Joan & Melissa's Emmy Round-up

J&M look back at the Emmy fashions, condoning some while rippings new ones for others. Enjoy.


JOAN: debra messing
JOAN: from this angle, i like the dress
JOAN: but, otherwise, i think it's too much
MELISSA: i think she looked good, cleaned up pretty good
MELISSA: it's ok, nothing spectacular
JOAN: too mermaidy


JOAN: now, i love pam... u know i do. but...
MELISSA: but oof
JOAN: the bow, the pattern
JOAN: she looks like she's trapped in drapes
MELISSA: grandma's curtains were meant to stay on the rod
MELISSA: jinx
JOAN: no shit
MELISSA: it's awful
JOAN: who is her stylist?
JOAN: they s/b fired
MELISSA: she may not have one
MELISSA: i think she took too many painkillers that morning
JOAN: yeah, not quite hollywood elite
MELISSA: not yet


MELISSA: ellen pompeo
JOAN: oy vey.
JOAN: dress ain't bad... but the hair!!!!
MELISSA: the hair blows
MELISSA: really too big
JOAN: i like the necklace, i think
MELISSA: takes away from the entire look of the demure dress and elegant jewelry


JOAN: vanessa williams...
JOAN: like a fucking flightless bird
JOAN: awful
MELISSA: feather duster
MELISSA: i wonder if those feathers were coming out all night long, floating up into the air
JOAN: ugh. stop with the feathers
JOAN: it's not necessary
MELISSA: it's cheap
MELISSA: and tacky
JOAN: it really is.


MELISSA: hayden, from heroes
JOAN: i was just gonna say
JOAN: she looks ridiculous
MELISSA: a parachute draped around her midsection
JOAN: completely overwhelming
MELISSA: a deflated ball gown
JOAN: she can sneak in her entire family to the after party under that thing.


JOAN: who is this becki newton? and why is she being strangled by lace?
MELISSA: she's on ugly betty
JOAN: ah
MELISSA: becki newton's dress looks like it from three different dresses
MELISSA: sewn together
JOAN: it so does. it's a frankendress
MELISSA: yup


MELISSA: katherine heigl
MELISSA: it's ok, does nothing for me
JOAN: not impressed
JOAN: bor-ing


JOAN: ugh, on my worst dressed for sure: jamie pressly
MELISSA: hell yeah
JOAN: it's a schmata
MELISSA: it is
MELISSA: she looks like she's boarding the titanic
JOAN: and she knows it's goin' down
MELISSA: no shit
MELISSA: why would she want to drown in that?
JOAN: buoyancy


MELISSA: how about kate walsh?
MELISSA: kate had a tumbleweed pinned to the side of her head


JOAN: oh, minnie driver... i loved her dress and look
JOAN: the whole package
MELISSA: minnie, loved the yellow
MELISSA: love that color
JOAN: cut on the bias... just lovely
JOAN: not digging the cuff... but... really well done


MELISSA: eva longwhoria
MELISSA: loved the dress
JOAN: i refuse to talk about her
JOAN: she makes me ill
JOAN: not more ill than terri hatcher, however


MELISSA: terri's dress was pretty and not much else
MELISSA: baby pink color was nice


MELISSA: america ferrera?
MELISSA: the horizontal rouching? really bad idea
JOAN: off-full
JOAN: just terrible.
JOAN: by now, she should know what works for her body and this isn't it.



JOAN: are u ready for this...
JOAN: it's definitely going to be our agreed upon worst dressed
MELISSA: oh i know
MELISSA: what was she thinking?
JOAN: right?
MELISSA: It looks like JoAnn’s was having a clearance on the cotton summer fabrics and she went nuts.

The luckiest bitch in HWood

Goddamn that Scarlet Johanssen. Not only does she get all the good roles out there, but she has men fighting over her, and then lands this piece of Canadian ass. Frig me. I give up. Now, it may not look like it from the pic above, but here's what's under that hat, sweater and beard:

Hey dumbass....

Guess what? I have extensions, too. And you know what? It's OK to brush them.
Friggin' dirtbag.

Did I miss the 5 o'clock crack giveaway?

To no one's surprise,
all the coke at the after party went missing.

Dang...

Damn Mario... Saved by the Bell infriggindeed. OOOOOOOOf. May I have detention? I'll help him clean the erasers... Yum.

That's one rough uppercut

Someone's been fucking with Oscar de la Hoya... that someone better have health insurance.

A person that is identified as Oscar de la Hoya is pictured online in fishnet photos and in panties and pumps. The Golden Boy boxer insists that it is not him in the photos and is threatening legal action against the photo agency that has posted the photos online. A paparazzi agency (X17 Online) has obtained the photos and they claim that they are real....According to a source cited by Rush and Molloy of the New York Daily News the photos are being peddled by a Gotham strip club dancer. She reportedly is Scores West dancer, according to R. Couri Hay, the Gotham magazine columnist who scored the first interview with the twenty-something woman. [nat'l ledger]

Here's what x17 has to say:

...we got a letter from Oscar's lawyer today and while they'd love us to take down the pix, they didn't initially dispute their authenticity! Oscar's peeps now claim in their statements to the media, that the photos are fake ... YOU decide!

My thoughts, after looking at the photos: It was probably a kinky little gag he pulled in a hotel room getting freaky and drunk with a woman, who was obviously very persuasive. Who cares really? I mean, if it's a matter of 'this is the only way he can get turned on' thing -- that might be a deal breaker... but all in good fun? eh, whatever.

Break out the Manolos

OOOOh, so exciting. Big & Carrie back together again!

Sarah Jessica Parker and Chris Noth looked quite cozy on the set in New York City, Sept. 19, 2007. The first shots of the upcoming movie confirm that something is going on with the dramatic TV couple, but "Sex and the City" fans will have to wait for the movie's release to find out what happens..." [abc]

There are no words

Hands down, the oddest couple ever: Kathy Griffin and Apple co-founder, Steve Wozniak.

Quips Griffin...“The thing is he doesn’t realize that I am the brains of the operation and he is like some dumb bimbo that I picked up!” The "brains of the operation" was on Larry King Live last night gushing even further about her new love...in her own brash, offensive, and funny way. She asked King, " What do you make, Lar? You make a few million a year? He craps that out for lunch. I mean this guy has so much money -- but I love him for his personality." [us weekly]

The View's Schmarty New Host

Hey, that Sherri Shepherd's a smart gal. Not only doesn't she believe in evolution (which, fine whatever... a lot of people don't. So, that's not the weirdest thing I've ever heard) but she said she's never really thought about the world being round or flat -- the jury's still out on that one for her. Not for nothing, but she might wanna peruse some satellite photos or, gee, I don't know -- a FUCKING MAP? I'm pretty sure this one still leaves out cookies for Santa. OOOf.

Watch the video here.

Ms. Spears, please pee in this cup

As if BritBrit's world hasn't been a tempest in a teacup of late... now this:

A judge on Tuesday ordered Spears...to undergo random drug testing in the latest twist in her bitter custody battle with ex-husband Kevin Federline. Los Angeles Superior Court judge Scott Gordon said that, according to evidence presented in closed door hearings, Spears, 25, remains a "habitual, frequent, and continuous" user of "controlled substances and alcohol," court documents showed. "The petitioner (Spears) is ordered to undergo testing for the use of controlled substances and alcohol," the court order stated. "Testing shall be conducted twice per week on random dates and times." If there was any small break for Spears it was that the judge did not immediately change the existing shared custody deal between Spears and Federline for their two young boys, two-year-old Sean Preston, and one-year-old Jayden James. [afp]

I have every confidence she will fuck this up. There's something not right with the world when Kevin Federline is the more responsible parent.

BREAKING NEWS!!! Like I said, she's already fucking this shit up:

Shortly after a judge declared that Britney Spears is a “habitual” drug and alcohol user and must undergo twice-weekly random testing if she wishes to keep 50/50 custody of her two children, the singer, 25, coped by . . . clubbing. Swarmed by photographers, Spears and two pals kicked off her Tuesday night at West Hollywood club Winston’s before heading over to Hyde. [us weekly]

Guess this makes us 'Fanilows'

By now, you've heard Melis and I rant about the View's Elisabeth Hasselbeck ad nauseum. Well, look who's jumped on our swingin' bandwagon, baby -- yeah!

In a message posted on [BARRY MANILOW'S] Website Monday, the pop icon announced he has scuttled a Tuesday appearance on The View because he did not want to take a seat next to Elisabeth Hasselbeck. "I wanted to let you know that I will no longer be on The View tomorrow as scheduled. I had made a request that I be interviewed by Joy [Behar], Barbara [Walters] or Whoopi [Goldberg] but not Elisabeth Hasselbeck," he wrote. "Unfortunately, the show was not willing to accommodate this simple request, so I bowed out."...Said Manilow: "It's really too bad, because I've always been a big supporter of the show, but I cannot compromise my beliefs..."An avid Democratic supporter and contributor for years, Manilow has already maxed out his contributions this year, donating $2,300 each to the presidential campaigns of Barack Obama, Hilary Clinton, Joseph Biden and John Edwards. (He also wrote a similar check to Republican contrarian Ron Paul.) He has portrayed his View adieu as a philosophical clash with the conservative Hasselbeck. TMZ quoted Manilow as saying, "I strongly disagree with her views. I think she's dangerous and offensive. I will not be on the same stage as her." [e!]

AS IF!

Vegan Alicia Silverstone is baring all for a new PETA ad. Oddly, the ad is not anti-fur, but pro-vegetarianism. I'm not sure what being naked has to do with eating veggies. I guess they want you to see that you can have a great body without eating meat. *shrugs* Who knows?

What the?

Kylie needs an intervention. Someone call Kojo quick!

The similarities are astounding!

Dang, the real J&M are way nastier, but no less sassy, than the fake ones. ;) Joan and Melissa are blogging it Emmyside this year, sans red carpet. Check out this dig at emmyswithjoan.com:

6:30: Joan: They shouldn’t show America Ferrera and the Good Year Blimp in the same shot.

Joan: She’s been pulled together without braces, but with hair and make-up.

Melissa: And she’s not really ugly.

Joan: But don’t make us lie, and say she’s gorgeous, she’s just unattractive. And don’t think it isn’t a coincidence that the Good Year blimp has a blue streak on it.

Melissa: Who are you wearing?

Joan: Good Year.

Melissa: If you look closely her nails look gorgeous. We have the same manicurist. Thanks, Mila!

It's actually a decent site, which contains video, photos, up-to-the-minute postings and commentary. Overall, ladies -- thumbs up. Proves that no one does the red carpet quite like y'all.

You gotta catch this...

The Soup and Seth Green are fucking brilliant. If you missed Green's interpretation of that crazy-ass Britney fan from YouTube, then check it out on the Soup's myspace page. It's friggin' hee-larious. Green should win a friggin' emmy for this shit. The bit with the eyeliner -- inspired. Kudos.

Watch the video here on MySpace.

So classy

By now, you've all seen the train wreck VH1 is airing, called Rock of Love (like Flavor of Love, but with washed-up and banged-up one-time heartthrob Bret Michaels). The gals vying for the title of Bret's main squeeze are possibly THE most banged-up chicks this side of the northern hemisphere. One in particular is a stripper called Brandi M., whose credits include the following (based on VH1.com's profile page):

Brandi M.

• Hometown: Buffalo, NY
• Single because there is too much temptation
• Has 6 tattoos
• Mom is her best friend
• She can fit her fist in her mouth

Brandi classed it up on last week's ep big time. And Bret is such a sucker for a classy broad. Brandi got shitfaced and threw up, Bret holding her hair back. Mid-blowing chunks, Brandi turned to Bret and said she 'really wanted to make this work.' To which Bret responded:

"When I was holding your hair back as you were throwing up over the toilet and you turned to me saying how much you loved me and how you really wanted to make this work, it really made me believe in what you were saying."

Now, tell me: Who's the idiot in this scenario?

We're phoning in this round

Melissa, don't bother gettin' all fancy and dolled-up this Sunday night. Bring over a bucket of KFC and get in your jammies:

Joan Rivers will be missing from the red carpet scene at the Emmy Awards on Sunday night, but she'll still be cracking wise about it — on the Web. Rivers, 74, and her daughter, Melissa, 39, will blog about the telecast's most memorable moments and fashion hits and misses on emmyswithjoan.com, a special section of the Web site VH1Eyecandy.com, VH1 announced Monday. Their commentary will be seen in an online video and heard in two video podcasts wrapping up the red-carpet and awards-show portions of the night, VH1 said. [ap]

What a dumb shit...

Proof that Paris has shit for brains and diarrhea of the mouth:

Paris Hilton just can't keep a secret. While attending a Christina Aguilera-sponsored party at LAX nightclub in Las Vegas September 9, the heiress got on the microphone and congratulated Aguilera on her baby news...even though the pop star has never publicly admitted she's pregnant. "Congratulations to the most beautiful pregnant woman in the world, you're gorgeous," Hilton, 26, said to the packed crowd, while Aguilera, 26...sat nearby in uncomfortable silence. [mtv]

Someone's gotta smack a bitch.

Go Home...

Melissa, take her back
to the west coast --
east coast don't
want her
batshit-insane ass.

Put a cork in her mouth...

Just in case anyone thought Rosie brought out the argumentative in Elisabeth Hasselbeck, hold on to your political undies... She just can't help herself... and so topical. She's right on the cutting- edge of journalistic headlines, ain't she? How many months left till maternity leave? Hmm?

Things got a bit heated on “The View” yesterday, when a discussion about the Mormon religion and polygamy turned political...and personal....The tense situation stemmed from a discussion about Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney and his Mormon religion....Walters wondered if that may have an effect on public perception of Romney, a Mormon. Though Romney has publicly condemned the practice, the women made jokes about Romney one day announcing he had another wife — prompting Elisabeth Hasselbeck to bring up Monica Lewinsky, “the other woman” who “popped up” when President Bill Clinton was in office. At the mention of Lewinsky, Whoopi Goldberg, a public supporter (and friend) of the Clintons, immediately turned on Elisabeth. “I’m asking you to do me a favor because there’s no reason for it today,” Goldberg said. “This has nothing to do with Bill Clinton.” When the conservative Hasselbeck defended “making the jump” from polygamy to Lewinsky (whom she’s brought up before), Walters herself became visibly angered. “This is a good woman who has gotten a masters degree at the London School of Economics!” snapped Walters, her finger pointed in Hasselbeck’s face. After taking a calming breath, Walters continued, “She’s doing her best to have a life. Enough with Monica, everybody can move on.” [access hollywood]

Frankly, I don't know why Babs felt the need to defend Monica... I mean, since the get-go she's been up Monica's ass like -- well, like Guy Ritchie's brand new purple penetrator! -- for what reason, I have no idea. Eh, seriously -- why is this show on for 10+ years? Why?

Why hasn't this occurred to anyone before?

THERE'S A CONSPIRACY
OVER AT NICKELODEON...

yawn...

Look, break up or stay together...but pick one. You're boring me already. If she's seriously having trouble getting hot for Jake, she needs her brain checked. Besides, he should be with a less mind-numbingly boring gal -- Reese is about as interesting as an empty picnic basket. Next!

After six months of on-and-off dating, the pair are kaput. “This is the harshest split they’ve had,” a source tells Us. “Reese told Jake it’s best they don’t talk at all.” [us weekly]

I hope lube was included...

In what's possibly my favorite story or the week, Madonna was seen around London carrying a shopping bag that contained -- gulp -- a giant purple strap-on dildo. (Don'tcha love it when sex shops offer see-thru bags? I mean, I guess they figure if you're going to enter a adult store then you might as well be proud enough to display your purchase to the general populous waiting just outside the tinted-glass doors.)

Celebrating his 39th birthday at London's fashionable Claridges restaurant, the singer chose to whip out from under the table a present which would have made most husbands turn puce....For all his mockney posturings, Guy has always felt slightly inferior about his wife's massive earning power and domineering nature. Madonna on the other hand is said to enjoy occasionally bating him on that point. And this latest birthday gift - a strap-on - is, it seems, no exception.... By the way Madonna is carrying the gift - unusually in a transparent bag - as the couple leave the Mayfair hotel and restaurant, one might assume that Guy had refused to be seen leaving with it....And the singer clearly relished that point as she flashed a broad smile to photographers who she must have known laid in wait since they had followed her earlier from the family home. [daily mail/uk]

Just looking at Guy Ritchie's face in that pic and wondering if he knows what he's in for or if, maybe, this was on his to-do list. Well, gotta hand it to Madge -- she sure knows how to keep things spicy in the boudoir. ;)

Poster Children for Melatonin

Seriously, stay out of the sun you two. The UV rays are really bad for you. At this rate, you'll be shriveled up prunes by 50. SIMMA DOWN NOW.

Make your own judgements...

Rosie is nothing, if not controversial. Since she left the View, she's been busy blogging and penning a new memoir (cause the last one really didn't sum it all up apparently). Here's just a sampling of the TMI she's revealing:

Among the hot topics that Rosie delves into is her painful childhood secret. She writes that as a child, she used to break her own limbs with "a baseball bat" or a "wooden hanger. On page 186, it reads: "My hands and fingers usually. No one knew. My secret." Why? "Proof," she writes, "that I had some value, enough to be fixed." And later, Rosie cryptically adds, "There were many benefits to having a cast. In the middle of the night, it was a weapon." [the insider]

Jesus, the connotation there is disturbing enough, much less the image it provokes. Rosie may be irritating and grating... but, this is truly f'd up history no one should have to have endured.

I'm so excited, I think I just peed myself...

Oh, happy, happy news!!!

America's favorite faux newscaster, who drew mixed reviews for his first stint in 2006, has been picked for a return engagement in February, the film academy announced Wednesday. "I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm," Stewart said Wednesday in a statement from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences. "He did a great job two years ago," Oscar telecast producer Gil Cates told The Associated Press Wednesday. "You need a host who is not afraid of the unexpected, who can stand out and really work a room and deal with a live show. Jon, of course, does that on his show every night." Stewart, 44, is also "a very, very nice guy and very easy to work with," Cates said. [ap]

oh, for pete's sake...

another one who needs a mirror...and therapy.

Oh, for crying out loud...

She really is clueless. Doesn't this woman have handlers, stylists, A MIRROR??? Who goes on stage -- during a live broadcast to like a gazillion people without checking herself in a mirror before? And someone had to design that silly little getup she had on -- you know some asshole told her she looked good and she believed them. I have no sympathy. Boo friggin hoo.

No one was more shocked watching Britney Spears' performance...than the...popstar herself. “She was also able to see video of herself throughout the auditorium,” a backstage source tells Us Weekly. “She flipped out. She came running off the stage, yelling ‘Oh, my God, I looked like a fat pig! I looked like a fat pig!’ She was inconsolable.” [usweekly]

Oh, for the love of God...

Some of you remember a conversation in which we discussed that there should be a test -- a very difficult test -- people should take before they even consider having a baby. Well, case in fucking point:

Jodie Sweetin and her new husband are on the way to having their very own Full House: The couple are expecting a baby, TMZ.com reports. [people]

For those of you who don't remember Jodie's recent exploits, feel free to have your mind blown:

Shortly after getting married, Sweetin began using crystal meth. Her addiction lasted for a little over two years, and her friends, family, and husband were unaware. In March 2005, after being in the emergency room from the effects of alcohol and meth, she voluntarily checked herself into rehab. "One minute, everyone loves you, everyone wants you, you're it," Sweetin said. "And the next minute, they're like, 'Who? Oh no, never mind.' In February 2006, she appeared on Good Morning America to publicly announce her meth addiction, mentioning that five of her teeth had rotted away. She also denied tabloid reports of a "three-day bender" and an intervention from her former Full House castmates. She also announced that her husband filed for divorce because her addiction put his status as a police officer in jeopardy. The divorce was finalized later that year. [wiki]

She's 'clean' now, but hey -- good luck with all that.

THIS WAS BUGGIN' ME FOR OVER A WEEK!

As I was passing through Toronto Pearson's Duty Free shop on my way to the gate, I noticed this guy -- who I initially thought was Billy Baldwin. Wrong. Realizing my mistake, I remembered he was on a soap -- but which one. Since I'm not a soap watcher, I only had commercials to go by. It seemed like this was going to be a needle in a haystack.

My friend Gary commented, 'You know, he's probably going to NY and will be on your flight -- since he's a soap actor.' Sure enough, Gary was right. So, I had the whole flight to wrack my brain and figure out who he was. He boarded my plane, sat in coach -- interestingly. I pegged him for 1st class. He was with a woman -- so I was hesitant to approach him and say -- "Hey, you're famous -- who are ya?" Tacky.

Landed in NYC. He was at the luggage carousel. My mom came to pick me up and since she was a one-time soap watcher, I pointed him out. My mom is not subtle. She proceeded to stare a whole into his forehead. 'Yeah, I know that guy... But I don't know which soap or his name.' He noticed the staring and commented to his lady friend. They began to smile and giggle. I was glad my bag came and we high-tailed it out of there.

I did a cursory search on google: soap actor looks like billy baldwin. Knew that was hopeless. I gave up. Then yesterday, I'm watching TV and a commercial for ONTL and GH comes on! There he is. MYSTERY SOLVED!!!

I can sleep now. ;)

Only the good die young...

Melissa and I are big fans of The Body Shop -- so, it's with great respect and sadness that we honor a truly wonderful woman:

Dame Anita Roddick, the Body Shop founder who combined success in business with a passion for environmentalism, died last night after suffering a major brain haemorrhage...One of the most succesful female entrepeneurs in British history, Dame Anita died at 6.30pm at St Richard’s Hospital in Chichester, according to a statement from her family. She was 64. [times online/uk]

For those of you not familiar with The Body Shop -- click here -- and enjoy one of the few truly responsible and guilt-free shopping adventures you'll ever have. All companies should be this dedicated to giving back and respecting Mother Earth and it's inhabitants.

RIP.

Shout at the devil...

Oh, this is rich...
Looks like Pammy Anderson's exes (Kid and Tommy) went at it at the VMA's last night, and Tommy Lee had to be escorted off the premises.:

"Kid Rock reportedly punched rocker Tommy Lee during the ceremony...."Tommy Lee was sitting by Diddy. [Kid Rock] just walked up and decked him!" It was unclear how the fight started, but security guards were quick to respond...."Upon our arrival, Kid Rock was issued a citation at the Palms for misdemeanor battery. It will require him to make a court appearance in probably three to five weeks," Las Vegas police Officer Bill Cassell tells PEOPLE. "Both parties were released at the scene." According to an onlooker in the audience, "They had each other at the necks, they were practically strangling each other." Another eyewitness saw Tommy Lee escorted out, "screaming the f-word over and over again." He was taken out into main casino in front of thousands of fans.

"I was minding myself and then he goes and punches me on the cheek," Lee told The Insider. "I was trying to be the bigger man, but he was acting childish."

He added that after Kid came up and punched him, he "was ready to go in the alley and kick his a--."

"I was about to put Kid in the emergency room when security grabbed me," Lee said. "They said, 'If you move, we will break your arms.' " [people]

Oh, grow the fuck up...both of you idiots -- besides -- what's all the fuss about? You know she got the hep c. Damn.