A Sucker's Born Every Minute

Pah-lease... A picture's worth a thousand words... --Joan

"...socialite Paris Hilton insists she has a low sex drive and frequently snubs steamy sessions at home...she is adamant her titillating image is a product of her sexy sense of style, and in reality her boyfriends have commented on her less than rampant libido. She says, "I'm sexual in pictures and the way I dress and my whole image. But at home I'm really not like that. All of my ex-boyfriends - not Paris, of course - would be like, 'What's the matter with you? You're so not sexual.'" [IMDB]

Mama must be so proud.

The world welcomes Baby White Trash Jr.

And the world shudders in terror... --J

My Brush with Fame, Part Deus

9.6.05. Coldplay. Madison Square Garden.

Joan: When we sat down, we noticed a blonde woman carrying a blonde child about Apple’s age. But it wasn’t Gwenyth, since this woman was heavier. The blonde child began playing in the gated section on the floor, just in front of the sound-mixing equipment. Not long after, Gwyenth showed up (we now figured the other woman to be her nanny). A little while after, we noticed Blythe Danner was sitted next to Gwyneth. They stayed the entire time, and left during the 2nd to last song, or thereabouts. I didn’t see Apple again, I think the Nanny took her her backstage some time during the show... It had to be very weird for them, sitting in the middle of it all... Surrounded by people pointing and waving. She didn’t seem to even take notice. She seemed very comfortable, like it was just another day at the office. And her mom was really getting into the show. It was nice to see.
The show was good, although I think I preferred the Jones Beach show (Rush of Blood Tour)... Just after the 2nd cd came out. But there were some really neat things about this show... Namely the “Take a Picture” segment and the Yellow Sparkle Balls during “Yellow”. “Clocks” was amazing... In any case, it was a good show... And out seats weren’t as bad as we thought.

Melissa: That is freakin’ awesome. That’s like an A+ list sighting. So how did Gwennie look in person? And Apple??? Did she have those cool ear muffs things on?
Good to hear that your seats were good! That’s always a pleasant surprise. They also did the “Take a Picture” thing and the yellow balloons during “Yellow” here (San Diego) as well. Martin kept saying that he’s waiting for all the balloons to pop. There was one left toward the end of the show and he had thought they all popped until someone yelled out and directed his attention to the one that was left. He said he thought they had all popped and to hide it from him. So the crowd just hid it below the level of heads. His stories are pretty funny, he spoke a good amount at the SD show, which I love!

Joan: Apple didn’t have on the ear muffs, I think because the show hadn’t started yet. She was really having fun though w/the little boy she was playing with. I wasn’t surprised to see Gwennie and mom, since NY is their hometown. It was nice to see her mom getting in on the vibe though. Being supportive. But Gwennie is really striking in person. Much prettier than in photos.

I'm soooooo jealous! --Melissa

Have a yummy 3-day weekend!

Is California ready for another psycho governor?

My Brush with Fame

Yes, yes it's true. I, Joan, have had yet another unbelievable brush with fame. It's a long story... I'll sum up.

It's rarely mentioned in conjunction with my name, but I'm an avid birdwatcher. [I promise, this relates to my story.] About three days ago, a green parakeet (much like the one in this picture) began visiting my songbird feeders. As it's nearing September, I'm naturally concerned that the first frost will be this bird's demise.

A friend (Thanks Ellen!!!) suggested I call Marc, at Parrots of the World, a well-known store on LI. (You may know Marc Moronne from his frequent appearances on Martha Stewart Living. Marc's a bevy of valuable animal knowledge, specializing in parrots.) Marc suggested a method of trapping the bird safely. I'll let you know how that goes. He was more than willing to chat and gave me some good advice. In any case, I may end up with a new pet. Wish me luck ;)

Melissa was so impressed by my "brush with fame" that she urged me to jot it down here. And now you know...

Coming Next Week: The Parakeet Saga Continues...

This is the End, Beautiful Friend, The End

October 2nd, 2005: The official end to one of the prettiest couples to have grazed the Earth.

A private judge has signed off on divorce papers, dissolving the marriage of the former golden couple.

"Judgment of dissolution is entered," the brief document reads. "Marital or domestic partnership status is terminated and the parties are restored to the status of single persons."

The paperwork was signed by Pitt, Aniston and their lawyers and approved by retired Judge Jill S. Robbins. The couple went to Robbins to help keep the proceedings private. The judgment was entered Friday and becomes final Oct. 2--exactly six months after Aniston filed for divorce in Los Angeles Superior Court. Neither actor can remarry before that date. [E!]

Read more here.


Well, Melissa. After having read the Vanity Fair piece, I'd say Jen's well rid of him. Pretty or not. Sounds like he was a real piece of work. Unfortunately, the link I provided is not the full article. But you won't be disappointed if you rush out to your local newsstand and pick up a copy before the month is up. Very enlightening. --Joan.

Tori Amos @ Jones Beach 8/17/05

Weather was fab for the beach -- perfect. Tori was alone; no band mates. Just her and 5 gazillion pianos. ;) She had on a long, flowing white Goddess-ensemble (pretty sure that's it in the pic to the left, from thedent.com)--looking very Grecian, w/her red locks loosely tied back. Her hair has grown quite long, so the "costume" was complete. I don't think she ever ages.

She really didn't speak much between
songs,which was a shame -- cause her
stories and anecdotes are so fab.
She did tell one really adorable story
about her daughter. This is not verbatim,
but: "My daughter left us all behind tonight to be hold
court in NYC. She said to me before she left, 'Mommy,
I think it's realllly rotten that you have to be that
piano/singing lady tonite when you could come to see
Beauty & the Beast w/us.' So, I told her, 'Darling, and
who do you think is paying for those tickets?'"

In her "Piano Bar" section, she did two Beatles' covers,
the crowd thought she was taking requests. She quieted
them down and said: "Listen, you're all fucked, cause
I know what I'm doing." Someone yelled out: TOTAL ECLIPSE
OF THE HEART! And she stopped and said: Hmm, now that's
not a bad one. Come to NJ tomorrow and I'll
have it ready." (Something like that...)

For the most part, the set list was all old stuff --
quite a treat. She even did Silent All These Years...
I pulled out a pen and paper from my purse
and scratched down the set list...

ORIGINAL SIN
LITTLE EARTHQUAKES
'MY LITTLE GIRL'??? (seem improvised, and maybe an import.
She did this right after the story I mentioned above.)
AMBER WAVES
PRETTY GOOD YEAR
MARIANNE
JAMAICA INN (odd, odd version. Nothing like the CD)
COOL ON YOUR ISLAND (beautiful)
WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS
IMAGINE
BARONS OF SUBURBIA
JACKIE'S STRENGTH
LIQUID DIAMONDS
CARBON
THE BEEKEEPER
CLOUD ON MY TONGUE
SILENT ALL THESE YEARS
NEVER SEEN BLUE
HEY JUPITER

--Nicole, aka Joan

Fab review, Nicole! I love that she did Imagine...man, I would love it if she did that at the show I'm going to. I'll be posting my review for the September 14th San Diego show. --Nuray, aka Melissa

Wah, wah... I'm a mediocre talentless hack, Wah!

OK J to the Lo, whatever the fuck that shit means... you've officially pissed me off. Face it honey, there was never an Oscar in your future -- you'd be lucky if you scored yourself an MTV Movie Award for Most Unbelievably Shallow Female Performance. So, cry me a river, Jenny. --Joan

Jennifer Lopez believes her over-exposure in the media has prevented her from having a more diverse movie career. [RIGHT, CAUSE CHOICES LIKE GIGLI HAD NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH IT.--J.] The 36-year-old Latina beauty found it easier to convince directors of her suitability for a role when she was an unknown - leading to parts in films including Out Of Sight and Oliver Stone's U Turn. However, in recent years stories of her diva-like demands and romances have made it harder for film-makers to distinguish between fact and fiction. Lopez says, "In the beginning, I was a blank slate. I got to work with all these great directors because I was just a girl who came in there and did well in the audition. Then when I became famous, I was being offered movies that I could star in but that's all I was being offered. When I think I should be seeing the big directors, they don't even consider me. They see me as a sexy singer and too much in the media." [IMDB]

Great, a new term we have to remember...

...at least until it goes out of fashion 5 minutes from now. Looks like Cruise's antics (deemed cute and quirky by some, psychotic and irrational by most) have coined a new phrase:

Tom Cruise's chair dancing antics on Oprah Winfrey's chat show have made such an impact on pop culture that "jumping the couch" has now become a well-used phrase. The Mission: Impossible star became the focus of relentless mockery in May, after jumping on Winfrey's couch and punching the air while yelling about his love for Katie Holmes. And the moment has now spawned a term, which was recently added to website UrbanDictionary.com. The definition of the term jump the couch reads: "The defining moment when you know someone has gone off the deep end. Inspired by Tom Cruise's behavior on Oprah. Sample usage: 'My new boyfriend Benny... jumped the couch and started rubbing spicy brown mustard on his body at my family reunion.'" [IMDB]

I have to say, for the five minutes this phrase will be popular, I will be using it every friggin' chance I get. Like now:

"Francis got so hopped up on Fun-Dip at the KKE, that he jumped the couch and dive-bombed the coffee table."

Good times. --Joan.

Did I miss the 5 o'clock crack give-a-way?

Melissa and I are hooked like junkies on this site: www.silverjewelryclub.com Rather than be greedy and keep it to ourselves, we're sharing this addiction with you -- and rest assured, ladies -- it will become and addiction! We've already gotten our first shipments and are quite pleased... so get, while the getting's good! It's sure better than the crap I'm always pushing on QVC! Enjoy! --Joan

Dear God, They're At It Again...

Like salt and pepper, rum and coke, like a needle to a junky and crack to a pipe -- Pam and Tommy have found their way into each other's arms again. I'm getting chokd up just thinking about these two crazy kids... I think they're gonna make it. --Joan

"“We’re crazy in love,” Lee tells People magazine in its Aug. 15 issue. “We’re going to take things slowly and see where they go.” .... Meanwhile, Anderson has brushed off reports that she’s getting back together with Lee." [MSNBC]

Airing Jude's Dirty Laundry

Tsk, Tsk, Tsk, Nanny Wright... you naughty girl. Can't blame a lass for making the most of her 15 minutes, can you?

"Daisy Wright... is set to tell all on US television....[she] is going to speak out about her covert canoodles with love rat Jude on three shows.

"Jude is a huge star in America and I will be able to explain how I was left with no choice but to tell my story," quotes the Sunday Mirror. "...because I lost the nannying job I had been doing well for a year simply because he and I had been sexually involved."" [MEGASTAR UK]

Dammit, why don't I have satellite! --Joan.

Fret not, Joan, you don't need satellite! The nanny is coming to regular television...and I'll be watchin'! --Melissa

The London Mirror reports Daisy Wright will soon grace U.S. couch potatoes with her presence by dishing about her month-long dalliance with the actor on "Extra," "Good Morning America" and, oddly, "The Tyra Banks Show." "I want people to see what the real me is like," the publicity-craving ex-caregiver tells the paper. "Jude is a huge star in America and I will be able to explain how I was left with no choice but to tell my story because I lost the nannying job I had been doing well for a year simply because he and I had been sexually involved." [MSN]

The Butterscotch Stallion: Cease & desist

DAMMIT, DAMMIT, DAMMIT! I should have freakin' ordered my shirt when I first posted about this instead of procrastinating! --Melissa

"The Butterscotch Stallion" rides no more [ 8/3/2005 ]

We have been served with a cease and desist by the Stallion's people. The shirt is no longer available. Any shirts ordered previous to this date are in the mail and will arrive in 2-3 weeks. [Randy & Moss]

This is so LAME!

Apparently, Maddox thinks Brad is his Daddy.

Angelina Jolie's son, Maddox, calls Brad Pitt "daddy." According to Us Weekly, while filming an Edwin Jeans commercial for the Japanese market in Lancaster, Calif., Maddox started crying for Pitt, yelling, "Where's my daddy?" In addition, Pitt and Jolie are serious about building a family, a source told the mag. Pitt's name was left off adoption papers for little Zahara Jolie, whom the actress recently took in from Africa, only because his divorce is not yet final, Us Weekly says. [Page Six]

Whatever happened to these days?

Normally, I don't care about celeb break-ups cause they are so plentiful and inevitable but this one makes me a little sad.

Actually this makes me sad too, perhaps sadder than the marriage demise... Why is his sweatband not on his head and why isn't it neon green?

This is so wrong

I don't where this pic is from, but it's a damn shame.

People Are Scary...

Current eBay auction is listing a piece of popcorn that looks like Mickey Mouse. It's not so weird that the seller listed it I suppose... What's weirdest is his Buy It Now price: 5,000 bucks.

'Scuse me, while I kiss this guy...

...and now, from the annals of 'WHAT THE FUCK?" comes a truly random story about guitar legend and master acid tripper, Jimi Hendrix. Apparently, it has come to light that Jimi

"lied about being gay to get out of the U.S. Army and pursue his true love -- music, according to a new biography of the rock legend....He claimed he was discharged after 13 months after breaking his ankle in a parachuting drill, but military records showed he was discharged for "homosexual tendencies." According to the records, he told the base psychiatrist he had sexual fantasies about his bunkmates, grew addicted to masturbating and was in love with a member of his squad." [Reuters]

More proof that Hendrix was waaaay ahead of his time, not only evidenced by his irreverent stylings but his well-crafted ability to make and excuse. He was here, he faked being queer...oh, you know the rest. --Joan

I hate stupid girls...

How desperate do you have to be to put up with this shit? Honestly, the man is an incorrigible cheat...he will always be. There's no fixing him. Stop being young and foolish and move on. --Joan

Actor Jude Law and his fiancee Sienna Miller reunited on Friday for the first time since July 17, when the hunk admitted he had an affair with his children's nanny - sparking speculation the couple are working to save their relationship. Miller stopped wearing her engagement ring following Law's admission he enjoyed a month-long fling with Daisy Wright, 26, three months after his romantic Christmas Day proposal...she finally agreed to meet...at his retreat in England's rural Cotswolds region, amid reports of a reconciliation. An insider tells British newspaper The Sun, "Jude and Sienna had a good talk. They both love each other, but Jude knows it will take a lot for Sienna to forgive him. He is desperate to marry her and have children and he is trying to prove that he won't cheat again. The fact that Sienna agreed to even meet him was a step forward as far as he was concerned. He's more confident they will get back together now." [IMDB]

Have children??? Have children??? Oh, you mean like he did with Sadie -- three times -- and then didn't hang around for the actual child-rearing bit? He should be stricken sterile. --Joan

What I don't get is why, why, WHY are celebrities in such a hurry to get married??? Are they desperate? Do they think they are going to die alone? Whatever happened to living together? That's basically kinda like being married, but easier cause if one person cheats or wants something else, they can just part ways. Seems like a marriage certificate puts all sorts of pressure and rushing into a marriage is absolutely stupid...especially with someone like Jude, who's been called a "sex addict." Hollywood has given the act of cheating and deceiving one's significant other the name of a "disease" or "disorder." Point is, the man just wants to fuck around. Sienna is the moron if she goes back to him. And if there's any truth to what Star magazine is reporting...she's already 6 weeks preggers with Jude's baby. --Melissa

Sienna Miller is six weeks pregnant with estranged fiance Jude Law's child, according to an American magazine. Star claims the couple told their parents the happy news just two days before revelations Law had an affair with his children's nanny emerged. The pair split following the claims, and Law's admission he slept with Daisy Wright while filming movie "All the King's Men" in America last year - but they reportedly met in private in England for secret talks in a bid to rescue their relationship. Miller has refused to comment on the pregnancy claims. [IOL]

And more...

Additionally, Star reports that during Jude Law's marriage to Sadie Frost, the mother of his three children, Jude cheated with no fewer than six women - a model, a celebrity's assistant, two A-list stars, a rock star's ex-wife and a lap dancer. [The Superficial]

The Butterscotch Stallion: The T-Shirt

Get it HERE.

The Butterscotch Stallion: Nuts & Chews only

From Star magazine. (Probably not the most reliable source, but still entertaining as hell.)

Oh, please. Boo-freakin'-hoo.

Paris is suffering the dilemma of being engaged to the scion of a fabulously wealthy family: her ring is too big.

"[Hilton] started complaining how heavy her 24-carat ring was and that her finger hurt," a source tells the upcoming issue of US Weekly, which reports that fiancé Paris Latsis, heir to a Greek shipping fortune, "got her a more manageable diamond-less platinum Cartier band for everyday wear." [MSNBC]

And Male Paris' mother (and the millions of other Greeks in Greece) apparently have been living under a rock for the last year...cause no one had any idea of Paris' venture into porn with A Night in Paris. When Male Paris' mother found out, the shit hit the fan and she was not pleased with her son's choice of fiancée. The news made it to the cover of a Greek magazine (appropriately titled Very Sorry) and the rest of the Greek people were appalled...and then went to search for the video on the web, downloaded it, and Rick Saloman made millions more. Ahhh....ain't love grand? --Melissa

Another one (possibly two) bites the dust

From MSN.com:

The New York Daily News claims the "One Tree Hill" lovebirds, who are both 23, are on the verge of implosion a mere three months after tying the knot in a romantic seaside ceremony. "The marriage is all but done," an insider insists to the paper. "They are separated, and she is going to file for divorce imminently."

Not so, counters Bush's rep, who asserts to MSN Entertainment, "They are not separated." (Murray's mouthpiece tells us she doesn't comment on his personal life.)

The pulchritudinous pair, who met on the set of their WB drama, had been dating less than a year when Murray slipped an emerald-cut, pink and blue diamond-encrusted ring he helped design on Bush's finger. Before getting down on one knee, he reportedly filled their penthouse suite with hundreds of candles and dozens of roses and spelled out a romantic message in lights on the hotel's tennis court (the sentiment remains a secret). "It's a really, really important moment for a woman, so I wanted to do what I could do to make it special," Murray said of his elaborate question-popping.

The co-stars' April 16 nuptials took place beneath a rose-festooned altar at a hotel in Santa Monica, with Sophia tearfully telling an equally weepy Chad, "I feel safest when I'm in your arms." The actor later called the wedding "the best day of my life."

And in more not-so-surprising news...Renee Zellwegger and her country-hubby may be on the rocks as well.

From E! Online's Teddy-Bear Casablancas:

And that, my little sourpusses, sure includes the rumor that Renée Zellweger is breaking up with musician Kenny Chesney, whom R.Z. married, like, what, 15 minutes ago?

"I don't know anything about it," said Renée's flack, sweeter than pie, "I just saw her, and I'm sure it's not true."

Nevertheless, whether it's fueled by Chesney freakazoid fans (who've never made a secret of their displeasure over the terrifically blessed K. marrying the Oscar winner), sources from Chesney's hood--i.e., the music biz--are putting it out that the couple is busting up.

So glad to hear it ain't true. It's not, right, Renée?

The Nanny Diaries, Part 2

To the left, the nanny in question, Miss Daisy Wright. And she's one to kiss and tell:

[Daisy] describes Law...as "a masterful lover who made my whole body tingle." The result, she said, "was mind-blowing rampant sex ... amazing, wonderful."

The initial seduction, she says, took place over a bottle of wine. "The next thing I knew, he was kissing me. ... We kissed and kissed for what seemed like ages. ... The next thing I know, we are dragging each other upstairs to his bedroom, kissing and then, in the bedroom, ripping off each other's clothes." [It apparently started on a pool table.--Joan]

The bliss was eventually interrupted at dawn, when Law's son walked in on the pair in bed reports People Magazine, saying, "Daddy, I'm having a bad dream."

According to Wright, "Jude said, 'It's all right, darling, go back to bed.' The next thing I know, Jude was kissing my neck and all over. ... It was fantastic, he was just great. It was just what I needed."

When the child later informed his mother about what daddy was doing, Frost fired Wright, the Mirror reported." [BOSH (blog) and People.]

Well, this paints Jude as a complete and total prick. If I were Sienna, I'd be counting my blessings I'd found out sooner, rather than later. Creep. --Joan

Sienna's not doing too badly herself...she's been spotted making out with Orlando Bloom, which personally doesn't do anything for me since I think Bloom is one of the most effeminate celebs out there right now and I do not like girlie-men, but it ain't too shabby either. --Melissa

That's what happens when you kiss a space monkey...

If I had a nickel for every time I was audited and realized a space monkey was trapped in the core of planet Earth surrounded by liquid-hot magma and then soon after developed painful mouth sores....

"The controversial Church of Scientology has slammed reports one its rituals was responsible for the sores on Katie Holmes' mouth in May. Only a week after Tom Cruise and Holmes confirmed they had been dating for "a couple of weeks" in late April, the former Dawson's Creek star was photographed with several cold sores and a red rash around her mouth. While most critics believed Holmes had acquired the sores from her public kissing sessions with Cruise, several gossip columnists claimed the 26-year-old actress developed the sores after enduring a Scientology process, known as purification. Holmes has been studying the religion since she began dating her now-fiance Cruise. The alleged client of the purification is given vitamin B3 (niacin), which helps to decrease cholesterol and boost circulation. However, a spokesman for the church says, "Whatever is on Katie's face has nothing to do with us. It's insulting that you would ask such a thing."" [IMDB]

You know, I thought those damn vitamins these people have been pushing were supposed to be good for you, not make you look like a crack whore. Sheesh. --Joan

Katie: You.Are.Dumb. --Melissa

The Nanny Diaries...

Oof, this is better than anything Danielle Steel could write. Wait a tick: anything's better than Danielle Steel could write. But I digress... The Nanny in the Jude Law scandal can't keep her mouth shut. Good thing for us:

"The British nanny who claims she enjoyed an affair with heart-throb actor Jude Law insists the Alfie star phoned her last week in a bid to rekindle their romance....Wright insists she enjoyed a month-long fling with the 32-year-old until she was sacked by Law's ex-wife Sadie Frost, after one of their children spoke out about catching the clandestine lovers in bed. She alleges Law called her last week in a bid to rekindle their steamy relationship - but Wright still felt hurt by her dismissal from the job she loved and turned down his advances. Wright tells British newspaper The Sun, "Jude really swept me off my feet. I fell for him. Now I realize he was just using me for sex. I was really shocked when he phoned me last Thursday and said he wanted to see me again. I told him I thought it was unfair that I had ended up losing my job over it. He said Sadie was in charge of childcare arrangements... He was begging to see me again. He said he desperately needed to show me that our relationship wasn't just about sex. But how could I trust him again after he cast me aside so easily before."" [IMDB: 7/18/05]

Jude, you naughty...naughty boy. --Joan

Daisy: You.Are.Dumb. --Melissa

Just in case you thought Melissa and I weren't holding up our end of the bargain...

Some things happened over the past week or so that made the gossip world tip off its axis. Rest assured, Melissa and I were dishing. But, just to keep you up to speed, here's a brief look at the stories that fell through the J&M cracks... --Joan

"Movie hunk Colin Farrell has been accused of making a raunchy sex tape with his former girlfriend, Playboy model Nicole Narain. A member of the public, who refers to himself as JJ, contacted gossip website PageSix.com claiming he'd obtained the pornographic home movie but could do nothing with it until its stars have signed release forms. JJ alleges the tape begins with Narain in the nude in her living room switching on some music, and supposedly concludes with the camera focusing on her white cat, with Farrell saying, "Baby, you have the most beautiful (p***y)." The video also reportedly features Farrell and Narain trying out various saucy Kama Sutra positions, with the actor saying, "I could do this breakfast, lunch and dinner." Showbiz website Defamer.com says, "The sellers are supposedly looking for a seven-figure up front fee to hand over the tape for release by a distributor. Even if someone was willing to pony up the money, they couldn't release it without Farrell's permission."" [IMDB]
Rumor has it, the tape is only 10 minutes long -- could this be why Colin's so worried about it going public? --Joan

Pam and Tommy are rumored to be getting married...yet again -- and NO ONE GIVES A SHIT!










According to E!'s The Soup, Angie was spied purchasing fetish erotica and lingerie at a London sex shop. Looks like Brad doesn't know what he's in for...










"Jude Law has admitted he cheated on his fiancee Sienna Miller in a public apology to her, following the revelation he had an affair with a nanny. Daisy Wright, 26, recently told a UK tabloid that she had a month-long affair with the Alfie star while he was filming movie All The King's Men in America earlier this year. And in answer to the reports, Law has confirmed that he was unfaithful to Miller, to whom he proposed on Christmas Day 2004. He says in a statement: "Following the reports in today's papers, I just want to say I am deeply ashamed and upset that I've hurt Sienna and the people most close to us. I want to publicly apologize to Sienna and our respective families for the pain that I have caused." Blonde beauty Miller, 23, has yet to comment on the statement. Law divorced Sadie Frost in October 2003 after a six-year marriage and three children." [IMDB]

Got to get a hold of that nanny's diary... my erotica collection is a bit worse for wear ;) --Joan.

Colin Farrell grosses the crap outta me. I just don't see how girls think he's hot shit. He's so greasy and skeezy looking. Pam and Tommy deserve each other like no other two people deserve each other. Hey, at least they seem to be there for the kidz. --Melissa

Trying too hard

TC is looking a bit gay here. Plus the fact that the ring is so prominant makes it look like they are trying too hard.

No surprises here!

Anyone that knows me knows that I luuurve Coach. --Melissa

Take the quiz: "What type of designer handbag are you?"

Coach
You are Coach. Chic and different is your motto. Being different and stylish is your forte, and everyone loves that! Don't forget that being yourself also means not being afraid to follow if need be.

The Year of the Celebrity Psycho

New York Magazine has done an expo on the Celebrity Psycho. Read the whole article HERE. (These delightful pictures are from the July 25, 2005 issue of New York Magazine.)

MY EYES! MY EYES! Oh...the BURNING!!!!

Sandy Gets Hitched

© 2005 Kevin Winter / Getty Images
© 2005 Frederick M. Brown / Getty Images

..but who'da thunk it would be to him? Here's more from ET online:

"ET has confirmed that actress SANDRA BULLOCK (40) married "Monster Garage" star JESSE JAMES (35) on Saturday evening, according to her official spokesperson.

The sunset ceremony took place at the 334-acre "Folded Hills Ranch," which they rented for the event, in the town of Gaviota, north of Santa Barbara, CA....The couple exchanged vows before 200-300 guests, and Sandra's spokesperson tells ET that the bride wore a dress by ANGEL SANCHEZ and walked down the aisle to a taped aria of her mother, an opera singer, crooning "Casta Diva." Sandra's ring was vintage, acquired by NEIL LANE, while Jesse's ring was machined by the bride herself out of stainless steel.

The spectacular cake was created by Sandra's sister, GESINE PRADO (www.gesine.com), and the flowers were designed by CECILIA HEFFERNAN of Flower Hardware. Guests danced to the musical entertainment of COUSIN LOVERS, a bluegrass band, and the beats of "Ellen" DJ TONY OKUNGBOWA.

Celebrity invitees included 'Miss Congeniality 2' co-stars WILLIAM SHATNER and REGINA KING. JAMIE LEE CURTIS and husband CHRISTOPHER GUEST, JASON BIGGS and DOLPH LUNDGREN were all spotted at the Bacara Resort in Santa Barbara earlier Saturday, where some of the couple's guests were staying. ET has seen the party invitation, which gave no hint of a wedding, telling guests to simply dress in casual attire.

Bullock and James met in December 2003. This is Bullock's first marriage, although she was once engaged to actor TATE DONOVAN. James has been married twice before and has one son and two daughters from the previous marriages....James continues to star in and produce "Monster Garage." A descendent of the outlaw JESSE JAMES, his West Coast Choppers established his reputation for manufacturing celebrity motorcycles and in 2002 inspired "Monster Garage" on The Discovery Channel."

...and there you have it.--Joan

Well, how long do you think this one will last? --Melissa

Happy Birthday, Melissa!

For those of you in the know,
especially those knowers of all-knowing and fab things...
today is
Melissa's Birthday!
How about a shout-out to the gossip chick!
Happy Birthday!
--Joan.

Thanks, Joan! Feels great! Here's a photo of me at the "Disneyland 50th Anniversary--limited edition of Tees" party to celebrate 50 years of Disneyland at Fred Segal in Santa Monica, California. Mickey just groped my ass and I liked it.

The Butterscotch Stallion gets around

The nickname given to Owen Wilson by a contributing reader of defamer.com way back when, is making its rounds in all sorts of media around the world. Here on the UK mag, The Big Issue:



Here's an excerpt of his evaluation of the moniker:



And HERE'S a hilarious analysis of the "waterfall" comment from the entry below.

The Butterscotch Stallion: Apparently No Don Juan

Remember this from a few weeks ago? "...the NY Post's Page Six column mentioned Wilson's nickname [The Butterscotch Stallion] and a story that has he engaged flagrante delecto w/a woman, who claims he "licked her ass for 2 hours straight."

Page Six excerpts this from Owen's Rolling Stone magazine story:

"It's like, 'Who cares?'" Wilson told Rolling Stone when asked about the item. "I play it as it lays. OK, so I may not be the greatest lover in the world. Well, let's make that angle work. There's lots of different paths to the waterfall. You don't have to be Don Juan. And wasn't it Gloria Steinem who said that women have to be responsible for their own orgasms? Well, I take her at her word. I'll do my best, OK, but at a certain point you've got to, like, you know..."

So I guess just laying there is out of the question. --Melissa

Silly Rabbit! Xenu's for Kids!

There's been some speculation about this... well... we have an answer now:

"Hollywood star Tom Cruise is raising his two children with Nicole Kidman as Scientologists. The couple's adopted kids, 12-year-old Isabella and 10-year-old Connor, live for half the year with the War Of The Worlds actor in Beverly Hills, California, where they are allegedly home-schooled by Cruise's Scientologist sisters Cass and Marian. According to the May issue of Source, a magazine endorsed by the Church of Scientology, Isabella has already completed the Basic Study Manual - an introductory course in the religion. When the Hollywood couple split in 2001, many friends blamed their religious differences, and consequently the issue of whose faith their children would adopt was cited as a major factor in the break-up." [IMDB]

If they think the birds and the bees talk is awkward -- just wait for the auditing sessions! --Joan

I can't wait till the kids have to commit themselves to the church for...wait for it...one billion years. Cause, you know, one million isn't commitment enough. --Melissa

Have you ever seen a CD...ON WEEEED?

Image above is the original cover. Image below,
the "doctored/approved by Wal-Mart" version.

Seriously, Wal-Mart's going to have to bend down and kiss my big, white ass if they ever expect me to step foot in their stores. Below is the latest on their penchant for "censorship." Doesn't it kill you, that a store that sells guns and ammo finds a picture of the marijuana leaf offensive enough to repackage the CD, to their liking, so it's "fit" to be sold in their store? Well, you know what... I find denim vests offensive...but I'm not going to demand Wal-Mart stop selling them because they're tacky. Frankly, I'm a little pissed at Willie, too, for allowing them to censor him like this. For chrissakes -- it's a reggae CD!!! Nothing goes better with reggae than hash! It's like milk and cookies, Laverne and friggin' Shirley -- shit, it's like Tom Cruise and Scientology, dammit. Yeah -- I said it! --Joan

P.S. Does anyone else find it weird that Willie Nelson is singin' reggae now? Just a thought.

Background from Yahoo News:

"for those looking to snap up the CD at Wal-Mart's famously rolled back prices, the cover features a palm tree in place of the offending leaves, a change made by Universal Music Group Nashville out of deference to the retailing giant's strict guidelines with regards to lyrics and packaging....

Nelson's not the first artist to be edited by Wal-Mart. In the past, musicians have been asked to change lyrics in order to be stocked on the retailer's shelves, and Wal-Mart once refused to carry a Sheryl Crow album because it contained a song with lyrics about children killing each other with guns purchased at the store. [Go here: http://www.songfacts.com/detail.lasso?id=1049]

The retailer also pulled Prodigy's 1997 album, Fat of the Land, from shelves after deeming the lyrics to "Smack My Bitch Up" too offensive by its standards.

Despite the toned-down cover art, Wal-Mart shoppers can rest assured that the contents of Countryman remain unaltered."

Fabulous...

While driving home from work tonight, and listening to my usual drivetime diversion (Air America Radio) , a funny -- and totally-unrelated-to-the-format fake PSA was aired, followed by this announcement:

BROUGHT TO YOU BY KATIE HOLMES:
BLURRING THE LINE BETWEEN TRUE LOVE
AND STOCKHOLM SYNDROME.

How fabulous is that? Sums it up nicely, no? --Joan.

Pure genius! SOMEONE PLEASE PUT THIS ON A T-SHIRT CAUSE I'M BUYIN'!!!--Melissa

That was a close one, folks!

"Phew! I was nearly choking on my vitamins and Katie...my goodness...sweet Katie...sweetest Katie, did the Heimlich maneuver on me. God, I love that woman!"



Maybe she was trying to squeeze the Xenu outta him? --Joan

Creepy isn't the word...

The bride of Cruisenstein?

A word has yet to be derived to explain the feeling you will get while reading (and after having read) the new article on Katie Holmes in the upcoming issue of W Magazine. Rather than getting into it, I'll let the excerpts speak for themselves. Prepare to be disturbed! --Joan

The following is excerpted from Style.com. To read the full online story, visit:
http://www.style.com/w/feat_story/070505/full_page.html

"This is how the conversation begins; this is also how it continues, and how it ends. No question can do much to change its course.

Do you worry that this might be a rebound romance for either of you?

"I've never met anyone like Tom," Holmes replies...

Do you ever wonder whether this is just a honeymoon phase?

"Tom and I will always be in our honeymoon phase."

Did you learn anything in your previous relationship...that has been a benefit to this one?

"Chris and I care about each other and we're still friends. Tom is the most incredible man in the world."

Do you feel that, with more relationship experience, you get better at resolving conflicts?

"Meeting Tom...I'm just exhilarated. He makes me laugh, we have fun, we understand each other, everything is so aligned. I feel so lucky and so...like I've been given such a gift, such a gift, you know?" She pauses. "And it's just really amazing."...

Is there anything you guys don't have in common?

"You know, we appreciate each other."

Has it been a challenge to make his kids feel comfortable?

"They're just exceptional people."

Isn't it an adjustment to move in with someone--and after only a month? (In late May, Holmes packed up her apartment in Hollywood's El Royale complex and moved into Cruise's Beverly Hills mansion.)

"He's the man of my dreams."

[And if that weren't weird enough...hold on to your hat... --Joan]

"Anyone who has seen photos from the couple's June tour...will recognize the tall, cold-eyed Jessica Rodriguez...described to me as Holmes's "Scientologist chaperone," and it was clear that she would be on hand during our interview despite my protests. Polite and restrained but alert to troublesome questions, Rodriguez chimes in only to offer an amen following one of Holmes's rhapsodies. ("You adore him," Rodriguez says after the actress explains that she can't keep her hands off Cruise.) But she rises from her chair when Holmes is asked how she feels about the widespread disbelief in her new union.

"The truth is, we don't read that stuff because it's just rude," Rodriguez says, referring to rumors that Cruise made a financial arrangement with Holmes (after auditioning a field of other young starlets...When I suggest that the televised hyperbolizing of their happiness may have undercut its credibility, Rodriguez asks, "Have you ever been in love? You just want to share it with the world." I suggest that many couples prefer to cherish the feeling privately, especially in the delicate first months. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, whatever the nature of their relationship, come to mind.

"But why can't they go public, you know what I mean?" Rodriguez continues. "Like, Brad and Angelina that's just a shame for them. Right, Katie?"

"Yeah. I mean, I'm just so happy," Holmes says in reply..."And I love celebrating our happiness. I can't keep it in."

...After the interview, when I ask Rodriguez how long she's worked with Holmes...she waves her hand and says, "Oh, no, we're just best friends. Well, Katie has a lot of friends." And how long have you been friends? "Oh, a while," Rodriguez answers. "I don't know."

It turns out the two women were introduced only six weeks earlier (right around the time when Holmes met Cruise....Rodriguez comes from a family of wealthy Bay area Scientologists; she attended a boarding school in Oregon linked to Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, then went to work for the church, reportedly attaining membership in the Sea Org, Scientology's elite religious order, whose members commit to the church for one billion years, in 1998. [Go here: http://xenu.net/archive/so/] No one close to Holmes will venture to say exactly what Rodriguez's role in the actress's life is these days.

On the day we meet, Holmes tells me she's not a Scientologist. (Three days later, in Europe, she will announce that she has converted.) "You know, it's really exciting," the actress says of the religion. "I just started auditing" (Scientology's word for receiving spiritual counseling) "and I'm taking some courses, and I really like it. I feel it's really helping. What I like about it is that, you know, I was raised Catholic, and you can be a Catholic and a Scientologist, Jewish and a Scientologist." ... "I'm learning," Holmes says..."to celebrate my own spirit, my own being."

No pressure from Cruise, she swears: "That's really ludicrous because, I mean, you have to know Tom. He is the most loving, generous man who, first of all, he wants to help people. He doesn't put pressure on people. He is the kindest, smartest, most adoring man. It's a pleasure and a privilege to be with him." [C'mon...he's no Peace-Prize winner.--Joan]

...just then a security guard lumbers into the dressing room and presents Holmes with a giant silver box tied in a thick purple ribbon...a Chanel diamond necklace..."He's my man! He's my man!" she screams, then jumps up on her chair to do an impression of her fiance's now-famous sofa shtick from Oprah. [This shit's gotta stop...-Joan]

..."I can do splits too," Holmes says, jumping down and splaying herself across the floor. [Like a deranged cheerleader...-Joan] On that note, I suggest, we should probably get the photo shoot started.

"On that note," she replies, "I love him."

Phew. I'm tired. That was really rough on the brain. After reading that, I kinda feel the same as if I'd smoked a brick of Polynesian hashish. --Joan.

Article by Robert Haskell
© 2005 Conde©Net Inc. All rights reserved.

Katie Holmes: The Next Sylvia Plath?

Tom Cruise reportedly wants to give fiancée Katie Holmes flying lessons. The "Top Gun" star is desperate for his besotted girlfriend to experience the thrill of piloting a plane. Katie is said to be a little reluctant, but wants to try to make Tom happy.

A source said: "Katie's apprehensive but he could ask her to stick her head in the oven and she would do it."

The besotted couple got engaged last month after Tom proposed to the screen beauty at the Eiffel Tower in Paris. [FemaleFirst.co.uk]

What is with these Scientologists and flying? I think Katie needs an intervention.--Joan

Aff-ner: United

The first photo so far of the J.Gar and B.Aff union at twilight (around 7:30 pm) in Turks and Caicos last week. Victor Garber married them.



OK, here's the deal w/a beach wedding. There are certain rules that s/b adhered to:
1. No shoes. If you're going to wear shoes, it s/b sandals. Plus, black shoes w/a white suit... big no-no.
2. Black attire = tres stupid.
3. Flowy white dress, check. (But who are we kidding?) Green Sash -- eiw.
4. Empire Waist only makes her look more pregnant. She might as well have worn a moo-moo.

So, did Garber get a quickie certificate off the internet or is he the real-deal minister? Also, who's the best man/man of honor over there holding the flower?

And, I know they wanted to keep the nuptials on the QT -- but, seriously -- a few more people in attendence wouldn't have killed them. They're making me think they really don't have any friends.

-Joan

Starbucks will cause anyone to go broke...

...plus, a free-loadin' WT hubby--those wifebeaters ain't cheap, you know he don't wear that shit twice...

Britney Spears reportedly wants to rush a new album into shops, because she's running out of money since becoming pregnant. The pop star and husband Kevin Federline are struggling to fund their celebrity lifestyle and the recent $7 million purchase of and renovations on a new Malibu, California house, because neither are working - Spears rested her mic after conceiving the couple's first child, and dancer Federline hasn't worked for over a year. According to New York Post columnist Cindy Adams, the panicking pop princess wants to release another moneyspinning disc. Adams reports, "Mrs. Federline recently made a quiet call to her record label. The gist of the discussion: We've got to get money in the house. Cash flow is going down. How about we cut another album?" [IMDB]

I gotta tell you, Melis. I really hope these two lose every cent they have. How can two people go through that much money in so lttle time? They deserve to be penniless and living in a trailer like the trash they are. --Joan

Get ready to piss your pants

Apparently there's been another Tom Cruise-couch attack. Gawker captured it awesomely.