2006 came and went... and while the following rant surely doesn't cover every story that hit newsprint in 2006, it does cover some of the more memorable. So, take a walk down memory lane with J&M...Brangelina & Vaughiston:
Melissa: My fave topic of 2006, next to Suri Cruise, which we'll get to in a sec. I love this clan, can they adopt me? Please? Pretty please? From the hotness these two exude to the uber-cute children they have, they get my vote for the Hot in 2006 award.
Joan: Well, I was in Camp Aniston for a long-ass time. What a shocker when these two got together, huh? It seemed Brad and Jen were going strong – then next minute these two were hot and heavy. Hollywood… so incestuous. But these two do seem to fit, for now at least. I have a feeling Angie will tire of Brad and move on. I see her eventually kicking the acting thing altogether, a la Audrey Hepburn, and devoting her life to various causes.
Melissa: I would love to see Angelina devote her life to causes to make the world a better place. She’s said it before that acting is a way for her to make a lot of money so that she can do the things she wants: adopt children, donate to charities, travel. So keep having em babies, Angelina! And now this brings us to Vaughniston. At first, I did feel bad for Jen, but I’m over it. I think Brad is a better match with Angelina than he was with Jen. I know it must kill Jen to see her husband falling in love with another woman and embracing her and her kids, but I think it’s a good match. And Vince was so obviously a rebound. What could they possibly have in common?!?!?
Joan: I still feel bad for Jen. That was a pretty dirty thing to do. But Vince was a bad choice. He’s not the kind of guy you have a serious relationship with. He’s the guy you party with and move on. Besides, they have totally different ideals. And he ain’t denying this whole thing w/the student from Texas… so obviously, he did cheat on her ass. Ugh, two guys cheating on you in as many years. I might join a nunnery. Poor gal.
TomKat and Suri Cruise
Melissa: Speaking of wanting to join a nunnery, this brings us to TomKat and poor Katie. What a whirlwind it’s been, huh? From the couch-jumping to all the red-carpet make-outs, these two are crazy. Then TC does the unthinkable: he knocks up Katie. Out comes Suri, or so we are made to believe. We don’t see her for almost 7 months till the Vanity Fair spread which featured what is probably one of the cutest celebrity babies I’ve ever seen. You’d think with such a media-hungry daddy, we would have gotten to see Suri earlier. But now that these two have tied the knot, we’ve gotten a few more glimpses of Suri, both in Italy for the wedding and upon their return from the honeymoon.
Joan: It’s hard to believe that TomKat was just under a year ago… I can’t even remember what we did until these two came around. They’ve fueled us with such rich fodder, there’s no ample way to thank them. And it looks like they keep on a givin’. I was sure that little Suri wasn’t going to come out normal…but I was wrong. She is the cutest little thing. Perhaps 2006’s cutest baby. The TomKat nuptials sealed off 2006 nicely… though the ceremony seemed a bit tame. I expected some kind of weird shit to go down. But the only weird thing about the wedding was the guest list. I still don’t believe JLo is friends w/TomKat. I ain’t buying it. Then Brooke Shields went and attended the wedding? After that nasty-ass fight? No words.
Speaking of nuptials…
Pammy and Kid:
Joan: Pam and Kid got hitched, not once, not twice… oh, I forget how many times… only to have it legally undone just 4 months later. LOSERS.
Melissa: The Kid supposedly had a shit-fit over Pam’s partying and her role in Borat’s movie. Uh…didn’t he know who he was getting married to? But now all seems quiet in the world again as we’ve seen photos of Pam and Tommy Lee hanging out. Keeping the Hep C in the family, just like it’s meant to be. Speaking of grossness, this brings us to Anna Nicole Smith…
Anna Nicole:
Melissa: Homegirl got knocked up and then gave birth only a few days before her 20-year-old son mysteriously died. Gotta feel bad for her. But then the battle of the baby-daddies started with Howard K. Stern saying he’s the daddy and some photographer dude saying he is. Then Anna and Howard got “hitched” in the Bahamas, turns out it’s fake and it’s only to sell the photos to mags. Then she turns around and sells footage of her c-section to some sites for more money. So it’s all a mess.
Joan: How will this end? Well, she’ll be videotaping Howard taking a dump on their gilded toilet and claiming YouTube stole it. They’ll wind up in a Supreme Court case that will last years and settle nothing.
Crazy Mel:
Joan: This year, lots of celebrities flipped their nut, but no one so much as Mr. Mel Gibson. To think, he used to be on my Top Ten. It all started when Mel got himself liquored up with a couple of fans at his local Malibu gin joint. Making the wise decision to drive himself home, Mel was quickly pulled over by the police. One of the apprehending officers was a woman, whom he referred to as “Sugar Tits”… which is now my favorite compound curse word. He then proceeded to blow off a string of anti-Semitic slurs, behaving like such a low-class hound that he wound up in prison. Even the declarations that “he owned Malibu” couldn’t save him from the clink.
Melissa: Mel was never on my Top Ten so it wasn’t such a blow. But it sure was a disappointment when he spewed at the mouth. Geez… another asshole with diarrhea of the mouth: Mr. Michael Richards.
Michael Richards:
Melissa: I never, ever liked Kramer. In fact, as much as I loved “Seinfeld,” the character of Kramer prevented me from watching as much as I otherwise would have. And after this year’s display, I can’t ever watch “Seinfeld” again. What an asshole.
Joan: Well, as Seinfeld is my favorite show of all time, I can’t say that. But I’ve resigned myself to thinking of Michael Richards as a Kramer, and Kramer only. He doesn’t exist outside of Seinfeldland to me. I never cared for his other work, anyhow. I think the time that’s gone by since Seinfeld has been off the air has proven he’s a one trick pony.
Panty-Less
Joan: So, what the f is the deal w/these dopey young celebs who can’t find the time to go shopping for underwear. I know they go shopping – I see them w/oodles of shopping bags… you mean to tell me that in all the time they spend shopping, it didn’t occur to them they might need some undergarments? Oh, for chrissakes… put some damn panties on! Ya damn sluts! There’s really no excuse for not wearing panties… they come in all varieties for every goddamn purpose… so wear the damn panties.
Melissa: They must know that they are going to flash. I mean, they wear the micromini’s with no underwear and are coming and going in and out of limos and cars with hoards of paparazzi waiting for them.
BritBrit/K.Fed Divorce
Melissa: Homegirl got smart and dropped K.Fed. Hallelujah!
Joan: I heard she was given an intervention to drop his ass. I believe she’s that dumb. I’m so sick of her already. Ugh.
The Donald vs. Rosie
Joan: OMG. Although this happened late in the calendar year, it’s as hot as a story gets. From Rosie doing the comb-over imitation of Donald’s famous ‘do’ to Trump calling her a fat slob… Oh… it’s like a gossip columnist’s wet friggin dream!
Melissa: I’m loving every catty minute of this fight, if you can even call it that!!!
God only knows what 2007 has in store... so be sure to stay tuned to your favorite gossip gals... Have a happy and healthy new year :)
Melissa: Speaking of wanting to join a nunnery, this brings us to TomKat and poor Katie. What a whirlwind it’s been, huh? From the couch-jumping to all the red-carpet make-outs, these two are crazy. Then TC does the unthinkable: he knocks up Katie. Out comes Suri, or so we are made to believe. We don’t see her for almost 7 months till the Vanity Fair spread which featured what is probably one of the cutest celebrity babies I’ve ever seen. You’d think with such a media-hungry daddy, we would have gotten to see Suri earlier. But now that these two have tied the knot, we’ve gotten a few more glimpses of Suri, both in Italy for the wedding and upon their return from the honeymoon.
Joan: Pam and Kid got hitched, not once, not twice… oh, I forget how many times… only to have it legally undone just 4 months later. LOSERS.
Melissa: Homegirl got knocked up and then gave birth only a few days before her 20-year-old son mysteriously died. Gotta feel bad for her. But then the battle of the baby-daddies started with Howard K. Stern saying he’s the daddy and some photographer dude saying he is. Then Anna and Howard got “hitched” in the Bahamas, turns out it’s fake and it’s only to sell the photos to mags. Then she turns around and sells footage of her c-section to some sites for more money. So it’s all a mess.
Joan: This year, lots of celebrities flipped their nut, but no one so much as Mr. Mel Gibson. To think, he used to be on my Top Ten. It all started when Mel got himself liquored up with a couple of fans at his local Malibu gin joint. Making the wise decision to drive himself home, Mel was quickly pulled over by the police. One of the apprehending officers was a woman, whom he referred to as “Sugar Tits”… which is now my favorite compound curse word. He then proceeded to blow off a string of anti-Semitic slurs, behaving like such a low-class hound that he wound up in prison. Even the declarations that “he owned Malibu” couldn’t save him from the clink.
Melissa: I never, ever liked Kramer. In fact, as much as I loved “Seinfeld,” the character of Kramer prevented me from watching as much as I otherwise would have. And after this year’s display, I can’t ever watch “Seinfeld” again. What an asshole.
Melissa: Homegirl got smart and dropped K.Fed. Hallelujah!
Joan: OMG. Although this happened late in the calendar year, it’s as hot as a story gets. From Rosie doing the comb-over imitation of Donald’s famous ‘do’ to Trump calling her a fat slob… Oh… it’s like a gossip columnist’s wet friggin dream!
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1 comment:
sugar-tits! that's a classic, i love that one!
that's gonna be my new nickname for you nuray.
johnny
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