Reasons Why Suri Doesn't Exist, Part Two

At this point, if Tom and Katie do decide to finally show off "Suri" in front of eager paparazzi, I'm gonna have an awfully hard time believing the kid is the legitimate Cruise-Holmes heir. Nothing short of a double-blind DNA test is going to get me to believe that whatever kid they reveal as theirs is indeed theirs.

The media are getting so desperate, they're resorting to dressing up a Katie lookalikes holding a "newborn[s] of normal size" and photographing a faux mother and child from about a mile away through heavily Vaseline-smeared lenses. (Not that I don't appreciate the effort -- I'm getting tired of looking at photoshopped images of the "unholy trinity" and reptilian Xenu-looking infants.)

So, the more time that passes, the more conspiracy theories we all come up with. Allow me to share a few of my latest musings, solo and with the aid of like minds:

• Suri does exist, but -- she's neither Tom nor Katie's child. Suri is the product of a surrogate birth. The DNA used to create baby Suri was from donors with similar physical characteristics, so as to produce a believable fake. This was necessary since Tom is clearly teh gehy -- the process involved positively no coitus. The couple was quite surprised when baby Suri finally came into the world and ended up looking nothing like what they bargained for. The race was on to find a suitable replacement. Thus, the need to stall the public and go into seclusion became a necessity. This surrogate theory also plays well into the "now-you-see-it now-you-don't" pregnant belly Katie sported during those much publicized trimesters.

• Suri does exist, but -- she's a circus freak. While sonogram machines are quite reliable, there are certain characteristics that fail to rise to the surface, that is -- until the actual birth. Suri, it would seem, is a bit of a freakshow. Tom's vain attempts to cure the child's physical oddities with tinctures of niacin and vitamin C proved fruitless. Embarrassed by their daughter's appearance, the couple decided to stall the press until they're able to come to a suitable solution.

• Since Tom and Katie never consummated their relationship, because of the aforementioned “gehyness”, Katie was artificially inseminated with the sperm of a perfectly matched donor. However, the samples were mixed up and 9 months later, Katie gave birth to a child of a completely different race. The couple retreat into seclusion until they can come up with a plausible explanation.

That's all I have for now, but you can be sure there's more coming. Stay tuned. ;) Joan.