14:59 Minutes and Counting...

From Walter Scott's Personality Parade(R) in the 5/29 issue of Parade Magazine:

"Q: I was disappointed when my favorite American Idol, Mikalah Gordon, didn't make the Top 10. Does the 17-year-old have any plans for a music career?--Ren Smith, Brooklyn NY.

A: She has plenty of plans, but with her weak voice, we don't expect her to go very far as a singer."

OOOOOOOh, harsh...and so very true. ;) --Joan.

HA! Joan HATES Mikalah! --Melissa

Someone Got Their Christmas Goose Early

From this week's installment of What-da-Fuck? comes, Christian Slater's involvement in a groping incident. Now, Slater has a new film coming out soon...but, surely, this is stooping to an all-new level for beefing up publicity pre-premiere. This from Reuters:

"Slater, 35, was accused of groping the woman, a stranger, at a small store after he was seen arguing with his girlfriend, prosecutors said. The victim called police and identified the actor, who was arrested shortly after 2 a.m. in Manhattan's Upper East Side, they said.

"The victim, a stranger, was at a bodega buying a soda when he grabbed and squeezed her buttocks. His girlfriend yelled 'Stop. What are you doing?' The defendant walked away," said assistant district attorney Vanessa Puzio at Slater's bail hearing.

Local media reported that Slater, who is appearing on Broadway in "The Glass Menagerie," appeared intoxicated."

Read the rest and decide for yourself here:
http://today.reuters.com/news/newsArticle.aspx?type=peopleNews&storyID=2005-05-31T234651Z_01_PUZIO-SAID-SLAT_RTRIDST_0_PEOPLE-CRIME-SLATER-DC.XML

It's official...He's lost his mind!

And no, we're not talking about Dave Chappelle. Between his recent Oprah appearance, to his lip-locking Katie every chance he gets, Tom Cruise is clearly off the handle lately. Now comes this, from the NY Daily News:

"...in an exclusive interview to be aired Thursday on "Access Hollywood," Cruise tells host Billy Bush that Shields was misguided when she took the anti-depressant Paxil to fight her depression after giving birth to daughter Rowan - which Shields recounts in her memoir, "Down Came the Rain"

Cruise, who zealously preaches the Church of Scientology's hatred of all mind-altering drugs, tells Bush: "Here is a woman, and I care about Brooke Shields because I think she is an incredibly talented woman. You look at, where has her career gone?'"

and more....

""These drugs are dangerous. I have actually helped people come off," Cruise maintains to Bush. "When you talk about postpartum, you can take people today, women, and what you do is you use vitamins. There is a hormonal thing that is going on, scientifically, you can prove that. But when you talk about emotional, chemical imbalances in people, there is no science behind that. You can use vitamins to help a woman through those things.""

Hmm, judging from Cruise's recent behavior, he might benefit from some medication. But, to Sheilds' credit, her statement comes off the AP:

"Brooke said that she is disgusted by Tom's comments, which she labeled "dangerous." She also poked fun at Cruise, saying that she "wouldn't take advice from someone who devotes his life to creatures from outer space.""

Fabulous, Brooke! You go, girl! --Joan

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/gossip/story/312036p-266946c.html

I love how Brooke so blatantly put it out there that the Scientologists believe in and are ruled by a space monkey! --Melissa

So good, it needs to be served on a silver platter

Go here and click on "Constantine Takes a Fall" for the full-length, larger size with audio version.

It's been grand, folks

Joan: Well, "it's over, Johnny." And what a finale it was. I have to say, I didn't realize how much I wanted Carrie to win until that final moment. She just looked like she wanted/needed it so bad... And Bo, Bo's so laid back... Not to mention Clive Davis wants to sign him ASAP...so, he'll probably wind up having a better career and be able to explore his true potential without the American Idol people getting all up in his business. So...overall...I'm happy with the results. Melis?

Melissa: You are totally right. I was disappointed that Bo didn't win. He is just so gracious and seems so nice. But yes, I hadn't thought of it the way you stated above, without the American Idol contract, he will be a lot freer in taking his music in the direction he wants it to go. And yes, Clive Davis did want to sign him up and even Randy said it a few times that he would love to produce Bo's album and work with him on stuff. Carrie will put out the LeAnn Rimes-type CD but I don't think she'll have the fame that Kelly Clarkson and Clay have. I think she'll disappear into the woodwork like Ruben and Fantasia. Oh well. What do you think, Joan?

Joan: Bo will be just fine. In fact, I have a feeling he will maintain longevity. Especially if he's able to keep that down-home-grown feel. Carrie, I think she may do very well…if they market her like Faith Hill, she may be able to crossover into the mainstream. I think she will do much, much better than Fantasia. Plus, she's adorable...I see her getting snapped up for make-up endorsements and oodles of other spots. I tend to agree with Simon when he says, she's the most marketable one yet. I will say this much for the finale though... WHO'S THE IDIOT WHO GAVE MICKALAH A MIC!!??

Melissa: If Carrie can achieve the Shania Twain, LeAnn Rimes, Faith Hill crossover, then she may be fine as far as radio-play goes. But unfortunately she'll never become a Martina McBride or Loretta Lynn, Bonnie Raitt-type performer. But yes, she is cute so I can also see her doing endorsements for Noxzema or something and appearing in Seventeen Magazine. Bo may achieve longevity, especially if he collaborates with rock 'n' roll greats. It'll be interesting to see where each of their careers go! I'm very curious to hear Bo's original stuff.

Joan: See, now, I don't know if I wanna hear his original stuff. I'm so used to the covers. But I have a feeling it's better than Constantine's crappy-ass "Pray For the Soul of Betty" material. He, btw, was God-awful on the rendition of "Walk This Way." I heard that Steven Tyler and Joe Perry started freebasing again after hearing that cover. Whoof. Let's just say: The right rocker was picked to reach the finals. [Note: All comments made by Joan are meant to be offensive on every level, but in no way are shared by management and the people associated with blah-di-blah-di-blah.]

Melissa: Nice cover, Joan. Yeah, Constantine does and continues to embarrass himself any chance he gets. And I do not, in any way, shape, or form, want to hear his "Pray for the Soul of Betty" bullshit. The right rocker did advance to the end. Can I get an Amen??!!?! I do want to hear Bo's original stuff. Thing is, if he only did covers, what kind of artist would he be? People would lose interest after a while and I don't think Bo's own personal conscience would be happy just doing covers. He is in a band and I think they do original stuff in addition to covers. And LOFL at Mickalah doing the red carpet interviews. Holy smokes, someone put a muzzle on that girl!

Joan: Good point. I'm sure he's chomping at the bit to do his own stuff. Well, one good thing did come of this... Mickalah didn't win. Phew! Well... so ends another year of American Idol. Will we be able to wait until January? Only time will tell...

Joan & Melissa--OUT!

And this is from USAToday.com. It echoes my thoughts to a tee. --Melissa

As for Idol, like someone mentioned in my chat yesterday, maybe it's for the best that Bo Bice isn't tied down to watery songs and a potentially suffocating record deal. Whoever these Carrie Underwood fans are, I hope they enjoy her. Personally, I can't say her name without letting out a little yawn.

He may be insane and full of himself...

...but he's hot.

SO DELICIOUS, ya gotta love life for shit like this

[Gallery of the Absurd: Gossip Fueled Art]

Is that what this is all about...?

Can this be the reason Tom and Katie are inseperable? It's not unheard of for Hollywood agents and studios to cook-up a little romance to sell a film... This from IMDB:

"Holmes Set for 'Mission: Impossible 3'?

Dating Tom Cruise is starting to pay off for Katie Holmes, if internet reports are to be believed - she's set to steal a Mission: Impossible 3 role from Lindsay Lohan. According to website Ananova.Com, Holmes has become the hot favorite to replace Scarlett Johansson as Cruise's love interest in the action movie sequel. Holmes and Lohan aren't the only girls in contention for the two parts left vacant by Johansson and Carrie Anne Moss' departure from the project - Keri Russell and Elisha Cuthbert are also reportedly in the running."

I'm Not Crazy, Bitch!

Poor, Chappelle. Looks like after his stint in the South African facility, he'll be taking some much needed rest. This from Hollywood.com:

"But the funnyman insisted he was just "stressed out" and needed a break.

Now, Chappelle has returned to his hometown of Yellow Springs, but his agent Matt Labov insists there's still no signs that he'll return to making his show and he has been told not to book any live performances."

Read the rest here:
http://www.hollywood.com/news/detail/article/2440868

The Power Of Xenu Had Him in Its Grasp...

...that's the only explanation for Tom Cruise's bizarre behavior on this week's Oprah spot. If you didn't think the relationship between him and Katie Holmes was strange before, you will certainly think so now. Nuray, ahem...Melissa...dished it out on her Sister-Blog, Celebirity... go here to read the post:
http://celebirity.blogspot.com/2005/05/crap-should-have-dvred-this.html#comments

and this from ContactMusic...

"Smitten TOM CRUISE forced his new love KATIE HOLMES to run away from him when he tried to convince her to meet OPRAH WINFREY on a recent taping of the daytime show.

After declaring his love for his new lady and fielding questions about a possible marriage, Cruise headed backstage to persuade the shy actress to come and sit with him on the show, stating, "She's freaking out. I'll go and get her".

But Holmes wasn't worried about facing the audience and TV cameras with her new beau - she's a massive fan of Oprah's and couldn't face meeting her heroine on live TV.

As cameras followed Cruise backstage, his new girlfriend ran away from him.

The Cruise interview airs on the Oprah show on Monday (23MAY05)."

The showdown has arrived...

Joan: Well, Meliss... it's finally coming to a close. It seems like just yesterday we were ranting and raving over Scott's mysterious appeal, Nadia's terrible Mohawk and Anthony's Clay-like resemblance. But, all good things must come to an end. Just one final performance night to critique: What were your thoughts on last night?

Melissa: I thought Carrie rocked it really well on the second song, I think it was a Martina McBride song? And the on the last one, she really displayed her vocal skills. But I've said it before, country just does not appeal to me and although I can recognize her talent, I have no interest in the genre she will be cultivated in when she puts an album out. Bo did really well too. The first song was a snooze-fest but he really redeemed himself on the second and third songs. It seems to be a pretty equal split among them so it'll be interesting to see who wins it tonight. I'm hoping for Bo, but both will undoubtedly get record deals for sure. What did you think, Joan?

Joan: It was very clear they were nervous... It showed in each performance. I've always thought the venue change for that last night is too much for them to handle. More people, different room, different acoustics – plus the stress of it being the last competition. Overall, they redeemed themselves in the end and did equally well. I was surprised that Simon said Carrie had a chance of winning. I just see this going to Bo, regardless of my own wishes. But, what I like about these two is that they are not competing style-wise and can therefore have equally successful careers. She'll do her thing; he'll do his. And there will be no back biting involved. Overall, I'm happy with any result.

Melissa: Yeah, really good observation. They are doing totally different styles so they will make different albums to appeal to various people, no competition in record sales. I alway thought Carrie had a chance of winning, she's very talented and both Bo and her are equally appealing. Both have decent star quality and likeability, unlike that idiot Scott! So it’s a two-hour finale tonight. Talk about stretching it out... Isn’t the AI finale competing with the Lost finale?

Joan: 2 HOURS!!! Jeezy Creezy. I had no idea. I'm going to have to tape Lost. Crap-o-la. They could have done an hour, that would have been plenty. What are they going to do for two hours????

Melissa: SQUEEEEEZE the AI sponge for all it's worth. Not necessary but not surprising either. I've never seen Lost before but I know the premise and was listening to some tidbits on the radio this morning, so I will tape it. I can get backstories from you later cause I know you watch. Seems like an awesome show from what I've seen and heard. Well, Joan, looks like after tonight we'll have to find other stuff to dish on. Till tomorrow, when we reconvene to discuss the results!

This is it...

Tonight is the finale, folks. Personally, my vote is for Bo.
--Melissa

Generally, I'd be pleased either way... but I think I want Carrie to win. Sorry Bo. :( Who am I kidding... he's winning anyhow. --Joan

Good-bye Ukrainian sensation

Joan: Melissa, Melissa, Melissa…it finally went down like it should have all the while. Ding Dong the Nerd is Gone!!! Thoughts, comments...ventings?

Melissa: It was sorta, kinda touching while Anthony was performing and Carrie was crying and then she mouthed that she loves him to him. Interesting....wonder what the deal with that is. Otherwise, yes, it did work out the way it should. Although now there's no question that Vonzell will go next week leaving Bo and Carrie for the final two. Performance-wise, Bo kicked ass on both songs Tuesday night, although the first one was a little boring and slow as Simon said. I wonder what happened to Vonzell when she said she had a rough day and then started crying. I did like Anthony’s rendition of "If You Don't Know Me By Now" way better than Carrie's. And I have to admit, I did enjoy "Sin Wagon."

Joan: I have a feeling there's something more to the Vonzell thing that just nerves. I bet she got some bad news just before show time... something. Usually, she's so commanding of the stage and comfortable up there. But she was so nervous during that first number, it was palpable. And Simon was right, her last number was manic. But good. I'd like her to win... but you're right. She is going next week. In that case, I'd like Carrie to win... but wouldn't mind Bo either. Overall, I'm happy withthe top three. I was totally pissed at Anthony and whoever is back there giving the song-choice OK – for letting him sing the same song as Carrie. I hate that crap. With all the songs to choose, they could have come to a compromise. Sheesh. Really poor organization on the producers' parts.

Melissa: I don't like it either when performers do the same song. That should be a rule, once you do a song or another performer picks it, then you can't do it on the same night or even the same season. It's kinda like cheating in my book. Yeah, I'll bet Vonzell got some bad news or something. The catty gossiper in me was so hoping they would say what it was but unfortunately they didn't. It was so obvious that they wanted the audience to know that something was up with Vonzell when Paula asked her how she was feeling that day and then Vonzell broke down with the crying. Seems a little too planned out like, here's why she may have sucked, folks. But either way, she's still a talented performer so it's not like she needs excuses or is getting a free ride by any means.

Joan: Course, that sympathy card could have worked for Vonzell... since Anthony wasn't actually terrible the night before. And you're right... Paula asking did seem contrived. I really wanna smack Paula sometimes. She cannot speak... spit it out already! I think, maybe, next year they need some new judges. They can leave Simon... but get rid of Randy and Paula. It's getting tired. I heard they might let former winners be judges...which I don't care for. They need to be industry people... with years of experience. I caught Corey Clark on the Howard Stern show... and if anyone thinks he was telling the truth, all they need to do is watch the re-cap on E! – he's a complete con artist.

Melissa: Oh I'm sure the weeping did work, especially coupled with her shout-out to her Daddy every two seconds! Anthony didn't have any tuggers at the heart-strings going for him. I also find Paula very annoying, especially since she's so spaced out all the time and tries to cover up any criticisms she may have and sugar coat them. And Randy with the "Yo, dawg." It's old and O-VA! Corey Clark was supposed to be on a radio station here this morning but I got to work before he was scheduled to call in. But the DJs were playing his new song called, get this, what a freakin' freeloading, cashing-in bastard, "Paulatics." Like politics, 'cept not. Here are some lyrics from it: "Your possibilities have gone to the top/And if you breathe a word you will be dropped/Your personality at first seemed to be so sweet/But then I saw the you that they'll never show on TV." He is a total con-artist and it's so obvious. There's no reason why he should have ever come out with this allegations, even if they are true. It's not like he got kicked off for reasons having to do with his supposed relationship with Paula, he got kicked off cause he's a thug and held back info from the producers. It's plain to see he needs the publicity.

Joan: Well, I think he's on his 14th minute. Hopefully, we won't have to hear from him too much longer. Everyone's on the take – it makes me sick. Well, Meliss... that's another week's wrap-up... only 2 more left? Can it be??? Say it ain't so!

Melissa: Yup, only 2 weeks to go. I'll be on the edge of my seat till the end, fo' sho'! And I'll actually be in town for next week's show so we'll able to dish face to face! :)

These just in...

JEEZY CREEZY, DOES HE EVER TAKE OFF THAT GODDAMN HAT??? AT LEAST BUY A WHITE ONE FOR THE OCCASION! And she's worn prettier dresses for the Oscars! --Joan.

I wonder... (Part 2)

...if at first she thought, what the fuck?



Oh, no. No. She looks like Sinead... which isn't bad, necessarily. But... Well... at least her head's not misshapen. --Joan

I wonder...

...if these two woke up this morning and thought, What the fuck?

ET has confirmed that Oscar®-winning actress Renee Zellwger and country star Kenny Chesney have tied the knot! The surprising couple were married on Monday on the beautiful island of St. John in the U.S. Virgin Islands, where the singer has a home. In a short, 15-minute ceremony performed by a female preacher in front of a small group of family and friends, the bride wore Carolina Herrera, one of her favorite designers, while the groom was reportedly barefoot. Both laughed and cried during the ceremony.

The happy couple met at the Concert of Hope tsunami relief effort on January 15 and maintained a quiet friendship that quickly blossomed. Fans first learned of their romance when Renee reportedly brought a margarita up on stage to Kenny during his show in Jacksonville, FL. They were said to have shared an onstage kiss, and were later spotted three days later having Chinese food at a restaurant near his hometown of Franklin, TN. Renee is a bit of a country girl herself, hailing from Katy, TX. In an interview, Kenny once said he thought Renee was sexy.

The marriage is a first for both stars, although the 37-year-old Kenny reportedly broke off an engagement to another woman in 1999, three weeks before the wedding. Prior to marrying Kenny, Renee dated White Stripes singer Jack White and her 'Me, Myself & Irene' co-star Jim Carrey. A spokesperson for Renee had no comment about the proceedings.

There won't be much of a honeymoon for the celeb couple -- Chesney's next concert is Thursday night in Little Rock, AR. [Yahoo]

I give it 4 months, tops! -- Joan.

I say 8 months. -- Melissa

Sing us a song...

Very funny and talented Michael Ian Black has written a piece for McSweeney's about what goes through Billy Joel's head while he's on the way to a party... Will the guests ask him to sing Piano Man? And how will he get out of it...? Here's a taste:

"I'm not doing it. I'm just not. I know I say the same thing every year, but this time I mean it--I am not playing it this year. Seriously, how many times can I possibly be expected to play that stupid song? I bet if you counted the number of times I've played it over the years, it probably adds up to, like, a jillion. I'm not even exaggerating. One jillion times. Well, not this year."

Read the rest here: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2005/4/27black.html

You won't be disappointed. LOL. ;) --Joan and Melissa.

It was at this moment...

Katie knew she had contracted something... Perhaps the spirit of Xenu entered her chaste body. Is she strong enough to fight off the powers of Scientology, especially when it is being channeled through the uber-force that is the toothy Tom Cruise?

Pensive and distracted, Katie continues to play the role she was chosen for: Tom's lady friend, arm candy, no longer Joey from Dawson's Creek but not yet a woman either. Where is this world heading?

"Don't worry, those stars I gave you have healing powers, Katie."

Heal this.

Don't let the door hit you on the ass

Melissa: OK, Joan, looks like our prayers were answered FINALLY. Scott is out, and his ass on its way to Ohio, along with his smug face and thin-ass beard. They can have his ass and let's hope he stays there. How smug was he on Tuesday night's show? But first, did you catch the Primetime Special: Fallen Idol? Ho-hum. BO-RING! That whole hour show was based on about 5 minutes of news that they could have just mentioned on the news that night. That Corey Clark is a thug and a half and him and Scott should be banished to some Thug Island where they can "know what I'm sayin'" each other to the death. Your thoughts, Joan?

Joan: Yes, it was a big week in AI history. The boil on the ass of AI was finally lanced and sent to Ohio a' packin'. Thank God! I loved how Ryan sent the bottom 2 to the couch...and Scott thought he was safe and acted all smug and arrogant. Fab! Really, couldn't have been handled better. As for the Primetime special...1/2 way thru, I fell asleep. That's how boring it was. Like you said, it was essentially 5 minutes of info, stretched over an hour. Anyone who believes this idiot isn't on the take is a fool. He shuts up for 2 years about it then, when his CD is ready to come out, he starts speaking??? Yeah, not at all opportunistic. What complete and total crap. Besides, Paula's been too drugged to pull any of that shit off. LOL.

Melissa: Oh man, it was so delicious when Scott said "Wow, wow, wow" on his way to the couch! I knew the second Ryan said that Vonzell was to stay put on the stage and then sent Anthony and Scott to the couch and Bo and Carrie remained on the stage. Loved it! Now, if we can just banish Anthony next week then the real contest starts. Vonzell will probably go after than leaving Bo and Carrie as the last two. Back to Corey Clark, he's an asshole. I just want to slap him upside the head. What a freakin' smug bastard. I know, it's all a ploy to get publicity now that his CD is coming out and he knows no one is gonna buy that shit, know what I'm sayin'? And he's got the nerve to say, when the reporter asked him if he feels bad coming out with all this stuff now and why he wants to come out with it, that he needs to relieve himself of the baggage and clear his conscious and that he never asked for this and that Paula kept sending him her number until he finally broke down and called her, thus starting the events that supposedly happened between them. That's a mad run-on sentence, yo, know what I'm sayin'? Back to Scott, I relished in the facial expression of shock he had last night. AND on top of that, they cut his song in half at the end. Not like they haven't done that before, but with Scott, it was particularly satisfying.

Joan: I have a feeling this Corey Clark thing will disappear shortly. And I hope Paula and AI sue his ass. I really can't believe Primetime devoted a full hour to that crap. Amazing what we will settle for news these days. Well…I think you're right. As much as I like Vonzell, I don't think she'll make it to the top two. I'm still not sure Anthony will go next week. This has been a very weird season. So, the best I can do is keep my fingers crossed that Anthony gets the boot next week. As far as who will win...it's anyone's guess. Melissa?

Melissa: You're right, it'll be pretty iffy when it comes down to who goes between Von and Anthony. All's I know is that Bo and Carrie will be the final two. Thinking back on it, isn't it some crazy shit that Scott lasted this long? I mean, he really isn't amazing. Same thing with Anthony, nothing spectacular or unbelievable about him either. About the Primetime thing, it's May sweeps and they've been hawking the show for the last week like it's goin' out of style. A lot of people watched it, or at least parts of it, so their mission was accomplished. Corey will disappear and I highly doubt Paula will get fired, like they were originally saying. Well, looking forward to the next three weeks, Joan.

J & M Picks for AI

Tune in tomorrow for a full wrap-up. Till then, sate yourselves with our picks for the results show:

Joan: My picks for the bottom three tonight:
Carrie, Vonzell and Scott.
Scott will be safe. So will Carrie. And Vonzell will be voted off.
Because that's THE SICK BIZARRO WORLD WE LIVE IN!!!

Melissa: Man, if Anthony doesn't go, then I don't even know what to say. We all know Scott's freakin' safe. Vonzell is good, plus she's got tons of potential. Put her in a studio, tweak the voice and music, and it'll be good. Plus she's cute. Carrie is talented naturally. Bo is great, real talent. Scott and Anthony, ARGH!!! I hate those mofos.

:)

This is the kind of trouble too much sucking face can get y'all in...

I found these pics on a celebrity photo forum. According to whomever posted it: "After returning from her romantic rendezvous with Tom Cruise in Italy, Katie goes shopping in Hollywood with some pretty gross marks around her mouth."

Beats me. All's I know is that this is some nasty shizz. --Melissa

Oh, man...I'd put some Abbrevix on that sh!t. Nast-ay.--Joan


Courtesy of Defamer

Does anyone else smell a publicity stunt?

I've never seen this much public making out and cuddling as I have in the last few days since this union broke into the news. Usually celebrities are caught making out and cuddling through paparazzi photos but these two are making out on the red carpet and wherever they are making appearances together, see here and here. --Melissa





And this we do not need to see:


Well, you know Melissa, rumors have always dogged Tom... Most of his relationships have been deemed publicity stunts. Frankly, I'm not sure I believe the rumors. They just don't make sense. But, just how did these two meet? Was it on set? And if so, I think we have our answer. --Joan.

Too freakin' kool fo' skool