Apple, no Jermajesty, no Pilot Inspektor? You still have a couple of days before the ink dries on the birth certificate, so why not consider a few more appropriate celebrity baby names. That's right it's time for The Soup's very own "May We Suggest?" Mr. and Mrs. Federline, may we suggest:

• Winston-Salem Spears
• Cool Ranch Federline
• I.M. Legitimate Federline the First
• Pabst Spears
• Roscoe P. Coe Federline

Shirley Temple Versus Paris Hilton
"Former child star Shirley Temple Black has blasted Paris Hilton, saying that those like the partying heiress are 'stealing the thunder from really talented actors who have learned their craft.' Hilton blasted back saying, 'Shirley Temple? Your drink totally sucks! I had, like, six, and I didn't even get wasted!' "

Ashton & Demi's Wedding
"In a traditional Kabbalah ceremony, 42-year-old Demi Moore and 27-year-old Ashton Kutcher reportedly were married over the weekend. So there. May-December romances work. And suddenly my swimsuit poster of Angela Landsbury doesn't seem so very wrong, does it?"

Read more...