JOAN & MELISSA’S TOP TEN RED CARPET RULES

Number 1: Do wear a color that is drastically different than your hair and skin color.

Melissa: Don’t pull a Nicole Kidman and wear a dress within the same shade as your hair and skin where you appear like Casper the Friendly Ghost.

Joan: Don’t think head-to-toe black is right for everyone. Just because it’s a formal event, black is not always the best option.

Number 2: Don’t get caught in a fashion faux pas.

Joan: Don’t get caught on camera with the hem of your skirt hiked up into the crack of your ass. I’ve been there…and getting back ain’t easy.

Melissa: Don’t pull a Hilary Swank and admit on national TV that the hem of your dress came undone and that you taped it up on the limo. Not only will then everyone know why the hem of your dress looks like shit but you’ll also lose a relationship with whatever designer it is whose dress that was.

Number 3: Do remember your designer!

Joan: Nothing is more embarrassing than forgetting the name of the designer who made your dress. The sole reason they gave you that dress was for the plug, so do your part.

Melissa: You have no excuse to forget, you don’t get paid ridiculous amounts of money for something you call acting for nuttin’.

Number 4: If you trip…

Joan: Make a joke out of it. People will be less inclined to feel pity for you.

Melissa: Stomp your fist on the ground and curse the spirit of Xenu. Yell out that no vitamin can make you feel as good as those uppers you swallowed down with your vodka tonic in the limo.

Number 5: Don’t forget to compliment Joan on her 568th facelift. Remember she can pan you on the Red Carpet Special.

Joan: That’s not funny, Melissa. If it wasn’t for this face… you wouldn’t have a career.

Number 6: if you should have a nip slip…

Joan: Flaunt it. There are only so many years you can get away with this shit. Trust me.

Melissa: Take it from me; I’d be doing this Red Carpet Special topless if it weren’t for that damn FCC. Damn you too, Janet Jackson, for ruining it for the rest of us!

Joan: There’s something to be said for a well-orchestrated wardrobe malfunction. Work it, Melis.

Number 7: Hygiene!

Joan: Brush your damn hair and try to appear as if you’ve showered recently. You people make me sick.

Melissa: Amen, mom! This goes straight to Paul Giamatti. If I have to see your hairy-ass face at another awards show, I’m gonna have to slap you upside the head!

Joan: and this may be controversial, but I’m saying it anyway. Johnny Depp: Clean up.

Number 8: EAT!

Melissa: You mofos ain’t po’, you got enough money to wipe your asses with. EAT SOMETHING! I’m sick of seeing bony chests and stringy arms.

Joan: In the immortal words of my dear friend, George Carlin: Rich bitch, doesn’t wanna eat? Fuck her.

Melissa: Truer words have never been spoken.

Number 9: Borrowed Jewels

Joan: Harry Winston and Neil Lane are at your beck and call, for god’s sake – pick something nice. Don’t show up in my QVC costume gold-plated, tin-filled pieces of crap.

Melissa: This goes straight up to Paula Abdul. Homegirl showed up with diamond everything last year at the Emmy’s. Simma down now. One or two elegant pieces do the trick.

Number 10: Men, no fancy stuff.

Joan: No one really cares what you look like – until you do something stupid. I’m talking to you Samuel L. Jackson. Tuxes are all the same. Just look neat and polished.

Melissa: Agreed, get rid of the Kangol hats and the purple tuxes. Do the traditional black tie thing.

Well, I think we covered it Joan. Follow these rules and we won’t make fun of you on our Red Carpet Review. Well, I’m sure we’ll still find something to pan you on anyway.